all this time -
self-inflicted rules
and stomachrocks
and war-painted charcoal smears
and cuts under nails
whispers under stairs
and "don't go there"
because I'm saving it for someone
and red bold fonts like
blood to limp extremity
and seasaltsympathies
and I,
I...
have feelings.
Both of us forget.
One of us doesn't.
Any suggestions?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Lots of punch!
Grabs your attention.
Loved the last phrase.
Open to several interpretations, but the staggered form of and "I ... I.... have feelings" is powerful.
I Rarely give 3 applause.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks so much Mr. Gagiikwe (an awesome last name, by the way). I think just about everything I write is open to multiple interpretations, which is how I like it - that way more people can relate to the words. Good to hear that you liked the staggering - I thought how much poetry there is which is an onslaught of verbal overspilling, my own included, and wanted to really stop the reader's eyes for a moment to focus.
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One of us wrote it
I would never comment on this poem, if there was not that lovely expression: "seasaltsympathies". It takes a lot of courage and sensitivity to write such a deep sounded word. The rest... you already know it... I love the way you express your self in a cacophony fragmentation - it seems your hold yourself not to escape from the moment of writing. This is, again, an accurate and intelligent form of writing.
. Rewarded 8
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You know, it always makes me very happy to hear that people like things like "seasaltsympathies". You know better than most, that I always write down whatever I think, and don't go back and change anything usually, but things like that are some of the best things to come out of my head. Thanks so much Custodio.
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but can you trust again ?
-- this one sounds like a "forgive and forget" relationship, without the "forget"
your poem is short, brief and effectively shown, not told. bravo. i've read it before, but it just took me a while to respond. lol. sorry.
all the images are daunting, giving the poem a darkened tone. as you try to "rehash" the relationship, you recall all the unspoken "self-inflicted rules" and unseen "cuts under nails" that tore it apart before.
overall, extremely well written. my only suggestions regard you use of punctuation. if you are going to use commas, then the second one needs to be inside the parenthesis. but removing them would open up the poem, making it more stream-of-consciousness, as memories are. so less structural punctuation seems fitting to this "i remember" poem. which brings me to the ellipses. if it were my poem, i woud be hesitant to use ellipses, because they almost seem like a filler. actually, they seem redundant. leaving the lines open with "and i" , "i", already implies the sort of time-gap-stutter-stall of the ellipses. this is also my feeling regarding commas following line breaks -- a line break creates the pause that the comma would otherwise create if was one long, continuous line, as in a piece of prose. so placing them after line breaks seem redundant in poetry, because poems are already broken up.
anyhow, that's my rant for today. i really appreciate all you've accomplished in this poem, and only want to add my two-cent critique, for what it's worth. but maybe these pennies are better left lying on the sidewalk.
Pap
. Rewarded 8
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Hah, trust is a whole different story. A novel unto itself.
It's funny, I started this poem as a general kind of relationship thing, and then by maybe the last two or three lines I totally focused in on one specific one, the last one, without realizing it.
I do agree with your suggestions about punctuation. I've had a lot of people tell me that, and even though I think I'm alright at spacing the lines apart, I rarely remember how the blank space is emphasis enough without punctuation. I'll go back into it in a few minutes. I thought about those ellipses too, and they felt wrong, but I thought I'd put them in anyway. They seemed to me less like a filler than language that one would use over the internet. Which is a wee bit disgusting to me.
Thank you so much for your suggestions - I'll put them into action immediately!
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i'm honored to help !
indeed, forgiveness does not imply trust.
i'm glad you found some use for my suggestions regarding your punctuation. the main body of the poem i much cleaner now that you've removed the commas. replacing the first ellipses with the only comma in the poem gives it a emphasis -- a stronger line break that signals your change in focus. likewise, leaving in the second ellipses makes it more pronounced, being the only one used, and creates the sense that you are searching for the right words to say in the next line.
overall, your revisions have opened the poem up and made the punctuation more effective, being wisely used in moderation.
bravo!
Pap
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Ah, moderation. Something I'm not the best at. But again, thank you for the suggestions, they helped make some necessary changes.
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Good subject.
Quit different from all I ve read from you before.You have to chose a good subject and elaborate a really moving poem using no traditional forms.Trying to reach rhyme and tone are sometimes limitations to creativity.
Most important is to say what you want to say and you certainly do it here.
To pick what to remember and what to forget will be easier than having to amount memories we dont really like to keep.
This poem is quite unique.I wil recommned it.
regards from Ludmila
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks Ludmila, I agree with you completely. Hope you are well!
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i love the frantic, conversational tone of this. it comes through as so personal, such a raw reaction to a recently abandoned relationship. your "I, I..." only helps to insist the poem's urgency, as the speaker spits out a tumble of memories until he or she is able to stop, to get to the point, to speak to and for the person opposite them rather than themselves. this seems like such a classic dilemma...having so much to express and realizing it doesn't translate into the kind of words one can share out loud. i'm not sure that this is what you intended, but i find that, for me, your poem exudes this sort of frustration with words, with another person you just recently realized doesn't live inside your head, and with the detailed memories of a relationship that hold such different interpretations for such different people. very well done, i've read it a few times already and plan to take another round before i leave the page. a wonderful poem.
. Rewarded 8
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That's such a good description - frantic and conversational... I really like that. Maybe that's how I'll start describing my brand - conversational.
What you said is exactly what I was feeling. Thanks so much for reading, and for the great comment!
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kev...
again....u keep me thinking and feeling things im not sure i should be....
the first stanza is wonderfully crafted in the sense that you have pointed out bits and pieces of relationship issues creatively. it is something i would not have thought of, but after reading, can only say......hey, thats right....etc.
and the kicker of course, the ending, got to me. now, I'm feeling something in my stomach going up to my heart...whew...
a very good read. If it was fattening, i would have gained some. LOL!
how are u?
Lynne
. Rewarded 8
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I'm glad you were able to get beyond the initial "that doesn't quite make sense" and feel the descriptions inside. Because those are always the things that I think of, or that I really feel and then write them down.
And so happy you liked the ending. I was unsure of it, but now I like it.
Doing alright on my end. A bit sick, which really sucks, but otherwise, I'm just hangin in there. How're you?
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I actually made "stomachrocks" up. Sometimes I fuse words together that make sense for the context, so instead of "rocks in a stomach" I just condense it.
After reading what you said about the two lines, I see what you mean. Do you have a suggestion for how it should be rewritten? -
It was like I was sitting with you at a coffee shop or something, we are talking and these words are coming from your mouth...thats how well this is written to me
The last two lines work so well to me....Like really making the point etc...
I think maybe you've made up stomachrocks...But heck if you did, so what it's a cool word/term and fitting to the piece
Good write here, Enjoyed stopping in on it
Cindy
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Oh yes, I definitely made up stomachrocks. I like sticking words together that seem to fit together well.
Glad you liked reading it, and how it seemed to speak so easily to you - sometimes I come off a little oblique, or at least used to more often.
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Gagiikwe
January 26