Good Evening Sweety...
I guess I don't have to ask how your day was....a man and his machine....but it was very sweet for you to say you were thinking of me, with that (censored.) I have a poem....the...
ONE MORE SIP OF CROWN...poem
Hey ! I was wrong
there was one more Bud left,
the key word here, is "was"....
I was considering the Crown Royal
but I would end up
doing it
as a shooter
and that
would be a waste
maybe
just one
warm mouthful
I promise
I will sssssiiiiipppp it
....while I assault myself..........
Sipping done... assaulting...not quite yet
thinking about you....
Feeling you groan.....
my mouth full
of the sound,
full of you.
It has been
toooooo
looooong....oh God....
thinking of you
on my tongue
salty
sweet......
and you
with
those faded Wranglers.......
your boots still on.....
holding up your shirt tails,
looking down at me
as I pull them
past your heel....
Holding the back
of my head
so we move
in unison.
I can feel
you
in my hands
as I hold on......
yesssss.....
a warm sip of you;
a burning
like a liquor
into my gut.
Do you think Crown Royal will buy it ????? If they used it as an ad campaign who would buy it men or women????
Or should I have just said I miss you???
Something is amiss with this program tonight...I almost lost this poem during spell check....time to send and call it a night...let the assaulting begin!!!... "
As deep as you want to go.......
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hot and Sexy
Yeah like it a lot!! So hot and sexy, but could have done without the 'chunks' at the beginning and the end! -
I like this a lot. I think it could do without the beginning and end 'chunks.' They kind of ruin the feel of the piece.
I like the short lines and long stanzas. It makes the read quick and it flows well, just like you would want in a piece like this..
I think it might flow a little better if all the ..... were the same length. If you want a longer pause then you could just make the next line a beginning of a new stanza. Just noting that I studdered over those parts a little.
Overall, good piece. It was vivid with imagery and it's composition was well done.
Express.ions
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hey algo
the background sucks, its hard to get erotic when your looking at fucking coffee beans, but the poem was on fire. i think what made it, was you didn't name exactly it was what you were going to do, making the reader use their imagination. hey can you speak to my old lady, and tell her about the wonders of Crown Royal?
dave -
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on the nose...
Hey Dave,
Thanks for the comment... You're right, When I thought back, I couldn't think of why I used that background. I changed it to look more like letterhead...
ttfn Laurel
PS I'm thinking you might get "it" more often, if you stopped calling her your "old lady"... even In your mind/jest... We all know the power of words here...I always liked "hot hunk of burning love", but I'm sure you can be more creative than that.
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Lines 36 through 39. I had to read several times to understand that you were pulling his Wranglers down, not his shirt sleeves down to his heels. Otherwise a nice piece of erotica.
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Boots...
Hi,
Thanks for the comment...
This section is talking about the boots...
It is the last noun, before the description of his point of view, and my acting on the boots.
When I wote it, I added the part about pulling them past his heel to intgrate the thought back to the boots. I talked about the wranglers previously, so the reader would picture the removal of his jeans in their minds without me actually saying it... I think that the reader will fill in the appropriate blanks, without my being grossly graphic...
And what the reader assumes, is what makes it individually erotic.
and you
with
those faded Wranglers.......
your boots still on.....
holding up your shirt tails,
looking down at me
as I pull them
past your heel....
I appreciate the thoughtful read, and comment. I will keep an eye out to see if that is a stumbling point rather than an enhancer.
ttfn Laurel
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i find the visual aspect of the poem very sexy indeed apt to the oozing primordial soup from the full 'cup' hehe find this very very interesting =)))
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nope
im sorry, but this just screams 'im an alcoholic in denial who sits around remembering the times i fucked my hardworking (or redneck) husband rough when i should be lookin for a job'language: 2, rhythm: 2, subject: 1, tone: 2, form: 3.
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LOL
I'm not sure where you got jobless from... I wrote this when I was working a full time job as a retinal angiographer, and a part time job as a surgical technician... My honey lived too far away for me to see him more than once or twice a week...
I'm also not sure how a beer and a snifter of Crown while winding down from a stressful day of work, taking care of people going blind, makes for an alcoholic in denial...
Personally, I am a pothead (legal)... I have had a six-pack of Sierra in the fridge since the day after Christmas... When my honey comes home next week, I plan to suck that six-pack down, and assault him...
I was hoping I could get a sense of whether I achieved the effect of flirtation... The poem was meant to be erotic.
Your comment was very judgmental.... and lacked any reference to poetry... I must have pushed a button for you, maybe you got turned on, and don't know what to do with it...
You may notice... I wrote an erotic poem, and a reply to your rude comment, without using any vulgar words... Not that I don't use those words with aplomb … Just not on other people…
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