the air
anywhere
can get pretty foul sometimes
still
we'd rather have it
than not
how quickly
our breath
burns hot,
adrenaline shot
makes us lash out
thrash madly
against what keeps us
from what we forgot
we needed so
badly
choking
weeds grown
from careless seed
planted
the cost
so many precious blooms
lost
simply taken
for granted
In a list
Comments
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ahh, alteration...accepted
je suis...oh sorry. i'm a rhyming fan, that is i try in my work to make it rhyme from start to finish. and i have extra appreciation for the work of others where they showcase that talent and craftsmanship.
but in this piece, it probably isn't rhyming from start to finish. but the rhyming every so often was cool, i liked it
.
then comes the rhythm that works quite well. the 'partial' stop before the end of two of the verse's works well also.
the alteration of longer then shorter verse's(and lines) just makes it a...nicely from the ground-up constructed piece(in my opinion).
keep it up
...
. Rewarded 8
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Rhyme and I don't see eye to eye..
Hello Zoro and thank you for leaving your mark on my poem! I'm so glad you liked it, rhyme and all. I try to avoid too much rhyme and strict meters for I believe they tend to shove meaning and even feeling into second place when attended to too religiously. On the other hand, a well placed rhyme can highlight a message or a feeling like almost nothing else and in my own way I'm a bit of a slave to it. But when it starts taking over I like to break up the party! My thanks once more. >W<
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