The cemetery's nightlight is scary,
My conscious wall's ready to fall.
I face You cause You're my fear
Laughing, I called you near.
I'm wishing for you
to disappear.
Now you're gone.
No more
fear.
Author notes
just a nonet about facing your fears when you're all alone, in the dark by yourself as a youngster thinking of scary things. You have to laugh at death b/c life is beautiful. A "Nonet" is a form of poetry that starts off with 9 syllables in the first line, then dropping one syllable every line thereafter, such as line 1: 9 syllables
line 2: 8 syllables
line 3: 7 syllables
and etc. etc. until you get down to only one syllable, which of course is then the end of the "Nonet" style.
In a list
I'd just like an honest opinion...thanks
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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"The cemetery's nightlight is scary,
My conscious wall's ready to fall."
Really beautiful ! I like the structure of your poem.
Facing fears is well described in your poem.Fear is always part of our consciousness and sometimes it rules over our self .I like your poem cause there's a bit of philosophy in there. A great connection between cemetery and consciousness .In my opinion cemetery represents the dankness,fear that makes your wall fall .
A really nice piece.
~Feb~
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Interesting style. I like the idea and the fact that it is short, simple, and to the point. I can imagine that it was hard to appropriately place the right wording for each line and make it go together right. I think it would have been kind neat if you had the same rhyme throughout the poem. Maybe words rhyming with fear to describe it. Then, ending with "fear" set alone at the bottom. Just an idea that I thought would have been neat. Anyways, it's past my bedtime and your not here to remind me. Sheesh, what am I ever going to do? :
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Wow!!!
K.... so u say that this is about faceing our fears....my biggest fear is that my uncle will come back to finish hurting me...see....i left him cuz he was hurting me....alot....os i moved back with my mom......this puts this whole fear thing into perspective
. Rewarded 6
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This is magical!!It is very simple and small yet it has a hidden power,an energy that is summoned when you read it. Your poems to my eyes resembles a spell,an incantation. The triangle shape it has and the technique of dropping one syllable every line thereafter was used by many in incantations to cast away negative emotions or illnesses. It succesfully manages to cast away the fear felt in the very first lines. However to me it did not speak of a youngster thinking of scary things. It involved a more mature theme,a fear of someone who is older.I mean the line "Laughing,i called you near." even suggests some kind of sensuality to me. And "my concious wall's ready to fall" is a line that would not have been delivered by a young kid. I guess it depends on the point of view.
Overally,to my surprise i liked it very,very much!
. Rewarded 8
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The poem is nice. I'm not really into the rhyming. I think you're still in the cat-hat-sat state of mind. I do like the nonet form. I think it's pretty cool. I also like the concept. And uhhh...that's about it. Much love.
. Rewarded 4
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Hey Sarah
Love your pastries. Thanks for stopping by to read and even more leave a comment. Yes the style is kewl, it definately helps the concept which I thought was really original. But like you said the rhyming was very amatuer...but it was supposed to be childish...through a child's voice. You should take a look at some of the other poems I have on here, about half don't have constant childish rhyming like this. But cat-in-the-hat was a good book and Dr. Suess was an amazing poet LoL. I know what you mean when you say it though. But like I said, I have progressed since then, and this one was written with limitations. Not my thing b/c I'm just starting out. -
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sorry
Hope to talk to ya soon, when I get some more time I'll be taking a look at some of your work and giving you some comments. Thanks again for stopping by to take a gander.
TTYL
MM -
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Don't Trip Potato Chip
When you put it that way
"through a child's voice" I understand
Dr. Suess was awesome I do have to say. My elementary school had paintings in the hallways with a lot of stuff from his books. I always would read them. I knew them by memory.
I'll definitely look at your other stuff and check it out. My stuff's not that great
but I try. Whenever you have time is fine. Also, I liked the pic. Much love.
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Hey MM
man i liked this one too, a little lame but the way it looks is cool, the style it has. and like the other people said it makes it look like the fear is disappearing. i guess i understand its prolly hard to write about whateva ya want when there are restrictions on the length of lines. but overall i enjoyed it, made me laugh and think of when i used to be afraid of goin into my uncles shed. i always ran by as fast as i could pretending someone was chasing me. or else i would sing. hahaha
peace
jay
. Rewarded 8
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Wow, I can tell your're also quite the poet yourself!
My feelings towards this poem are the same as Bill- I love the concept of the "triangle structure". It's like the fear is going away as the poem is...
it's quite intriging, actually.
Coming from me, a simple 13 year old kid...I don't think you would
really care of my criticism.
However, I suggest that the rhyming could be more...something.
I understand that using words that rhyme is hard, but I found that you
could of done somethiggn a bit more interesting with the rhyming words (such as fear, dear...etc).
Overall, a great poem!
. Rewarded 8
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No No
Please don't think because of your age that I will not take your comments and suggestions to heart, sometimes people that know nothing of poetry can spot out the obvious that even experienced poets cannot point out, so thank you for your comment and I look forward to reading more of your work, and I would also enjoy it very much to hear your comments on any of my work, its ALWAYS a pleasure to hear a comment. Thank you so much and hope to hear from ya soon.
