The girls dance naked
Nightly
They have become background
Unnoticeable
As the wallpaper
Sticky chairs
gum beneath seats.
Sticky floors
pull at your feet.
"As Wichita falls,
so falls Wichita Falls".
Unclever graffiti
vandalized bathroom stalls.
Lustful men waving president paper,
monkeys with a treat.
Disgracing our forefathers
for fleshy pieces of meat.
As scarlet charlatans
whisper Hollywood fantasies.
An unholy performance
licked into my ear.
I couldn't help but laugh,
they're insincere.
I'm feeling out of place
in my own sty.
Keep drowning,
still thinking
that I am dry.
I know it's wrong for me here.
So after tonight
I'm letting go.
I'm off to find
my new frontier.
Where days and night
are not a show.
Author notes
was inspired by a snippet of a movie I was watching, nothing to do with the plot. I appreciate everybody's help and constructive criticism I've gained throughout the journey of this poem, and not to mention the praise that gave me enough confidence to keep it up there and not take it down completely. Much appreciated. Honesty means most.
In a list
I'd just like an honest opinion...thanks
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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At first I thought this poem was about bored teddy bears, but I read wrong.
I must still be out of it. Anyway, this was great. I loved the imagery the metaphors set. Yes, I'm obsessed with metaphors
but who isn't?
I love the idea behind this though (yes, I do repeat too much)
and how it's clearly but powerfully stated in the last stanza.
Great work.
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haha, I love it. You're a talent and insightful. Can't fault the poem at all. I've oftened wondered at unclever graffiti. It has to be a good poem when you can't pick a favorite line. Perhaps it can retain title as favorite poem. But this is the first of yours I came across.. eek! I love this type of comedic insight, but its kinda gritty at the same time. It pulls you down more than up. And that's how I like it. It's the type of poem Hunter S Thompson would write, if he wrote poetry. He's the author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If I were to stab a guess at the movie snippet this was based upon. Nicely done!
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lol oh yes!!
ahhh you just found the key to my heart LoL. I'm very pleased to hear that this is something you think Mr. Hunter S. Thompson would write something like this if he were a poet instead of the maddening anxious journalist that he had become, or that was portrayed by Johnny Depp so amazingly. LoL Thank you very much for that comparison...I'm very flattered. I'm glad to hear that you're gonna stay away from the hard drugs. I've only done cocaine, that's the hardest drug I've gone to and it's the biggest waste of time, money, brain cells, your nose!! LoL it does a lot of damage to your nose, and you never really know what's inside of it b/c everybody chops it up and is allowed to sells more of it at a higher price to rip people off with cheaper product, that's another reason why you can't trust anything that isn't organic, b/c ya never know what's in there or what's it's made with. But I'm glad to hear that you already know that. And yea I like to write after I burn one down as well. I'm glad that you could see the humor in the poem but the seriousness of it as well. And the duel between lightness and darkness. A very in depth analyzable comment, I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave a comment on this poem of mine that means so much to me!! Thanks again for everything. Hope to continue to hear from you and hope we can teach one another some things about life and art.
TTYSoon
Mawkiss Moe
MM
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I love it!
Subject aside I love your bitter sweet metaphors! "Lustful men waving president paper,
monkeys with a treat.
Disgracing our forefathers
for fleshy pieces of meat."
lol Brilliant!
Great poem!
