Creeks and rivers flow café crème
fed by melting molars of snow.
I sit and think of you now and then.
Creeks and rivers flow café crème.
Your ripple glint smile, robins flit in,
thinking of you, daffodil trumpets blow.
Creeks and rivers flow café crème
fed by melting molars of snow.
Reviews
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hey bill
this captures a nice moment and gives a nice impression. is this a sonnet? however i think for you, this is a little tame and lacks your usual bite.
dave. Rewarded 4
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It's a triolet...
a short form I really like because it doesn't take much time to write; and right now, I need all the time I can get. No, it's not edgy at all. I'm trying to lighten myself up a little. Thanks for reading Dave.
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Sickly sweet?
I detect a little edge to this, Brandon, smoothly concealed in the cafe creme. It suggests a rather sickly sweetness, like desire. And the melting molars are a forbidding image. That plus the title...forbidden desire? I hate guessing as I'm usually wrong, but I never seem to learn. I liked it anyway. >W< -
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You're pretty much right...
to tell the truth, I do so little thinking about my own stuff sometimes. The "melting molars" for instance. I just wanted a unique description of melting snow. Thanks for reading.
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Hi, Bill.
Second time I've looked at this one. Not bad - another game shot at a triolet, with an all-at-onceness of images about (I'm presuming) the poet's (teeth-gritting?) crush on someone while crushing molars melt. For me, it's strongly reminiscent of Elizabeth Bishop's shorter pieces but without the probing or personalized discovery. Yours does, though, have a light lilt to it.
I've been playing with the triolet form lately too, discovering that it's a lot more tricky a form than at first appears. The difficulty is getting the required three repetitions of a line, plus two reps of another line, to meld into the poem other than simply by repetition. That's what I think probably doesn't work here - just my opinion. The "...cafe creme...snow" lines seem to have little to do with the other five lines other than being restated - repetition in place of development or depth. Still, I admire your bravery in taking on traditional forms.
All the best!
Lad -
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Thank you
for reading, Lad. Sorry it's been awhile since I've been here. My last computer crashed and we've had to replace it. It's too far of a drive for us to use public computers. I appreciate your giving this a read.
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Hmmm, I gotta say, Brandon, that I find the triolet form incredibly dull, though I applaud you, as always, for experimenting with formal structures. You do manage to get in your usual brooding, original, masterful images-- "cafe creme" is a perfect description of overflowing waterbeds. I think winter is getting to us all here, the February Crush the desire for spring, an end to "molars of snow" trapping us in crushing jaws.
I'm reminded of a Barenaked Ladies song, "the foam on the creek looks like pop and ice cream."
I am curious to see where your experimentation will lead.
Lauren -
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Thank you...
Thank you for your honesty and for reading, Lauren. My computer crashed and we've had to replace it, so it's been awhile since I've been here. I appreciate your feedback as always.
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February 5