Sunsets
The sea and the sky got close
and found they had much in common.
They were both big
on colour, moisture, currents and the like
so they did a few sunsets together after work
even the odd rainbow.
It started out as friendship
but it moved along fairly quick
what with the sunsets and all
and who knows what went on after dark.
They started going steady
and it looked like a romance made in Heaven.
But the sea began to cool.
The sky sensed it
and they began to bicker
and then to shout.
They started throwing the furniture about.
God got between them and tried to sort it out
but he realized
they`d never make amends.
Lovers can never go back to being friends.
They still do a few sunsets together now and then.
I’m glad about that.
In a list
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Wonderful
I love this poem ti speaks about such simple thing in a large context. I think my favorite part is "who knows what went on after dark". I will never look at a sunset quite the same. -
Contemporary & Mythic
This poem has both contemporary & mythic qualities. The personification of sea and sky bickering with God getting in the middle of it seems very mythic. But the conversational tone "Lovers can never go back to being friends./They still do a few sunsets together now and then./I'm glad about that." This has a very canny, conversational feel that I really like.
I wonder if the second stanza makes the extended metaphor too obvious. I also wonder if "who knows what went on after dark" might be a bit too playful-- too cheap a thrill.
Also 'quick' in the first stanza should be 'quickly'
Despite my minor criticisms, I really enjoyed this poem and found the last stanza incredibly poignant.
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Deeply gratified
Dear Chicago,
You 'got' pretty much anything there is to get here and I thank you for taking the time to do so and for your astute comment. 'Quick' was quite deliberately chosen as a vernacular so we can both be right. A 'cheap thrill' has a place here, so even though I take your point in truly good heart, I won't edit it. Thank you for your 'poignant' remark. No artist could fail to find such comment hugely gratifying. So I thank you once again. >W<
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Hi,
I get a sense of a true historic in this poem, if feels cathartic. And that gives it an edge which may otherwise concile this to the vaults of emo smush.
Harsh, maybe but there is a fine line between the affairs of the heart and the words which portray them. Here I think the balance is in your favor.
After “moisture, currents and the like” I wouldn’t go for the use of rainbows I’d opr for something that strengthens the adversarial bond which often accompanies a infantile relationship.
E.g: tugging and teasing at each other,
light cast through spray and bloomed
Arching the way lovers do,
This would also allow you to tie in the close of the poem to rainbows (future romances) which I think are a great insight to the heart, who ever stops loving ?
For me a good read
Thanks,
hobby
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Not quite catharsis but...
Thanks for reading and commenting here Hobby and thank you for the benefit of the doubt which I may or may not deserve. I wrote with a 'childish' voice in my head and, I hope, with some humour. I wouldn't call it cathartic - but there is definitely an 'edge' to it as you seemed to perceive. Really appreciate the feedback as always. >W<
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Whatever you've been doing lately with your style, John, it sure works here - pure poetry, imaging, through a sunset, the once-was of "lovers (who) can never go back to being friends", despite the occasional blending of sea and sun without the former "cool"ing and "shouts" and thrown furniture - strong conrete and personalized events there that work vividly well in my reading.
Your work has always struck me with its flowing, contemporary style. But I notice a change lately in your executions that seem to make your poems even more natural, more easy on the page, more touchable so to say. I like that development, if that's what it is for you as you see it.
Pulling this poem's beginning all the way through to its humanized and real ending, well, that's no easy task; I've tried it often and things came out only so-so, for trying too hard. But you've mastered, I believe, that poetic work with what comes off to me as a calm and easy flow, a small drama with three acts, each leading smoothly into the next. Nicely theatrical and deceptively simple work for me to get into; the thing is far more complex than at first appears - the colorfully tender but fragile connections of love now stormed away, with regret. Ain't it the truth?
My only quibble is with the black letters on a dark green background. When I have to squint to read a poem, I'm apt to get testy in reviewing it. But this poem is so good for its truthfulness, I'll stay nice; the work deserves that, and I, too, "am glad about that."
Lad. Rewarded 8
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I love flattery!
Ah, Lad! Could it be that I have schmoozed you into a new positivity about me? Ha ha. Your glowing endorsement of my little ditty here has me blushing! With regard to your kind enquiry as to the 'flow' of my work I can only tell you that all of it is pretty much 'flow of consciousness' based due to my work with the morning pages. I wonder to you detect an element of directness due to my recent immersion once again in Bukowski's work. Unlikely in a fairy-tale like this I grant you, but it's the only thing I can think of.
Thank you as always for your input and feedback and particularly for this embarrassingly glowing endorsement! I loved it of course! Speaking of which you may note that Cindilicioius wasn't as gone on this as you were. Whilst on my next page, she loved 'Designer Labels' . Which only goes to prove that different strokes do different folks. Thanks as always my poetic pal. >W<
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I love the story your telling W
But as a hwole I don't like the poem, thats cause of the ending..to brief and short..I do understand what your saying and it's what needs to be said but I feel those two lines need some more backbone.
I looked at it and I thought and thought, I can'y get anything to come into my head to suggest, sorry, lol
I loved this stanza the most --
But the sea began to cool.
The sky sensed it
and they began to bicker
and then to shout.
They started throwing the furniture about.
God got between them and tried to sort it out
but he realized
they`d never make amends.
Lovers can never go back to being friends.
How true it really is impossble to go from lovers to friends...Well I am friends with one of my ex's and only becuase we simply worked better as friends...but the rest well exactly im not friends with them and I dont see it working to be lol..
Good write here W, hope I havent offended in any way
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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Honesty is always the best policy.
Hi Cinful One and thanks for commenting as always. Whilst I can't say I LIKE hearing someone didn't like a poem I do believe that there can be no considered comment that is 'bad', at least when, as in your case,there can be no question of anything but goodwill intended. Almost all my favourite poems went through an editing process and I think I can honestly say that I adopt and install more suggestions than most. Indeed, I am always a little circumpect if comment from another is ALWAYS completely positive. In a small community like this it's easy to lapse into a polite sort of sycophancy trying not to stand on anyone's toes. You can always tell it to me just like it is. I'd always prefer that.
As for the poem, I wonder if I left out the last two lines would it seem to have less trite conclusion?
Thanks for the feedback as always. My Best to you. >W< -
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Honesty is always the best policy.
Hi >W<
I dont enjoy pointing out I didn't like it etc or etc lol. But yep I am an honest person, I always try my best to a nice honest person
I think taking out the last two would be okay but then maybe I would work on the last line of stanza before the last 2 lines..As in maybe working the theme of what your saying it into two lines...could use something from your last 2 lines if you wanted...
An example just off the bat would be --
They still share a few sunsets every now and then but lovers can never go back to being friends.
Just an example...I am glad I didn't offend you, you know of course that is never my intention...
Cinful
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Sunsets
I was caught up into the beginning of your poem, later was caught by surprise.
lil -
When I first started to read, you caught me, then later I did not expect the ending.
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Thanks Lily
Glad you liked it, Lily. I really appreciate you reading and commenting. >W<
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