This time around
neither of us wants to care
about the surface soil we've nourished
for fifteen years,
seeded, pruned and watered to this
fragile flowery splendor.
This dried-up season's
dropped leaves lie unraked and worthless
as coppery carnival tokens we see
each other's joker image on,
so poker-faced and flatly indifferent
to all our handiwork of past summers
that neither of us worries even a little
about this impenitent fall.
We shuffle our separate ways on paths
through all these leaves, allowing winds
to drift them against high privacy fences
and around the edges of lavender beds.
Neighbors gossip about our nasty mess.
Friends hint warnings about cold
snowband rumblings in our air
and how it's bad to let leaves pile
and suffocate old matted grass.
But do we care?
You? barely here in this house
but out there obsessed and fictioned
with striking it suddenly rich in business.
Me? pressed desperate inside these walls
and distant from you as wintery lovers'
quarrels in an endless Russian novel.
So let the shriveled leaves rot.
Let them sink any way they want.
They might ruin to nothing, or maybe
soon spring
fresh tremulous aprils on our hands.
Not all downfall plots end sad.
Sometimes relationships are heaven, sometimes hell. Suggestions (about the poem) are welcome.
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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This is a brutally honest and heart-felt poem, which lends it a poignant, charming integrity. I find the analogies with nature particularly apt - after all, aren't relationships simply one aspect of nature? It also portrays the situation in a subtle way, leaving it open to interpretation and supplying some nice imagery, or 'mind-candy.'
I particularly like the reference to 'fallen leaves' lying 'unraked and worthless' - obviously, the positive points of the relationship being neglected or unappreciated, and being allowed to 'rot' and 'sink away,' and also the way you refer to these 'leaves' as suffocating the 'grass' - whatever the grass may represent. All of the references to nature and the way you relate it to human relationships actually puts me in mind of Robert Frost, and I know you will find that very flattering.
Being young, I have never gotten to this stage of a relationship, Lad, but I feel that it is something which only a very small number of people are lucky enough to avoid, and I hope that spring does renew your relationship - like you say, 'not all downfall plots end sad.' I like the optimistic ending.
Take care, Lad.
Samwise
. Rewarded 8
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Many thanks, Samwise, for a perceptive and generous comment. Nice to hear from you.
Seems like, lately, I've been going through a garden-flowers-leaves period, trying to work through stuff in my mindheart by observing nature; she's a fine teacher, takes her time and waits...
Your being young and, so far, not having reached the poem's imaged stage in a relationship is a treasured and blessed state; it allows you, I believe, to see skies without the grey clouds of relational dysfunctions, and I hope you hang on to that for a considerable time. I think all relationships have opposites built into them, constantly contending. And yet, yet, with or without clouds, they are full of puzzles, wonder, care and self-discovery through long-time involvement with another. Maybe that's what real love, worked and played at long enough, really means; who knows?
Again, thanks.
Lad
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"or
soon spring
maybe tremulous aprils on our hands" hmmm...something needs to be done with these lines but I don't know what..guess that's not very helpful, lol! I dont know if you meant to end that sentence with spring.....? "or maybe soon tremulous april will spring on our hands?" (which doesnt make sense either, ah well! Your work is so fine with no wasted words its hard. Anyway....loved it! I like the way you compare nature to relationships and people. works well........huggers,..LD. Rewarded 8
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Hi, Lori. Thanks for taking some time from your nursing work to read and comment on this one. Much appreciated!
Yeh, that line about "soon spring". The second word there is a verb, so it wants to say "soon spring maybe tremulous aprils" for us. But I think you're right, it's awkward. So I just adjusted it a bit; lots clearer now. Thanks for the tip.
And I saw your message about being rejected from a book of collected poems - that's always, ALWAYS a nasty feeling. But, love, hang in there. I've learned that it takes about 25 rejections until that one acceptance pops up. Besides, I KNOW your stuff is natural and honest and lovely and good, so screw the publishers!!
