Just once I'd like to feel something unmixed,
Simple.
Clear again. Ambivalence is
Here again,
My most constant friend.
It's how I know I'm getting older,
All that experience and passion
Growing colder,
Each feeling and emotion
Just drowning
In the ocean
Or in more primordial seas.
All those things I felt
Once
For the first time, so fiercely,
Now mere repetition,
Almost tersely
Truncated, curtailed,
Disembodied
Only talked about;
Sensation's gone
Walkabout.
Numbness is the state of play
Indifference comes here every day
To visit my shell.
And the time
Long gone
I wandered in those cedar-woods
And drank from a cold spring
While the sun beat down on my bare arms
Surrounded by silence
And stumbled on the wagon wheel
Abandoned by the stream
And there were stones there
Other lives;
Other husbands, other wives,
Other sorrows and secrets
And beds and births and cries,
And the remnants of walls.
I remember it all;
And that child who found those things
And wondered and dreamed
Has travelled too far
Or so it often seems.
Just once,
Dear God,
I'd like it to come home again, to me,
Break free again.
Just once.
How clear is this theme, does it manage to sustain itself through the poem's length?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
I think I already said thanks but I have
lost track of my messages, and I'm touched by the depth of your response to this... I was so happy you could feel the "once" poem.... kind regards and I am delighted that it brings you the recognition it does... my best wishes ALex b -
Yes, the theme is very clear, and yes, it does manage to sustain itself throughout. It speaks to me because, although I am young, I feel that I have an old soul, and ageing is something which occupies my thoughts often. However, I can't pretend to relate very well.
The poem makes me picture a great tree, thick with bark. Once it was a young sapling, able to feel every caress of the wind on its thin, new skin. But time has hardened it so that it is no longer so sensitive. It presents wisdom as a double-edged blade. Although the tree is taller and stronger, it is a little more numb, a little more 'ambivalent.'
It also makes me think about reincarnation. Does it exist? And if so, is its purpose to alleviate this numbness which we feel as we grow older - to throw us back into the tempest raw and naked again, to experience everything anew? I would like to think so. But I would also hope that you are not as numb as you portray. I am sure that there are things in the world that will still evoke a childish wonder and delight in you, and I trust that there always will be.
Sam. Rewarded 8
-
-
I am delighted...
that this piece helped you to see and experience things and that it raised questions as great as this - what compliment. For I am not numb, overall, just where I have grown calluses and scar-tissue. I hope there's not too much of that in my heart. Thank you for the compliment of your true attention.
Kind regards
Alex B
-
-
Awesome
One of the best poems I ever read both the moving words and the technical well-written verse. I am in that age category and this brings out the nostalgic part of me, but at the same time brings out the sadness in me. I knew as all of us do it would happen, and I thought I was prepared, but I find myself avoiding all mirors. The stiffness in the morning and the tiredness in the evening remind me daily to live before the sands run out, and yet my broken body wll not permit full mobility.
Oh well, if I dwelled on it , I would likely go nuts.
Technically a really beautiflul write, lots of good imagery and good rhythm.
Best or me was:
And the time
Long gone
I wandered in those cedar-woods
And drank from a cold spring
While the sun beat down on my bare arms
Surrounded by silence
And stumbled on the wagon wheel
Abandoned by the stream
And there were stones there
Other lives;
Other husbands, other wives,
Other sorrows and secrets
And beds and births and cries,
And the remnants of walls.
I remember it all;
And that child who found those things
And wondered and dreamed
Has travelled too far
Or so it often seems.
Thanks for sharing,
~Rich
. Rewarded 8
-
Ah to feel clear again, yes we all feel it from time to time...Your subject/theme was clear in this Alex.You express what your feeling very well..
The closing lines I liked the most, knowing I have felt and thought pretty much that myself a few times to many in my life lol...
You know about my depression/anxieties condition, something I say to my partner to explain it when feeling lost etc is ' I don't feel like Cindy right now, the real me'
So for that reason your piece here made perfect sense and touched me
I am sure you feel better but if you don't trust you will..There is a light at the end of every tunnel
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
-
Thanks for your close comment BB
Sorry it's taken me so long to see it, I haven't been on much lately. But that's given me a chance to what you've been writing too, in a larger body of work, and it's a pleasure to please someone whose work moves me in return. Best RA -
powerful!
Simply stunning!
To answer your question, yes. I do believe, myself, that it keeps the point clear to the reader.
I really enjoyed reading this one. It relates to so many in this life and writing it may have even helped you feel better a bit.
Well done,
Ashley
. Rewarded 6
-
-
Glad you liked it Ashley,
and of course writing soothes great aches and lesser, hope it does the same for you.
-
-
I really love your word usage:
Just drowning
In the ocean
Or in more primordial seas.
This poem has real depth of feeling. It's true that as we get older, what was once so intensely important seems to become less so. Another thing that is neat about this piece is the Title/First Line/Last Line: "Once, Just once I'd like to feel something unmixed, Just Once." Did you notice that? Very cool. I really love verses 3-6, especially 3 and 4. The format is different from what I've seen, for example Line 3. What I get is that you feel numb, empty and questioning. I don't know that I'd change anything except maybe things that have to do with the format and punctuation. I don't know enough to be able to tell you how the punctuation should be and in all honesty, I think the format, though unusual, gives it alot of character.
Nice write.
