empty vessel
of black exterior
and cobalt in.
mussel,
ashtray to nonsmokers,
your only asset
and possession
sides-super-stition
is your spongetongue.
shell devoid of neurons
but full of
should-be-voided-transactions,
grit on your sponge
and anticipation -
you're not yet an oyster.
Any suggestions?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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It rolls complete, SS, down from that nacreous, shellish title down to, or rather downinside to, that pearl-less oyster. Really nice wordplay with mussel/muscle and sides-super-stition/little walls supered high up around a blue nothingness. Well, not nothingness entirely. There's an intaking sponge, gritty with no-no's, but maybe those erotically pearly no-no's will one day irritate enough to produce something of value and worth. (I think, outside the poem's shell, it already has, wonderfully.)
Loaded, as usual, with all kinds of rolling-off-the-tongue. And the immediacy of "onto the page" (your notes I'll take as part of the poem) evokes some naughtiness just completed. Ha. Good.
But, as usual, who knows what lurks in the mindrings of a serene saturn? One can only guess...and enjoy.
Pretty nifty poem, SS. Not only do I like it as a poem, I think it's terrific as an image. You ARE good, just as I've always known.
Lad -
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Thanks Lad, I liked writing this one. But I especially love the word "nacre" or "nacreous" - I mean, c'mon, that's such an awesome word.
I've often been called a sponge - it's what my parents called me growing up. Another selfish, self-serving poem served up straight, that's me. Or are poems me? By now you know that's a pretty good question.
I couldn't tell you what the mindrings know. And it now dawns on me how unlike a serene, saturnine person I actually am (how very ironic...). At the very least, serene is a word that would never describe me.
And thank you for taking the poem in the context of a poem, and within the context of what you know of me. It's almost like having me telling me what I think of poetry because the veil's almost removed. Almost. It's not like I always know what I mean either.
(and I'm gonna get back to you soon, sorry! Haven't slept for 24 hours by now, must do that soon).
SatSer -
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SS, I liked that awesome "nacreous" too, and how you truncated it to "nacre" in the title, leaving out the "ous" - the "us" - centering the poem on yourself as veiled and separate from other people. As I've mentioned before, you are a master noun-worker, even so far as to foreshadow a poem's possible meaning in the wordplay of a title. You are, way more than most, and faraway more than I am, a naturally gifted poet. And that's completely meant as said.
And, sure, your SS screen-name is ironic, and that's the fun of it; I mean, c'mon, "Lad" isn't ironic for a 60+ geezer? Besides, I think that irony is the soul of drama and poetry anyway.
And, just my opinion, I still think that there's an immoveable serenity at the bottom of your poems and your self; the process of discovering it is what poetry (and art) are all about. I might be way the hell off on that, but as of now, I don't think so.
So, I sure hope you won't be removing ALL of that veil. Mystery is the most seductive beauty there is in the world, I believe.
Well, enough of all that artsy stuff. Take your time; get some sleep - as old Will put it: "Sleep, death's sister, / sleep that knits up the unraveled sleeve of care..."
Lad
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Lovely word picture
I might recommend fewer commas. For me it made for a very jerky read. I would suggest using commas straegically in this otherwise very nice poem.
Contractions are no problem, but why the hyphenated [be]sides-super-stition ?
Title very helpful to quickly pick up the imagery. -
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Haha, yeah... commas are my one huge crux - I use far too many. You should see my rough drafts of essays, they are chockfull of run-on sentences and commas. Sometimes too many hyphens as well. I agree with you though, in this poem especially, commas made breaks very choppy. I'll edit it right now, and maybe it'll be better.
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Oh, and the "sides-super-stition" was just a random thought that went through my head, so I jotted it down. I splice words like that sometimes, and it's up to chance whether it works or not.
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Lad
November 25, 2007