If ever,
now we need the other,
I said "You're not supposed to run".
In real life, she'll take her cover.
Our home,
The place she shuns.
I made it through another day,
but I'm gone, I've had enough.
Crouching in the shadows of
the pale moonlight.
Nothing left to say,
anymore.
Goodbye...
She rode on a freight train
through my head.
Regretfully
Entertained many men,
in our bed.
Deceptively.
With you,
our love was just a joke.
A lack of courage halts me
from, slitting my own throat.
Such gore.
Goodbye...
Do you think it matters,
if she's here
by chance or fate?
I'll always be
scarred from her.
I'll always be raped
When I'd portray my private moments
she wouldn't listen to me.
Like she never knew me,
forevermore.
She just gazed right through me.
Goodbye...
It appeared my brain was lifeless,
a state of arrested developement.
Can't believe for she'd I'd fall.
Her conscience,
not at all, that tall.
Her evil, it had opened my eyes.
Removed the mask,
revealed the clown inside.
Her fabricated phony, now
transparent disguise
she wore.
Goodbye...
She's been crippled,
sensually and
emotionally foul.
Snickering at my struggles,
Only love can save me now.
I won't let her have the moment,
she's been yearning for.
It's time for her omission.
I'm locking my heart's door.
Stopping the regression,
won't see you anymore.
Now it's time that this ends...
Goodbye
Whore.
Author notes
nothing really, just something that came to late at night a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to finish it, so this is my shot at that...please let me know what ya think b/c I'm not really sure what to do with it. All comments are greatly appreciated.
In a list
I'd just like an honest opinion...thanks
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I may not know much about poetry ,or may not be able to give a constructive comment ,but in my opinion this was a good piece.As far as i could sense your anger and as far as there's feeling in it.I just give it a read cause the title was very captivating.
~Feb~
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Hey Marcus
Like all of your work this felt like it could be a song or lyrics to a song. I'd have to agree with everybody else it does lack some ooommphh to it. But there are alot of very poetic lines in there, very deep thoughts that not only make the reader wonder, but make the reader revaluate. Overall I enjoyed it, could use some lovin' to make it better, but it's not bad thte way it is. But with your talent and your ambition I'm sure it won't stay like this for too long.
Hope to read another. Keep up the good work.
Sherry L.K.
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this seemed mechanical
like going down a checklist. I didn't feel you in this. I could tell you put a lot of thought into the construction, but the feeling just wasn't there. I'm sorry. I'm a sucker for feeling, and when it isn't there I am disappointed. Nicely constructed, but falls flat in the feeling department. I feel nothing in this but an exercise. I hear you talking about bleeding, but the knife and blood were far, far away from this work. This had a very detached feeling to it.
al -
hey Mm
i tend to take poems very literally;to a fault, so i'd imagine if someone was living with a women that messed them up over infidilities, and wrote a poem about it, it'd be a more free flowing rant, this was so tighly constructed, obviously you did a lot of work on it which is good if your using whore in a metaphorical sense.
dave. Rewarded 6
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Hey dave
Yea this one was completely used as a metaphor, I'm not going to say what for b/c it would ruin the fun for me. But It wasn't about a girl at all. I've been fortunate enough in my life not to have any of those feelings towards women . But thank you for your time and your comment. You came really really close to hitting on the head though. Thanks again.
TTYL
MM
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Hi, Marcus. For me, there's lots of heightened pathos in this situation, whether real or imagined, and the speaker's hurt is laid out with dramatic, or I should say theatrical, melodrama. "Late at night" musings sometimes keep me awake for a while too, so I know how pre-poetic thoughts can sometimes pop up and can later be refined into a poem. In this one, I hear the speaker's inner monolog about this woman's "evil", and how he wants her gone.
Just my opinion, but this one doesn't seem to work as well as your others. But you've set a high standard with your work, so that's not so much a criticism as a thought on my part.
My first stumble is that this "whore" doesn't quite come off as a real person, even if she might only be imagined by the poet. She seems like a stock character with no balance in her personality, so lots of dramatic power is absent from the poem.