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Hey EnoQ
Thanks for stopping by to read and even more thanks to you for taking the time to leave a comment behind, which as you know means sooo much to us writers. I am glad that you found the metaphors to be pleasing and working with the poem instead of against my writing. Thank you for your kind words and the time it took to let me know what you thought of this poem. It's always nice to hear new thoughts from somebody that has raw talent such as you. I hope for us to continue this relationship and that we can keep one another grounded and not caught up in all the praise-givers and be honest with one another for the betterment of our art/writing. Cause that's what I wanna do, i wanna grow as both artist and person and i can tell you want the same thing. Which is nice to see young talent like you and the others that have come to the site recently, you've all brought a new wave of excitement. And so far in my opinion you are one of the leading poets in this wave/surge of creativity. Well alritey my man, I'm gonna get going cause this is becoming the same as the last one LoL, long and probably very repetitive. Thanks for the read and kind words. I appreciate everything, I hope you won't hold back and are willing to let me know when you see something that needs fixing. Please point it out and maybe some suggestions if you have any. that's always appreciated. Thanks again
TTYSoon
MM
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I found it really interesting to read and enjoyed it. If you got this from a snippet of you were watching it must of have been thought provoking. The only criticism I have (not the quality as that is good) it is the unbalance of the verses, some four lines, another five etc. But apart from that as I have said it is good and worth reading.
. Rewarded 6
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The first stanza just about nails the whole titty-bar experience. The rest is pretty good too, though the last stanza might be a unnecessary
. Rewarded 4
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I like this better than the one about the brothel
I'm new to this so bear with me. I know nothing of stanzas and the like. I think it has good content. There's no doubt that the more of something you see the less meaning it sometimes has. I used to hang out with some friends that always wanted to go to strip clubs. I was usually bored by a alluring woman trying to secuce me for my money and inturpting my game of pool. It can quickly become nothing more than mundane. I think I used that word correctly. I personally felt the story end. He's had enough and is going to find a place more suited to him. Is that better? No offense intended, none taken.. Rewarded 8
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lol Marcus
Hey man, I'd like to start off by saying that you did a very good job of mixing good poetry and good writing, into some pretty subtle, or laid back realistic humor to it. I think you described a really realistic scene of a strip club here with the grunge and outragesnous of all old men or even sometimes women. You should have made fun of the really old stripper that every dirty strip club like the one you described in here has. Would have given the poem more comedy in it.
TTYL
MM
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What makes this poem work is the tightness of description that transports you to a place. It tells a lot in few words. You could have gone on and on, but your choice of images to concentrate on gave this poem its strong structure and delivery. There was an obvious attention to details, to things that would tell you one has gotten tired of this place..'unnoticeable (naked women), unclever graffiti, monkeys with a treat..." I've read some of your poems and this one i believe is your best. The control in the writing is worth praising. I read this and in my head this came alive as a scene in a movie. A man standing outside his old life, getting ready for a journey, and all those images you have flashing one after another like picture being taken with an old camera. I can even imagine the background music. Very good poem Marcus. Enjoyed reading this.
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this brings to mind a man tired of his repetitive surroundings.
depression and despair. lonely, in a room full of people, people he frowns upon now, a lifestyle unwanted. the depravity of the bar, of people, of life, interesting.
i like this, i can relate in a sense.
. Rewarded 6
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Hey BK
thanks again for the comment, and yes it's basically about somebody sick and tired of their surroundings and they're going to start a new life tonight, basically. I was inspired by a snippet of a movie to write about a strip club, but once I thought about my experience at a strip club it only brought bad memories to mind. So this is basically what came out of it. Glad you could stop by and read, even happier that you could comment on the poem. Always means alot when somebody takes the time to leave their name and say a few things about the poem above them. Much appreciated.
TTYL
MM
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No, I didn't call you Jenny, that's me, I must have jumped the keyboard, and I don't work for anyone now, except my two year old daughter who keeps me busy.
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LoL
Awesome stuff! I was just kidding about the who do you work for question. Well nice to meet you Jenny, and thanks again for taking the time to read the poem.
TTYL
MM
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great
I liked the imagery of stanzas 2,4 and 6. It really described the grim, sad reality of the bar. JennyI am new to poetry, but have grad dip in professional writing, and I could visualise the scene from your poem, so well done.
