It must have been
those long silences
that made me say it right
before you fight again
my jumbled words of
"the end".
"Stop".
"I'm giving up".
Maybe
in these misty,dark spaces
I will lose traces
of your face,
voice,
touch,
stare.
Please bear with me
while I reset the clock
that holds each second of what we got.
There's just a lot
to forget.
Too much to exhale.
If only I don't breathe you in
every time.
any thoughts?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Regret?
I know the title of this poem is "exhausted" but I certainly felt a river of regret running through it. I pictured the speaker having just broken from a relationship that simply wore him/her out, and now they are wondering if they will be able to move on or recover from it. Perhaps it is not so mych regret I sensed, but fear... or fear of regret! There definitely seemed to be that feeling of a long difficulty having just been ended and the relief of that being overshadowed by concern over what was waiting in the morning. Let me know if I am at least close to the intended meaning, or if I am far from the mark, as I am sometimes am.
A very nice poem that I enjoyed quite a bit... good work! -
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hi mark
thanks for this nice review.
well, hmm, this is more of anticipating the end of something and really not getting there...and the thought just drains me out....
so yeah, there are some bits of regret, regret on why i got in here in the first place. But then again, just thinking about happier times, it seem just worth it all.
thanks again, see u around here soon.
Lynne
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This is a good longing poem.
Why do we torture ourselves with the regurgitation of loss? I don't know. But this poem is a great description of the process that leaves us empty and entrapped in hopeless longing. This has a very sad tone throughout that engenders empathy in the reader. I feel for your sense of loss, Lynne. Anytime you can get the reader to feel what you feel, and see what you see it is a success. Very good, lynne.
al
p.s. hincky line-"that holds each section of what we got" Needs reworking or something. It stands awry in a stream of coalescing congruence.
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actually, I still haven't lost this one yet, but I can see it coming, somehow.... and these are my thoughts on it, especially, when i feel really sad.
thanks for stopping by al...so glad to hear from you again. will find the time to check on your work again soon.
be safe,
Lynne
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Inhaling Exhaustion!
Hi, Lynne! I found myself holding my breath whilst reading and following your audacious rhyming here waiting for the flow to stumble and fall flat. To my great relief it never did - it eased seamlessly to the great final line which neatly wrapped up this breath of pure poetry well-suited for oral rendition. I hope one day SwearPoetry will enable a platform for us to read in our work (or trick a barrel-chested thespian to do it for us).
Mucho regards and so nice to see you again on good form!
gG
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gG
wow, i am so glad to see you here in my page! thanks for stopping by and your sending me those inspiring lines.
Well, reading our work would be a splendid idea. Count me in....
see u around and best regards,
L
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Hey Lynne!
A very entrancing poem. It sometimes sounds like a break up poem until the end. But then again, after reading it again, it sounds like you can’t get enough of that person.
I enjoyed it very much but please let us know what you were thinking while writing this one.
Bill
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hi bill!
its about trying to get over a person, but the truth is, i really don't want to...and it's just so damn hard.
so, you hit the spot there.
thanks for this comment and the applauses
L
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"There's just a lot / to forget" - ain't it the truth? when we get into those frustrating fights with all their "long silences" and "jumbled words" that never seem to heal anything; only slow "breathing" in of the other person can work to make things settled and a little better, and that doesn't always happen either! Really fine poem for me to breathe in, Lynne; it's got all kinds of relationship experience behind it and the poet sure knows what she's doing in it. All the rhymes and lines work. Great little poem, Lynne, about those quarrels that leave us "exhausted". And it's got a good warning in those last two lines. First rate!
Lad -
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Lad...
you are the sweetest.
Salamat! (thank you in Filipino)
L
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Very poetic.
I see you've been dusting off your old notebooks! This is much more the Scribbler that snuck off on us nearly a year ago. I like how you've really 'worked' the line breaks and dropped in just the right amount of (mostly internal) rhyme. Most of all I love the conceit, the idea that a relationship is like shared breaths, the new importance that gives to silences. Silence is golden but the last thing a relationship wants is the Midas touch. It feels like a couple in bed together, arguing, then making up. Nice work, Lynne, really nice. My Best to you. >W<
p.s. It has some small grammar problems which make it stutter for me ever so slightly. I'll mail you an edit and see if you're still as stubborn as ever! x J.
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hmmm
i am still my old stubborn self, unfortunately. hehe...but I have read your message and I will find the time to check on your suggestions again and see what I can change. right now im just too busy, cant stay online for too long.
just the same, thank you so much, really.
L
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Mark McNulty
March 1