I felt my conscious faded during deep sleep
but came the brightness and gone back soon
again I sensed blend of dusk and daylight all at once
snout tried gulping air and heartbeats licked already none.
Murmuring sound of two, three or four I could hear
one praised my innocence, I wondered how of why
my favorite roses spread fragrance, I felt drowsy
Chanting voices, mantras of priests, sneezing mother
Pity looking my dad, weeping sister, consoling crowd, and
pretending missies who risked sticking sadness to their faces
not succeeding, their faces indexed their minds vividly well.
I loved walking in a procession, but then I walked the pageant
People prayed God to bless me with heaven and peace
I prayed back for all, wished them good journey as I had
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Author notes
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Picasso's L'Aubade, 1942 : I don't think this pic is anyway related the 'topic'...
Wanna say 'Blah'?
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Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I liked what you were saying and the words were enough for to attempt to visulise what you saw. I have never seen the picture myself but if were to I should think it would look like your imaginative description of Picassos work. It would have worked just as equally as a single verse. I particularly liked the last but one line, this part is really beautiful - 'People prayed God to bless me with heaven and peace.'
. Rewarded 8
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i like the part about the "pretending missies". but it's pretty good as a whole. keep it up!
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Sadly don't know Picasso's L'Aubade
Have no clue if this relates the way you wanted it to or not. To be honest I had to read this a few times to get a grip on it so to speak. I like the way your first line describe how the consciousness feels as though it's simply in deep sleep. I would think sound in line five would be plural since there are three or four people making sounds. I like that in the seventh line you made another reference to feeling drowsy again. I felt like it carried your original thought well. I like the general way you described the spirit being aware on some "sleepy" level of what was happening the whole time. I had to read it several times but if I'm not mistaken line 12 is comparing the walking in the funeral procession with taking part in a beauty pageant. The spirit still enjoyed walking the "runway" so to speak. I love the fact that you ended it with the spirit praying for peace for the living. Sometimes I think maybe we need their prayers at that point more than they need ours. If they lived a good life they are already at peace. Hence the term rest in peace.
. Rewarded 8
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That was a beautiful begining of the poem as much as in the very beautiful way a day begins..but dint quite comprehend your definition of the words "procession and pageant" since you have used the word "but then" in between there which i think is snynonymous..Well..are you striking some difference there..am puzzled yet what remains imperative is that it is a splendid poem and i quite appreciate it for its dreamy and mysterious nature
Thanks for giving me that good read kiddy
Love
Rhythmdivine
. Rewarded 8
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applause
Liked very much short & sweet(to the Point) but full of texture -
Liked very much. Short sweet but full of textur
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hey kiddy
Yeah the poem and picture don't seem to coincide but that doesn't really matter, the picture's of a funeral and it's a beautiful painting of one so I still feel it's appropriate. Good job on that part. The poem itself was amazing. I loved how it was a story but yet still soo poetic. Very nicely done there, I was very impressed with that. And I thought you ended the poem with class. Overall just a great read and I have to thank you for sharing it and allowing others to see the beauty of life. Very nicely done, you're a very talented woman. Congrats!! and I hope to hear from ya soon.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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The 'pretending missies' line was a great piece of commentary.No, I guess the poem doesn't fit the painting. However, the poem reflects your culture. Having worked in a cancer ward I could identify with Picasso's painting closely.
. Rewarded 4
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I like it. Not quite sure about the grammar, but it's a very good portrait.
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unique write. i like your subject and how you portrait it.
my favorite roses spread fragrance
well this line gave me some humour, to living those roses on graves are least favourite..
well i wish and hope oyu live long and happy
. Rewarded 4
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Beautiful
Lots of beautiful, soft, gentle and graceful imagery in this poem. It placed a warm feeling in my heart and a picture Of someone who enjoyed life and is now so thankful that from thje other side comes wishes to share her own past happiness with others.
I say again,
Beatiful,
Thank You for this,
Rich
. Rewarded 4
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Death, funerals, and poems about them attract me. The solemnity, mystery, grief and love that surrounds it leaves me awe-stricken. The interesting thing about this poem is it takes the perspective of the dead. A true portrait of a funeral. I enjoyed the ending, the idea of the dead praying for the living is an interesting concept. The full cycle of the blessings was a good ending for this interesting poem. The poem's form is interesting. The words are presented with not much transition, but the seemingly choppy or abrupt presentation does work.
-iphios -
vaccation over.. have to go back to ... ( where? )... the journey ends or starting ?? who knows ?
one thing we know.. this is a short trip.. let us enjoy this trip with nice words and high thoughts, eventhough we are strangers to each other!and in the end we can say good bye with a pounding heart....
long live dear sister...( you and your poem )
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