The journey of thoughts that froth in the mind
That pour through the pen only to find
Words feel so inept to convey what I meant
The essence of thoughts left sinking behind
The journey of emotions with their unquenched thirst
That pour with the colors in a gory burst
But the drawls I drew, incomplete and untrue
To depict the pain of the entrenched hurt
The journey of defeat that spreads its roots
That pours through the violins, pianos and flutes
But the music I played, floundered and failed
To give me the strength to cope with the truth
The journey of feelings that flow from the heart
My fears and failings they fail to depart
The expanding void, I can't fight or avoid
They gnaw and they gouge till they tear me apart
Surviving the times with pain so rife
I walk the path smeared with strife
Moving ahead, despite the blood that I shed
As I go along on my journey of life
Author notes
Just a poetic workout to get out of the proverbial writer's block.
Comments
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hey himanshumodi
this was very dynamic and moving. almost sympthonic. you hit all the high notes as well as the low just right here. loved it.
dave -
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Glad to know you spotted the musical quality of the rhyming structure!
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i dont know what libralight is talking about
i didnt notice any 'extra words' used 'for the sake of meter and rhyme'. it flowed well. the ideas in the poem are very unique, i enjoyed the read. good one - it definately didnt seem like you had writers block! -
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Well, everyone's entitled to opinions. Some people do not like longish rhyming lines, which is ok. Am glad you liked the poem
Thanks!
HM
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Hi: Whoa! I thought this forum was to critique poems. And that is what I did. I obviously offended you and I had no intention of doing that. I'll be sure to stay out of your way in the future.
Sorry,
L -
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Offended?? Really, really no! I take poetry only so seriously. Your critiquing was not at all offensive. And I wouldn't have been offended even if you had down right bull shitted my poem. And really, your words were neither critical, nor rude!
No reason to take any offense, and none taken
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Overpowering perhaps?
I think you may have used a few extra words for the sake of meter and rhyme.
Sometimes you just can't get them both. Still, it's very powerful.
L -
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Well... the meter is fairly consistent though isnt it? And the poem was meant to be melodramatic.
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WOW!!!!!
If this is just an exercise, I can't wait to see your polished, proofread poems! Dude, you should publish this. It is so good, I don't know where to begin! This is an all-out rave. Excellent work! Amazing! Spectacular! I envy your talent!
Promise me you will publish this? The world deserves to see it, and you have a great future ahead of you.
. Rewarded 6
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Umm... you are too kind ladyjanew (I don't know what to refer to you as
)
Well, you can see all my other poems at http://poetryunsung.blogspot.com
And nice to see someone who supports us rhymers cause.
Go Lady!
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I'd say you got out of the writer's block in style! I very much enjoyed the way it flowed along.
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Am glad to know you felt the poem flowed... It was a journey in itself for me!
Thanks!
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The rhyming in this gave it a great rhythmic flow
I liek what your talking about.
To me the best way to get away/out from writers block is to write...write anything and that flow will start again
This isnt just anything , if this came out of writers blockish feelings then to me thats just WOW...definetly a poetic workout here but one that draws the reader in and says a lot
Well done
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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yeah... it was my step out of my writers block. Glad to know you liked it.
Thanks!
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Intriguing read for me...
This was interesting for me because the poem was so reflective and thoughtful and yet the rhythm felt playful to me. I think it is the side effect of reading so many "kids" poems in the elementary school. Almost anything that has a certain beat or rhyme scheme starts to fall into that mold. The neat thing is it still worked for me, that contrast. It was like a song of the heart, a duet with the mind singing back-up. I enjoyed reading it quite a bit. Thanks!. Rewarded 8
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Argh... I tried my best to not make this poem a primary school song. Seems I fell short. Well, can't do much about it. We rhymers tend to be fall into the mold you talk about a bit too often. But good to know that it still worked for you.
Thanks for the truthful comments.
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Ah, the melodramatic self-pity of the sensitive poet who just can't seem to find and write the exactly right words to convey his sorrowful journey through life's defeats. This poem, for me, HM, is one of your most melancholic, and also one of your most theatrical - that is to say, melodramatic. I can hear those "violins, pianos and flutes" as a musical underscore. And when I say all of the above, I'm saying I like the outright plaintiveness of the poem, its openly bleeding heart, unable to "pour" itself out from "the pen."
