Death thumps in my chest,
drops soft like falling fruit.
The leafy carpet whispers yes…yes.
Death thumps in my chest,
I kissed the mandrake of your breast
and now I fade with cloven foot.
Death thumps in my chest,
drops soft like falling fruit.
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Reviews
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Nicely done
"Drops soft like falling fruit" is a great line, very evocative. Liked the rest of it as well. -
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Thank you
for reading. I didn't at first think it a good poem, and I'm still not sure. Thanks again.
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For me, Bill, this isn't one of your best, but it has a couple of terrific images in it: thumping Death, its loud and proud heartbeat, and that mandrake allusion for death works well - the poet's kiss of that mysterious, trickster root. And the whole piece has that melancholic, self-absorbed theatricality of Byron's melodrama of a life as he penned it. The "cloven foot", too, as a devilish pointer to Byron's club foot, is appealing.
Despite those positive things, on the whole the poem seems sketched rather than developed, and the couplet repetitions at beginning and end seem lazy, without your usual depth. Also, and I could be missing a reference to one of his poems here, I see no detail that makes Byron uniquely visible here, other than that foot. Seems generic; but let me know if I'm missing a pointed ref to a poem or maybe a letter of his.
"Drops soft like falling fruit" sounds poetic, but I can't imagine a piece of fruit falling "soft"; it falls hard like anything with some weight, so that image doesn't work. Maybe the obvious "falls hard" would work better?
As I say, for me a few images work very well, but as a whole the poem seems thin, dashed off and one-dimensional. With some development and more salient refs to Byron himself, it might shine.
Lad -
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Hey Lad
Thanks for the honest, pointed comments on a work that I, too, still have doubts about.
No, there is no especial references to Byron other than the sense of melodrama and brooding overtones of the language and the obvious references that you pointed out. I guess my feeling is that this is a work less about the actual Byron than about the aura and echo of the Byronic Hero. To me, the poem is more about the mood evoked by reading Byron and thinking about his life and all of the dark passion he represents to me. It's an abstract, really, of everything the concrete person seemed to be-his essence. So, yes, this is dangerously close to sketchy if not downright so.
I imagine the sound an apple makes hitting the ground littered by autumn leaves as opposed to, say, the sound of a stone hitting frozen earth. An apple near too ripe, which hangs on too long, and finally falls to the earth in an exposion of cider scent.
As to the repetition, the form calls for it. It's a triolet. I think it works when one takes in the cyclic nature of life, death, seasons, etc. One fellow on another site said it reminded him of a drum-like death march.
I'll definitely take some of your criticism to heart, though, if I decide to do a rewrite of this. I may just leave it as is. I don't know. Thanks again for reading. -
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Bill, thanks for such a full response. I can see the poem more clearly now, not as Byron pondering his own death, but the poet feeling a Byronic dying in himself while reading or thinking about the man.
I'd heard of the triolet form years ago by reading Robert Bridges' "When We First Met", but had not attempted on myself, so, regrets on not noticing that. It seems to be a very pleasing and adaptable form; might try it myself. Anyway, I looked it up and, sure enough, yours here is a good example.
I think, now, that what threw me off most is the title, which seems a little too grand for such a compact poem; it also confused, for me anyway, the poem's point of view: Byron speaking or the poet here? So, a revised title might help, maybe something as clear as "On Reading Byron." Just a thought. I posted a poem about Auden last year, and everyone reading it got so confused as to who was speaking in it that I re-posted it with a more prosaic title: "On Finishing a Life of Auden", which cleared things up considerably. Damn titles, often a pain in the butt.
Later,
Lad
Again, thanks for the detailed reply. I try to call 'em as I sees 'em, but sometimes the ball goes in the wrong pocket. -
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Absolutely no reason for regret. Your response gives me pause and causes me to rethink. I agree that the title needs changed. Thanks.
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I love the words and references the big ol' "Cloven foot" he had, and the sly and mischievous Mandrake root. I liked the imagery alot, "death thumps in my chest" good line, thought the repeats were lacking strength or even meaning. More of a draft at this point I would think, but I do that all the time without telling people that it's a draft just to get remarks and see what they think, where they would go with it...Overall enjoyed most of it. Very minute and few weaknesses. Good JOB Bilbo.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you
I appreciate your feedback. I don't know yet where I'm going to take this. I always assume my work is a draft until it reaches a publication. Thanks for reading.
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Staunton
January 20