Hugs back always...
Lad
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hey lad
leaves appear often in your poems, the ones off the trees and i think there as good a metaphor as any.
the brown leaves of autumn can be messy and a nuisance, and people expect you to rake them, into neat little piles, scoop them up in hefty bags and seal them with a twist.
but hey sometimes you just want to let the leaves blow with the wind. there going to go somewhere right? or maybe there not going anywhere. thats ok too. like you point out theres always spring.
sublime.
dave. Rewarded 8
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Thanks, dave. You're right, seems like I'm in my garden-and-leaves period lately. I think I've gotten it out of my gut for a while. Now, back to the streets!
Very glad you liked this one; I knew you could relate to the cares and woes - and the needed patience - of a relationship. And whether they last or not? well, your answer is as good as mine - who knows? Thanks!
Lad
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Lad, still not time to return to SP, as the marking and student assessments are killing me - but just had to visit this morning to 'look you up'. I can associate with this poem's content - and to me its maturity to move through the ups and downs of a relationship - actually it is the seasons that keep it going. I loved your imagery and while one can 'see', one can also experience. Frans
. Rewarded 8
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Hi, Frans. Nice of you to take the time to read this one and comment on it. Yes, for sure, the ups and downs of a relationship. Winter is just coming in, and already I can't wait for Spring...
Hang in there with all those pesky markings and assessments; I remember them well, and I shudder.
Lad
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:)
i liked the poem but i find the last verse slightly awkward in the middle after "nothing-". maybe it's the punctuation?
you string the imagery and theme throughout the poem very well. skilled enough not to seem forced. good job!. Rewarded 4
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Hi, locus, and thanks for the read and perceptive comment. Right, seems a few others also had trouble with that line, after "nothing" so I adjusted it a bit. You have a good eye.
I haven't noticed you on the site before, so I'll be checking your page asap to see your work. Again, much appreciated!
Lad
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Wonderful analogy of the tending of flowers/garden to the toil that goes into relationships. As usual your use of language is strong and each stanza tells a tale.
. Rewarded 4
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Hi, adorasmum, really nice to hear from you, and thanks for the read and kind comment. Lately, I've been going through a garden-leaves-flowers-Autumn period almost obsessively - but I think I've finally gotten it out of my system with this poem.
By the way, I REALLY dig your new pic - reminds me of Billie Holiday (that wonderful Lady Day) pondering music in a sepia tone. Nice!
Lad
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Amazing, Lad! This really struck home with me on two counts...I didn't rake my leaves this year and now they lie on matted grass under 18 inches of snow (what a mess that'll be come spring) and am having similar relationship issues. Loved this part "dropped leaves lie unraked and worthless as coppery carnival tokens we see" and this "You? barely here in this house but out there obsessed and fictioned". Very nice work. Thanks!
Heidi
. Rewarded 8
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Hey, rubymae, nice to hear from you. I'm glad the poem kicked in for you, especially with your "similar relationship issues." Isn't it the truth? Oh well, maybe when Spring comes...
Thanks for reading and commenting so kindly. And, just like me, it's probably best to just hang in there.
Lad
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The verse got a bit too free for me. But the analogy and the imagery was great. Perhaps you could leave out the second-last stanza... don't feel there's any need to discuss why the leaves are unraked.
First line of the third stanza reads a bit awkward. Perhaps because it got a bit too far away from the last line of the second stanza? or maybe "neither of worries" as a phrase is a bit off?
Liked this one in a very sad way. Need something to cheer me up. Have chocolates?. Rewarded 8
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Thanks, HM, for your usual pointed comments, more than enough to "cheer me up", a cheer which you also want these days. I'll take your thoughts into consideration, of course. And thanks for pointing out the awkwardness of "neither of worries" - I had inadvertently left out a word there while revising the poem. The line should read "neither of us worries..."
Sorry, no chocolates. When I need cheering up, I go to a Hallmark Card store and read the sappy verses on Get Well cards. Now, that's desperate! but you might give it a try.