TTYL, Your friend
MM
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Great poem
I really liked this one. Fear is a very strange phenomenon. On a primal level is has some value for survival. But fear can easily become out of balance and take us over in the form of a phobia.
It is amazing that fear is the negative side of a wish. Something as simple as playing a sport like tennis for example. I’m loose and fine during practice but as soon as it is a match my arms become spaghetti. And it takes a lot of positive concentration to replace that negative side of that wish to what Im really wishing for “I want to win! “Instead of “I don’t want to lose!”
I liked the triangle form of the poem. I don’t know if you had any symbolism behind it or not but it symbolised for me the disappearance of fear. Plus I really appreciated the Authors notes. It is always helpful to get some insight behind the poem.
Nice read!
Bill
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hey bill
thanks alot, glad you enjoyed the poem, and I'm glad you felt that the nonet style of the poem helped make the feeling and message stronger, wasn't my original goal, just wanted to give a nonet a shot, But it ended up working to my advantage. I also enjoy the author notes as well, it does give you an inside look at what the person is trying to relay to his/her audience or whomever is reading. Thank you again for your time and even more for your comment, Nice to hear from ya!
TTYL
MM
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Didn't like it.
The rhymes are so vulgar, and the text format as a triangle is so mediocre... What can I say? I believe this poem represents an honest feeling or scenario, but it is expressed in such a pitiful tone... Another detail: it should be "cemetery" in the title. I do believe you felt something special around this cemeterial view, but you haven't found the right words to express it yet. Let it mature, but do not forget it. Just a last remark: the picture is so elementary and absolutely unneeded! -
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haha
thank you for your time, could have given more of it though, like to actually explain yourself or give constructive criticism, thanx again for your time.
MM
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this is a fun form to experiment with....i like to do something i a tight form like that and it makes the freedom of my natural writing all the more unrestrictive...like the sound of this..........i dont find it creepy but full of bravado.....can just hear a child's voice quaking......nice job!
. Rewarded 6
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Hey LD
Thank you, yes I enjoyed playing with this form, seemed to make everything more powerful. It was definately a new step for me. I'm glad to hear that you liked it. Thank you for your kind words and I'm glad you could hear it with a child's voice, Makes it a alot stronger. Thank you for your time and thank you even more for your comment.
TTYL
MM
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Very eerie. This reminds me of Pet Cemetary, with the little child's evil voice. Ick!! Gives me chills thinking of him lol. I thought everything flowed really well in this style, making the tone and feeling stronger with the style. I liked the rhyming as well. Nicely done.
Sherry
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hey sherry
thank you so very much for your comment. I thought that was funny that it made you think of Pet Cemetary. WoW what a kewl way to look at the poem now, yea i can hear that little evil child's voice and i too wanna just erase the boy, at least in that movie. Ramblin on again. UMM...yea you hit it on the head, thank you and glad you enjoyed.
TTYL, Your Friend
MM
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Wow mm, the fear really came through, the nonet stle helping the strength of your message in my opinion
But apon investigation and use of my syllable counter it would appear line one is only 8 and not 9 syllables.
To me it doesn't matter, yes it does if your being exact to the style etc, but the wording felt so right, thats why I probably didn't even notice staright away lol
I enjoyed the rhyming aswell Your right you do have to laugh
at death b/c life is beautiful, spot on my friend
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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thank you
Hello Cindy and thank you for reading and thank you even more for commenting. I could have sworn I had 9 lol, but I will make a simple change. I'm glad you enjoyed the write, and I'd also like to thank you a bunch for sending me that other form, I'll be giving that a stab soon as well, thanks again for your time.
Your friend
MM
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Really nice shot at a nonet, MM. All the requirements of the form seem to be in place, with the nine lines and the dropping of one syllable in each line. And, for me at least, I enjoyed your skill with that fun form.
Then, there's the theme: the poet, sort of whistling past a graveyard to keep the willies away, decides not to be afraid, even though Death has a way of breaking through our "conscious wall"; and he does that by "Laughing" - a very brave response in the midst of a creepy cemetary at night. I think that laughter is probably the best response in the heart to Death ("You") and, for a time anyway, makes "You" disappear - "No more / fear." The whole poem is neatly and cleanly put together, marcus - a treat to enjoy, especially how you managed to capture a child's voice, not an easy thing to do. Nice work.
You might not need commas after "conscious wall's", after the 5th line's "you" (do you want that capitalized too?) and after "more". Omitting those commas might make the lines flow more naturally in a youngster's voice. Just a thought.
Concise poem! with a strong theme. Isn't it fun to experiment with different forms? For me, doing that makes writing poetry all the more exciting.
Later -
Lad. Rewarded 8
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Hey Lad
I'm thankful the feeling got across to you. You hit it right on the money. I remember facing my fears as a youngster, such an adventure! I would tend to laugh whenever I got to the point where I thought the worst could happen, idk what it was, maybe I was trying to trick or prove to the monsters under my bed or in my closet that I wasnt afraid, and that they should be the ones that are afraid. IDK? And yes I too love to play around with different formats or poetry, like to challenge myself and "break on through" if you will. Thank you for your advice, I have made the changes and hope to be talking again soon.
Your Friend
MM
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Good stuff
I think the last word has to stand alone and not be part of the line above, but I'm not sure. Best ask Cindy.
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