They had a fight this morning.
Easier not talking
than face the possibility
they might have the world at their feet
and think about walking
She was indiscrete.
Let it slip
she had fantasies
she’d never mentioned.
Leather.
His mistake
was showing any interest.
It was like prying in her business.
Whether
it was well intentioned or no
it was a violation
of their wedding vows
an attempt at intimacy somehow
like they were friends or something
so they had a row
instead
of planning a trip to the shops
the trouble
with climbing out of the mire
is getting vertigo
from being that little bit higher
In a list
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The straw that broke....
Dear Lad. You're not the first to have difficulty with the closing lines but you are the anchor that broke the camel's back and made me decide they had to go. I wanted a rhyme to end with so I contrived another. Perhaps 'contrived' is just how it looks though. Anyway, thanks as always for the input. >W< -
O yeh, "showing interest" at a slip of the tongue usually leads to a "row" instead of a calm walk through unfamiliar territory. The poem is a good reminder for me to just give a chuckle when the lover's let something salacious out of the id - or else we get into tricky 'shit' best left alone. I like that theme, Johnny; it's real business, how digging down into a slipped thought does more harm than just taking it in lightly and letting it go.
Couple of nitpicks: I think you want "indiscreet" instead of "indiscrete". And the final line, despite the handsome rhyme, didn't quite satisfy, "drops" being too vague an image, at least for me; others might not mind it, though. And those two one-line stanzas: 'Whether' and 'instead' seem clumsy and misplaced, without poetic reason. I know you were after a noticeable rhyme in each one, but their standing alone doesn't work poetically. Again, just a thought on my part.
I like it, especially the last two lines of the second stanza - lots of uncomforable stuff packed into those words.
Lad -
Very nice form. I mean the woman and the poem. I like how this poem takes an uncomfortable moment in the lives of a couple and expands on it. I like how the conventional morality sets in almost automatically, yet the titillation is still there. I'll come back to this when I can be more thorough.
. Rewarded 6
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well... a good take on the complex things that relationships are. The need to give space while being intimate is brought out well. For me the poem would have ended on a good humoured note at "of planning a trip to the shops"
Maybe i am saying this because i didn't find the last para in that good a taste. It is too literal a description of the whole answer to the nature's call business. It's funny, and somewhere else it might have cracked me up. Just thought it was unneeded here.
HM. Rewarded 8
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Vernacular
Hi H. and thank you for reading and commenting here. I think we have crossed wires about that last stanza. 'Climbing out of the shit' is an English vernacular expression. It has nothing to do with 'Nature's call' as you refer to it. The suggestion is supposed to be that sometimes people are happier being 'stuck' in old and circular arguments than taking the risk of moving beyond them - 'climbing' - to higher ground. Where they feel afraid of the new height. Hope that clears up any misunderstanding. I'll watch the comments to see if I've perhaps been a little too vague with those lines. Thank you once again for the feedback. >W<
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Reading this one shows me what you were saying earlier about word placement, to give it more umph etc... You have done very well with that in this one
I love the picture you put up with it.
The middle part to me says it all.
and the ending wraps it up beautifully but with a touch of humor. Or at least a ifelt a touch of hunmor
Again another write of yours that I enjoyed WH. Maybe not something I even expected from you but still your words bedazzle me
Cindy
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Many a truth was spake in jest
Hi Cindy and thanks once again for the positive comment. The 'humour' at the end has an edge to it I hope. My Best >W<
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