Glad you liked this one.
Lad
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Gardening is not my strong suit but..
Hi Lad. Amazing what a little time to chew will do. Only at my third time reading did this carefully worked metaphor come fully to life for me. The looming 'bigtime fall' is of course the key. The damp, dark tones of Autumn provide a perfect backdrop for this angst of yours. But then not all 'downfall plots' end sad. Optimism 'springs' eternal. A bit flowery (I jest) but seasoned sweet. >W<. Rewarded 8
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Hi, John. You are one of only a handful who would take the time for three reads, and only then comment. Thanks for that attentiveness; does me heart good.
Right: not all downfall plots end sad, although most of them do - thought I'd leave that latter phrase out of the poem, though, just to keep a bit o' hope alive not only in the poem but in its author. And, again you picked up on the core of the poem, that "bigtime fall." Knew you would.
Lad
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Lettuce Believes...
You sow a forlorn lawn here, Lad, mottled piles of dessicated leafery, ochre stains of fallen foliage between the flower beds. Let us leave it till Spring when brighter days bring optimism and light-heartedness to a Slavic Winter´s grim obstinancy.
Descriptive imagery abounds.
"as coppery carnival tokens we see
each other's joker image on,"
Skeletal expressions no doubt. Are you sure they were jokers? Perhaps the deck was a Tarot and the Grim Reaper´s cowled visage graced the crisp leaves.
I may be wrong but is the narrator the "rake" who usually clears arboreal detritus from the grassy verges each Fall, and is he giving up the ghost of diligent Autumns past due to an underappreciation of his facility in this task to exhibit care and harmony in their surroundings?
The Russian novel equation is a great image in a low-key, calm but deep write about downward spirals not too late to curtail. Like you say "Not all downfall plots end sad."
I for one, certainly hope this one does not end in tears. Tears like falling.... No! I won t wax maudlin, Lad! (whew! Close one)
Cheers
gG
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for gGoing so precisely into this one, Simon. Both the narrator and the addressee have always done the raking task together - with a fairly large piece of "matted (old) grass" between us, we got the job done. Not this year, for the reasons in the 4th stanza.
Oh sure, as you do, I hope this one doesn't end in tears. In fact, I'm sure they won't, as tears are a luxury of the past. If things end, it'll be with a shrug, a whimper, not a bang. But then, as you so nicely highlighted, there's always the maybe of soon spring's aprils. But I'm no optimist about such events; the final line probably should have been: After all, a few downfall plots don't end sad... Che sera, sera.
Again, kudos for another insightful review.
Lad
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Wow, this was great! I loved the image of the leaves as a metaphor for a troubled relationship. Instead of addressing their problems, instead of raking up the lawn, they put on their poker faces and pretend that everything's ok. I particularly liked the stanza about the neighbors' gossip. Whether it's about the front lawn or a relationship, neighbors always try to poke their noses in and give their advice. The poem has a bit of an ominous feeling as we know that winter is approaching, but I like that at the end there is the hope of spring. This was a really well-crafted poem and I very much enjoyed reading it. Great work!
. Rewarded 8
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Hi, Psyche, and really sincere thanks for a generous, attentive and sharp review; I'm pleased no end that it clicked for you. When I get detailed comments such as yours, ones that dig in and capture what's in between the lines, I'm not only impressed, but happy too.
I'm sure you know as well as I do how much patience and communication a relationship takes to make it through lots of years. So, just as in the poem's final two lines, I still have hope!
Again, many thanks for a super review.
Lad
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What an amazing way you have with metaphor. Lad, this is beautifully sad. I was hooked at the first verse. You have captured a relationship that seems to be fading away and neither seems to have the fight for it anymore. I can't even tell you my favorite verse because each one of them is so finely written...EVERY SINGLE ONE. I can't get over your talent. Every verse evokes one emotion or another. All I can say is this is real poetry and I can see that I can learn alot from reading your work. They say the best way to become a better writer is to read. I think I've found a good writer to start with. It's really stellar. Your comments on my work have been so fantastic - I feel like I'm falling short of the mark! I think it's because I find this piece and the talent it took to write it just stunning. So, I guess you have a fan!
