I hate this coat.
It has a mind of its own.
At least it had until it lost it.
Now it wants to rule the world.
Well, this town maybe.
Well, at least,
it bosses me around.
I bought it out of a catalogue.
It looked great
and I was getting it half price.
Nice.
In fact half-trade.
I was made up with myself.
Specially when someone
who knew
told me it was special.
‘It’s for sailing.
Ocean racing actually.
It’s one of the best.”
Now I was impressed.
But I shouldn’t have been.
I mean
I soon got to know
about its foibles.
Like it stands up
on its own.
I’ve thrown it in the closet
and found it hanging up
the next morning.
All the other coats and jackets
were in the corner,
shivering.
It doesn’t like to be interfered with.
It's guarded
with Velcro
of industrial strength.
You’d want to be in the full of your health
to rip the pocket flaps open.
Then the guardian
rips skin off your wrist
as you fumble for car keys.
Say ‘please, pretty please’
and it might
let you have them.
Then again.
It might not.
It seems peeved
that I haven’t got a yacht.
Everything’s Velcro
for ‘ease of use’.
So when you’re fighting a ‘breeze’
in mountainous seas
off Cape Horn,
wishing you’d never been born,
you can tighten your cuffs.
Most coats think a bit of elastic there
is enough.
It insists on being neat.
And it punishes me
if I leave anything flapping.
Unsecured Velcro flaps
search
for stuff to stick to.
Like each other.
I once caught a cuff on a lapel
and had to read a book by Houdini
to get out of it.
It’s scary.
It will pick up anything hairy.
A scarf, a woolly jumper.
The cat next door.
Last week it forcibly dragged two old ladies
from the department store.
It’s a boy scout.
It’s prepared.
It will keep you warm
and in
and others
out.
even if all you have on is underwear.
In fact especially.
It’s ‘good’.
It has a hood,
that hides in the collar,
thank God.
It’s neon yellow.
In case a fellow needed spotting
by the coast guard.
As if they’d rescue it.
Yesterday I figured it needed a clean.
It stood up on its own again.
With me inside it.
I took it to the washing machine
and laid into it with a baseball bat.
Even at that I had to fight
to get it inside.
When the water hit it
I think it mistook it
for the tide
or a drowning experience.
It broke out
and turned into a life raft.
It set off two flares in my kitchen.
And it unrolled its neon yellow hood.
I escaped in the helicopter
Author notes
This is true.
In a list
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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My dear, this is utterly, utterly off the wall
and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, laughing aloud at every (or in places every other) line while my companion throws me the odd and/or anxious or suspicious glance between scenes of CSI. I love the surreality of it and my fav bit because the rhyme is so well-timed is
So when you’re fighting a ‘breeze’
in mountainous seas
off Cape Horn,
wishing you’d never been born,
you can tighten your cuffs.
Most coats think a bit of elastic there
is enough.
Hilarious and I don't mean Clinton.
Nice one. Best RA
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Clothing- fiction poetry?
Rare!!this is quite strange to read.I have other choics today but the title took my attention.I was wondering wht will a coat insppire to someone.
This is a good exercise of creativity.This is a real good done poem and I know that can be hard to understand at first reading.
I am use to rad poetry about feelings or individuals, not always about clothes adventures!!
It have been a good experience...
Regards from Ludmila.
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Yep, "true" as the best of fictions are, and this one takes the cake, John, for imagination - chuckled all the way through it. The master story-teller goes poetic and jokey with all those one-liners. I could hear all the oldtime stand-ups doing their schtick in this one, one crack after another. Love it, especially the final line ("Always leave 'em laughing" as the pros say). And the part about velcro had me seeing the winter coat I bought last year, loaded with that sticky stuff all over the place - I have to yank that crap loose just to get out some change.
Wit and whimsy to the max! A-plus.
Lad -
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Cheers Lad. Glad it gave you a smile. >W<
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Delightful tongue-in-cheek
I don't like giving threes; but the coat threatened to abandon me at sea!
Good for a chuckle or two. reminded me of the space suit on My Favorite Martian.
Have fun getting the coat off, once it finds our that you've told its secret to the non-boating world.
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Thank you for laughing!
Hi GW. Glad it made you laugh. Mission accomplished. I never saw 'My Favourite Martian' but I can imagine what fun they may have cooked up with an unruly spacesuit. I tried to push the uncontrollable feel of this coat as far as I could and work with it a bit like a stand-up comedian would, stretching the chewing gum of the idea just far enough but not breaking it. A good laugh was a perfect result for me. Thank you for having one! Thank you for the applause. Nothing like a good audience! >W<
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hahahahahahaha, Oh gosh this was an excellent tale of read, I agree with Dave it could be like an episode of the twilight zone lol. I laughed while reading. You had my full attention
, It flowed really well and evn though a longer poem I never felt the length.
Definetly a werid write for you but something exciting to read all the same hehehe
Thanks for sharing this experience >W<
Cin
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A funny story should make people laugh.
The poem could have not greater compliment than your giggles. Just a bit of fun. >W<
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hey W
could be an episode of the twilight zone. they've had some with those dummies that take on a life of their own.
but i think you strike on the theme of over-kill here where when you get something with all the bells and whistles its always a hassle and the simpler item that serves its purpose is better in the end.
dave. Rewarded 6
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Of course it's not ALL true but....
Hi Dave. I was just having some fun with a topic that's been amusing me lately. I really do own this coat and I really did buy it in a catalogue. And it really was a mistake and it IS an ocean-racing yachtsmans jacket (I only realized later - I just liked the colour!). Recently I had to throw my old favourite coat away after a mishap so this monstrosity has been plied into service. I'm sure it's great if your sailing around the Cape - but it's a pain in the butt to a civilian! Hope it gave you at least one chuckle. >W<
p.s. just finished reading 'Post Office'. Great!
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