fog in fingers
tentacles twisting
lying low on land
whose peaks peek
like a lovers hand
in the earth's hair
dotted amongst it
tail-lights of the traffic burn low
the slow glow of mankind
like moving hearthsides
I regard this raw beauty
from a safe remove
the smooth and hum
of my car
in its tedious helter skelter
to beyond
how peaceful the world
and how fond I feel
from this place of
shelter
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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hello windhover,
i am new to this whole gig so forgive me if i am conducting myself improperly.
i wanted to comment because there are some points in your poem that drop my jaw. while the poem as a whole may not suit me, select lines knock me out. i feel that the first stanza is a bit choppy and does not give a fair introduction to the rest of the piece, which seems to flow more smoothly. the second stanza, however, really stands out. the two lines work together (i feel that the lines in the first stanza stand apart from each other), and send a perfect image through my head. i envision at once a woman caressing a man whose hair is made of grass while also seeing a "green" woman lying in a field running her fingers through real grass, a look on her face suggesting that she couldn't be happier. the thought that a human has fallen in love with a being countless times larger than herself is fascinating. anyway, a love affair with a personified earth is dynamite.
the next bit that stood out to me were lines 8 and 9. i dont understand the language choice in line 8 but seeing as the knowledge provided in it is essential for my comment on line 9, i wanted to note its importance. to me, the concept of tail lights being the culmination of mankind is a fascinating thought and apt observation. if humanity were measured in light, you are saying here that we are represented as "low" and the essence of mankind has boiled down to our notions of speed and technology; a most saddening thought from my corner of the globe.
then, you place the narrator in a car and by the use of phrases like "helter skelter" paint it in an ambiguous light. to me, this is showing the love-hate relationship we hold with technology, which, ironically seems to be dictating the direction of humanity at this current juncture.
i fully recognize that this could be nowhere near where you were coming from but i personally thrive on hearing other people's reaction to my work instead of hearing my same sentiment regurgitated; thats the beauty of putting your art out there where it can be experienced. hopefully you will find this useful and not just crass.
-theo. Rewarded 8
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i love the alliterations in this poem. especially in the first verse- they really draw you into the piece.
on first read, the introduction of "I" in the third verse threw me off but, reading it again, it really works. It almost creates a division half way through the poem that allows for the reader to place themselves in relation to the first person narrator.
great work!. Rewarded 8
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Thank You
Hey Locus, thank for reading and for such a positive comment here. I'll try and return the favour. >W<
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Really nice, W - a sheltered driver in a dialogue within himself, a meditation on that larger, grander shelter of his earth, with the fog's blur like hair touched by peaks. Contrary to a lot of poets these days who trash lyrical poetry (a big mistake, I think), I like this, its style and its vision, updated Keats and Wordsworth and Yeats, the poet "fond" and at peace driving within and through "this raw beauty."
Some fine technicals in it that work just right: those alliterations in the first stanza; the vivid concretenesses of the second, third and fourth stanzas ("tail-lights", "moving hearthsides", "smooth and hum", especially that adjective "smooth" as a noun), and that calmly delayed rhyme of "shelter" with "helterskelter." I think only a seasoned writer such as yourself knows how to pull off that delay with skill.
Too, I like that oxymoron of "slow" with a frantic "helterskelter", but it's the dictional opposition that I like, not so much that "slow" - it seems too easy and doesn't quite fit the sight and feel of what's intended there. Ah, I'm likely way off on that quibble, but maybe another adjective than "slow" would enhance the image?, especially since "slow" is already nicely used with "glow"? "blurred helterskelter"? "easy...."? "merged"? "held"? "kept"?"grey"? "wheeled"? I give up; you decide!! Whatever, even with "slow", this whole poem is gentle to its core.
And maybe the first two lines of the third stanza could be switched? Just a thought.
Lad
. Rewarded 8
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Just a quick thank you here, Lad. I changed that 'slow' to 'tedious... whadya think? Will write later. Great comment. Thank you.
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Oh yeh, 'tedious' works, and you also get another nicely delayed slant-rhyme with 'peaceful'. Knew you could do it better than I. Cheers.
Lad
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hey W.
not my style but great for your style. i appreciate anything done well and this was done well. reminded me of being a kid and walking to school in fresh snow. no, wait a minute, it reminds me of being a teen walking around stoned out of my mind in a blizzard.
dave. Rewarded 6
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Fellow wimps
Hey Dave. I feel a certain nervousness at such lavish praise from you but you certainly seemed to 'get' this one. The wind and the wilds are best kept at a safe distance in this pastoral poet's opinion. Apparently you agree. Thanks for commenting as always. >W<
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