As I read, I was hoping for some small good quality in her; and I was also looking for something inside the speaker that might make him more real, with some human flaw in him that played a part in this drama. But, that lack of gray between black-and-white, so true of real life, might have been your intention, so let me know if I'm asking for what you deliberately omitted. If you didn't intend that, I think some shadings in both persons in the poem would make it much stronger.
In the 4th stanza, the point of view, which in the whole poem is addressing the woman in the third person "she" and "her", switches to the second person "you". That threw me off a bit. And it's possible that in the seventh stanza you might want "Can't believe for her I'd fall..." - just a thought. And the piece, as is, seems to go on too long without enough personality and dramatic development. Again, just my thought on the matter; disregard at will.
All in all, Marcus, I think there's one fine poem within this one, which I'll be bold enough to call a pre-poem. With some fixing, it could really rev up. My regrets that I couldn't like it more as it is, but you deserve my honest thoughts on it.
Later...
Lad
. Rewarded 8
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Hey Lad
Thank you for your time and your thoughtful comment, I will take a look at everything you said. I usually get very jumpy and anxious when I get a poem close to where I want it and then I just post it anyway to see what people think and then go off of their feedback. It's a bad habit of mine. But I'm getting better at it, You definately pointed out the strong flaws in this poem. I didn't directly intend for there to be any background or middle area in this poem, But now thinking of it, it does make it unrealistic. And there was to be no back story to it as well. just a small clip of a movie. but I don't think that is gonna work in a poem format, maybe in some other kind of art form but just maybe not in this form. so I'll see what I can do to make it more intact. Again thanks for your time and your comment, always good to hear from ya. -
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LoL Sorry
First off for the typing mistakes, LTO asked me to read up on some stuff and copy down some comments that she had written free hand for her and I had forgotten to log out of my name. SO the I think I wrote you a couple of comments/replies under her name, I believe now that I have erased them and replaced them with what you should be reading now...LOL have fun and sorry.
It pleases me so that you percieved me to hold myself to a high standard with my work. I do try, I'm not always confident in what I'm doing, but that's all part of it. Taking risks, letting yourself out there for the whole world to see, waiting for them to Rip you apart or praise you. Or then there's just the always annoying person who doesn't comment at all. Who just reads along and comments on the easy poems, making common simple everyday remarks about how life should be emulated more in poetry. LoL Now I'm rambling on like a fool, just wanted to say thanks again. Glad to know you think I'm improving. I'd also like for you to read another recent poem I wrote called "Lament For Edie" It's about Edie Sedgwick and the whole Andy Warhol/Bob Dylan triangle. But more about her and just life. kept it concise, please whenever ya get the chance, let me know what you think. Would be greatly appreciated.
TTYL
MM
P.S. Yes you're right, this was one was rushed. I had been in such a writing spell that I took this from an older notebook, took some time to re-arrange the form, and then I just quickly posted it to have something new up there. I knew it was a big mistake at the time, but I do tend to do that often with alot of my work just to see how people would help me take my draft and finalize it. I of course don't take everything seriously but it helps. So yes there is emotion and a depth of feeling that is lacking here. You are not the first to say so. So I will definately have to go back in there and bring out some life in it. Thank you very much for your time and your comment, and even more for your honesty and criticism. Means alot. Thanx a bunch.
TTYL Your Friend,
MM
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Is this real???
cause if it is...im sorry
If not well then damn boy you knew how to draw the reader in with this intensly emotional write.
the pain, aguish even hatrid in a way came through so strong.
Each stanza to me, just wowed me had my full attention, strong wording that gave the depth to the painful imagery
To me this is by far one of yours that just has me wanting to read it again and again..
Sometimes I hate sad writes etc but when they are done the right way, well it's a whole nother story ( in the good sense, lol )
This is that by far..
Damn well done poem to me
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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Awwwww
Thank you so much for all of the very kind things that you just said in your comment. I am happy to say that basically all of this is made up. It was just some crazy idea I had in the middle of the night. I'm glad to hear that you kept wanting to read more b/c I was kind of afraid of it being too long already. So that definately makes me happy. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your opinion always means alot to me, so it's definately good to hear that you liked it. Thank you again for your time and all of the help and comments you have provided so far. I always try to take something from each of them and put it into my future works. Always a pleasure hearing from you, hope to talk again soon.
TTYL Your Friend,
MM
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