. Rewarded 8
-
congratulations
First...the rhythm....this verse flows like the streams you write about.......you have read my work and you know how much I Love "flowetry" very difficult to achieve this kind of rhythm and yet you have done it eloquently. Now, in answer to your question.....yes...I believe that self doubt...world questioning "why is there air?" kind of thought process is carried out well through out this piece. "Truncated, curtailed,
Disembodied
Only talked about;
Sensation's gone
Walkabout." beautiful words...nice work! thanks for sharing. LD. Rewarded 8
-
Hey Alex
this is excellent. The clarity here is awesome and the way it should be when one is emoting personal reflection. I like to get the whole picture and this was all high-def writing. This is a very accurate picture of what it's like getting older and I feel you right down the line.
River, I think sometimes we get lost in aging and blame it for many things unnecessarily. I think it becomes a convenient scapegoat for everything that ails us. The only reason I mention that is because I went through an illness once that totally shut me down. During the whole downward spiral of it my all-encompassing mantra was that I was just aging, as at the time I had no clue yet that I was ill. I hit bottom, discovered the problem, remedied it and bounced right back to discover that all of that life I thought I'd lost was still there. I felt reborn and young again. So, what am I saying? Am I your herald of sunshine suggesting that you may be terribly ill? Heaven's no! I'm just mentioning that I'm sure your youth is still around somewhere just waiting to be recovered.
I feel young again, but somedays I do realize how I can no longer go like a madman for days without feeling it. I think that's the difference, we feel it now. The pains, the aches and all of the beautiful mechanical melancholy of growing old. Growing old's a bitch, straight up, and I feel you sistah.
Nice work, Alex. I gotta say you're one of my favorites here. Your writing is well crafted, clear, and always makes me think and see things in a new way. That's why I come here. This place is a crazy literary vaudeville show that I can't seem to escape, no matter how I try.
Now that I've had my requisite soap-box time, a proper reading and review:
First and second stanza: As we age we feel things less intensely. Our hormone factories slow in production and we just ain't got the same 'juice' we once did. Males produce less testosterone and females produce less estrogen. Hence, we mellow. Not always such a bad thing for a man, I don't feel any less manly but more in control of my manliness. This has been a boon for me. Apparently it's different for a woman.
All the rest: My wife makes me feel very manly and "pumps me up" like my own personal hans and frans "Ve are heeah to pump you up!!!!" Which leads me into your final lines. I read into it that you feel you're missing that in your life right now, hence your feeling of age. I sense loneliness here and a wish for another to bring those things out that you feel have faded, to feel once more womanly and young. I don't know what your situation is, Alex, but I'm gonna try and give you a boost here as a friend and hope I'm not too platitudinous or didactic.... Go out and find what you're looking for. Each of us is infinitely unique and wonderful and just waiting to be appreciated for the multitudes of terrific variety in us all. Don't deny some lucky guy that, or allow who you may be with to not see that. Rebirth, babs. This is the first day of the rest of your life!!! Go out and get you some!!!!
Now, I realize I run the risk of you hating me forever and thinking me a self-important and perhaps condescending ass for this little diatribe. I am prepared to accept the brunt of that risk should this inspire you just a little, cuz I think you're great, river, and I hate to see you down as you seem to be here. Forgive me please, just trying to be a little ray of sunshine. Right about now you're probably telling me to just shut-up...Okay...But hey, you're great, we're glad you're here, now go out and get you some.
Al
p.s. I may look back on this in regret, but please know my intentions were pure and I just wanted to give you a lift. I believe in speaking my mind, and so I did. So there.
. Rewarded 8
-
yes yes yes.
-
Simply and plainly beautiful, alex. I fell into every word and image in this one, getting older myself by the minute. All our nostalgia for the frissons of the past, now faltering - and you've brought them up for a look with perfectly chosen details, summed up in: "Numbness is the state of play / Indifference comes here every day..." Just so.
If it weren't for my stumbling attempts at daily creativity of some kind, I'd rather be under the ground. I think you've created, in words here, that drooping mood. And I also sense the labor that went into this, with its very subtle rhymes and carefully broken and variegated rhythms.
Those fourth and fifth stanzas, alex, are gems of the purest poetry; as such, they could stand on their own as one poem, a great set piece in the middle of the whole poem. Wonderful writing, all the way through, with its true mood of "Stop the world, I want to get off."
Lad. Rewarded 8
-
-
Your creativity rolls, mate
... rather than stumbles. Glad you could identify, "what a drag it is getting old" as our old friends the stones sang. But at other times I'm still 8. I hope to hang onto that as long as I can.
Thanks you for your close reading and the inspiration and encouragement I get from reading both your work and your ever-sharp-eyed reviews. I'm so pleased it moved you to writing so kindly - best
xa
-
-
hey riveralex
this is as clear as a mountain stream, and taps into a universal theme of paradise lost.
unfortuanately I think the insinuation here is we never regain our innocence or the untarnished way we used to look at the world.
very fine write.
dave. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thanks, Dave
In a dark mood innocence goes for ever but this isn't, thank god, the whole truth. Very glad it pleased you. Best, A
-
-
Mission Accomplished
Hi River. You ask how clear the meaning is here. Absolutely I believe. And it moves along well, spiced with just enough rhyme to make it punchy and keep it interesting. I liked the imagery of the stones and wagon wheel by the stream. The sense of wistfulness is palpable. I believe you achieved exactly what you set out to do. Good Write. >W<
. Rewarded 6
-
-
Thanks, Irish.
The kestral is a favoured bird; Wind-hover, so it does. I used to see one every day when returning to my cottage in Warwichshire. I always felt it was special, constant somehow, and good luck. I 'm pleased some of these things are getting through to you.
Best RA
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