Butterfly
. Rewarded 8
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Hi, Butterfly. Well, I can hardly say how kind and generous your review is; it really makes my day. Just like in your poems, I think it's those feelings and events that are real and personal that probably make the most moving poems. I'm really glad this one clicked for you. That means a lot to me. Again, thanks!
Lad
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Fallen leaves portray a great picture of what was once green and lush, with time and negligence falls and piles up waiting to rot. I loved the imagery in your work Lad, and how true, we let the leaves just pile up not wanting to rake them simply because the effort needed - sometimes just because we're used to the sight
. Rewarded 6
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Hi, John, and thanks a lot for your read and kind comment. Just as you say, "what was once green and lush, with time and negligence falls and piles up waiting to rot" - just like a longtime relationship if we're not careful. I had my doubts about this poem, but your comment makes me think it might be successful after all, and after a hundred little revisions! Sincere thanks again.
Lad
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This metaphor is so great and deep meaningful and rich, it has to be taken in by several times of reading it to make probably the most use of this wisdom. You know that to me you are a master of language and a teacher whose wisdom I try to aim for. Although there are thousands of thoughts while reading your work, the one thing I dare say I know is, a long time relationship (well any relationship) is worth struggling to cherish, nourish and enrich it. Same like we carefully prepare our gardens for Winter sleep with the hope and trust that next Spring we will find it the charming, radiating little paradise we worked for and did our best.
Even the best relationship knows about darkness, cold winds and endangering rotten scents but if once there was the volcano of love there remains always some coal aglow and with mutual care it can develope to some beautiful warming fire which is more and more important for us the older we grow.
I often feel so sorry for couples who split after a few years stating they drifted apart and lost interest. They certainly miss something most precious in life, the endeavour to care and give and work for the greatest gift, a lasting love.
"We shuffle our separate ways on paths.." - well should be free to even do this and once in a while move out of sight, this is a good lesson of life, as long as we feel like and want to find the parallel paths again, like a rail track.
Your poem is giving enormous much and I wish that everyone reading it can gain of this insight, advice, wisdom and warmth.
Thank you so much and may you have a happy Christmas! Ulla xx -
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Ah, Ulla! what a rich and empathetic response to this poem. THANK YOU. You understood all the complicated and contrary feelings that go into a garden of a relationship - all the work and worry, all the joys and pleasures, all the time and patience it takes to make it continue to work.
Just as you do, I believe that when two people in love keep working at what they have, they can make it last forever if they don't weaken by forgetting to "rake the leaves", by tending to what they've worked so hard for. I guess you and I are both optimists, or better, realists!
I'm especially glad that you saw and liked this one, Ulla, knowing how much gardens mean to you too. Sincere thanks, again, for such a kind and understanding review.
Lad
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fifteen years. wow. that's a long time, Lad. glad to see that you resolved with the hope that "Not all downfall plots end sad." it's like you said, "Sometimes relationships are heaven, sometimes hell."
my parents were married for 13 years before they got divorced - 5 kids later. it seems to be an American epidemic. and i'm sure it doesn't help being destacted with the vast amounts of personal gain to be had in this country, like your poem mentioned. there is an "i" in america. and a "me" for that matter.
but heck! 15 years is far too long a time to give up on a relationship. let alone to care about keeping up with the Jones'. right? so the dang leaves rot on the ground like they've been doing since God created the earth. it's only natural, and actually very good for the ground. crushed up leaves make a great fertailzer.
besides, there are certainly more important matters at hand.
in prayer,
Pap
. Rewarded 8
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I really don't understand what he is trying to say.
Siaynoq
December 4, 2007