For me, some of the lines are a bit awkwardly phrased just to get the rhyme, but that's no matter really: the whole poem works in a formal way about deep feelings, sort of as British-Victorian poetry does so well. I wondered at the capitalizations of Floundered and Failed - why? - but perhaps you intended the caps in order to make those verbs stand out, almost as proper nouns. If so, it works for me.
Highly dramatic poems about the poet's "can't write" pains usually don't work for me, but this one does because of its simple, yet deep, honesty. Nice work, and good to have you back writing among us again.
Later...
Lad. Rewarded 8
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Theatrical. Yes. Well described. British Victorian... I can take that comparison only as a complement.
And its not just a poets agony of not being able to express that I am talking about here. It is a poet, a painter, a musician. Added a stanza to generalize it a bit. ANd then the concluding the para. THats the flow I chose.
And about the capitalizations. I had actually intended to capitalize incomplete and untrue as well, with the sentiment that you mentioned. But somehow the one I pasted here was without the CAPS. ANyways... I have removed them because, one it is inconsistent with the rest of the paras, and other, it gets a bit too deep and abstruse for a reader.
Some awkward lines... I do agree. One that was a bit too awkward for me was "I trudge along the path smeared with strife" I have changed that.
But I do get what you are trying to say. Inversions for the sake of rhyme are quite out of style. And if a poet does that he comes perilously close to making a poetry sing-song. I hope I have not breached that threshold here. My guts say that I have not.
The only line I am not entirely happy about is the line "To give me the strength to cope with the truth" I have this nagging feeling to explain what the truth is. But doing that would be to digress from the flow and the theme of the poem being about melancholy. I hope, as a reader, it is ok to just assume that the facts in the artists life are killing him from within.
And yeah... feels good to write again
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What you say in your response, HM, makes good sense; and I like your self-confidence about going with your guts. If we'd swing and sway to every comment we get on our work, we'd end up with mishmash, so your staying with certain lines and style is admirable. Yet, the small revisions you already made in this poem work well, make it even more theatrical in the best poetic sense.
I'm in a non-writing period now myself, but it's ok, as I think that from time to time it's a good thing to back up and let things lay, so to say. But you, you're an incorrigibly persistent writer, now writing short fiction; it's in your blood, no doubt, to write. Bravo to you for that.
Later...
Lad
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Hey HM
I liked this piece alot. I found the format very simple in appearance but pretty complex once broken down. Everything flowed very well. Nothing was repetetive, the rhyming was great, a very very good job on that. Whenever I see rhyming done the right way I have to stand up and applaud, So cheers mate. I also have to mention the strong language that you had used, perfect. there weren't ridiculously huge words in there trying to confuse the reader into thinking your poetic or really smart. You wrote down what makes sense and what fits properly in the puzzle we'll call a poem. I liked the ending alot as well. You are right, no matter the circumstances, we must go on. Long live Freddie Mercury!!! LoL (In case ya don't know he was the lead singer of Queen)
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you MM, for the generous praise for the rhymes. There are so many free verse writers. And a lot of them are dead against rhymers like me. Rhyming is a thin line to tread. THere are a bunch of poems which I finish with rhymes and when I read them after some time, I feel that i have made it sing-song, which kills the tone of a poem. I am glad that you feel that I got it right here. My last para was an addition to the poem which I had previously ended at the second last para. It feels gratifying to know that you feel that it fits the puzzle well.
And I have not heard much of Queen. But I gather that they were a bunch of optimistic singers as well.
Thanks Again
HM -
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Just commenting on your observation that there seems to be a lot of poets against rhyming. Why is that? I'm fairly new to poetry, and I can't understand the predjudice. Free verse imagry and emotions are great, but what the heck is wrong with rhymes? Please clairifiy?
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Hi Ladyjanew
A long time ago I decided that the reason people refuse to rhyme in their poetry is they can't write it. Of course, there is a fine line between just rhyming and making it fun to read.
Nobody ever remembers famous lines that don't rhyme though, do they?
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