. Rewarded 4
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well thank
you very much, I really appreciate you stopping by to read. I love it even more that you would take the time to leave a comment. Always means alot, even if they're mean haha. SOoooOOO...did you call me Jenny1 ?? LoL if so why? what does it mean? who are you working for?? who put you up to this???? ha JK again. Except for the first two questions, those I was serious about...?? If you're new to the site WELCOME. I know once you find your way around the site you'll see that there is a very wide range of poets here. A lot of good ones. With the comment thing is you leave one for somebody and then 9 times out of 10 they will read some of your work and leave comments as well. Just good honest thoughts, can be evil if you want to be LoL. But I've found being honest and giving any helpful advice you can think of is very much appreciated, or just giving insights on experiences you've had in your life to one another related to whatever is being read or talked about. Hope to hear from you again soon.
TTYL
MM
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refreshing...charming...neat
hallo, marcus...i have been meaning to read this piece for several days now, because its title really caught my eye...but, as my eyes are usually dropping by the time i get to sharepoetry (long day writing content for websites) my interest got sidetracked by the need to work on my poems (because im only a free member who gets perks from time to time allowing me to put in more poems and my reward is only good for one week) and by my absolute need to sleep...
finally, here i am, and what a wonderful experience reading this was! i like the words that you used here...led me to great imaginings of the picture that you wanted to portray...i like how you ended the poem, it gave a great sense of completeness to everything...
i don't know what this poem was like before you did some revisions on it...but, this one is really worth the time you spent on it...
kudos to you, marcus!
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Hallo LeighH
And thank you so very much for keeping your eyes pried open long enough to read and then on top of that leave such a lovely comment. Thank you very much for your kind words. I am glad you enjoyed it and glad the imagery worked well for you. It was in pretty rough shape when I first posted it, but with some(ALOT) help from everybody around the website it has become a much better piece. Which goes to show always leaving an honest, open and constructive critique is much better than just putting the person down. Lots of good people here! Hope to hear from ya soon, and I'll be continuing to read on into your poems.
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Finishing touches are worth working at...
Hey Marcus, I just looked in on this again and I have to say you've really progressed it. That tweak on the last stanza is just what it needed and you've got a real poem on your hands now. Congratulations. >W<
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Much Appreciated
Hey Windhover, I truly appreciate you taking the time to take another look at this draft/attempt at a poem. Glad to hear that you found it complete now. And yes I feel that poems can always be in a state of revision as the poet/person continues to grow as a poet/person. But for this one I am comfortable with where it is at this point in my life and I'm glad to see that you agree there is a balance now within the poem. Thank you for your encouragement and checking up on it to see what/if any, changes were made, means alot to me as a young aspiring writer trying to find who I am and where I would fit into this whole universe of writers and writing. Thanks again. Always a pleasure and hope to hear from you soon.
TTYL
MM
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Woww I just joined recently but this poem must be one of my favorites as of now =)
I love it.
and I love the last line. I think sometimes the last line can make or break a poem. Yours certainly helped end things off with impact.Good job.. Rewarded 4
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I really like this MM
I think it had the completed feel in parts and in others didn't so would probably agree it could use some more editing/tweaking
...but not much
I like your rhyming, felt smooth and appropriate
Mostly I liked what you were talking about
I kinda feel like maybe it's more of the thoughts on it, then the words coming from the true experience...
Have you been to a strip club???
If not...well I would say go lol..I have been once just for the experience, didn't enjoy half as much as others but still it's ticked off the list hahahahahaha
Overall I really did enjoy your words here MM and look forward an improvement if it comes
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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Very poignant. I like the flow of words and the simplicity of language belies a depth that is well hidden beneath the base title also. I loved the end and the use of rhyme. I think that you were very able in your description of this world that you are inhabiting. And the kind of self rightous view of the monkeys with treats and women seeking the presidents paper. Very strong writing.
. Rewarded 4
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Hi, Marcus, and kudos for a finely detailed poem, and one that has a strong point of view in it as well. Some poems just describe a scene, but yours has a personal touch to it, in the last half, that tells a reader like me what the poet actually thinks and feels about what he's witnessing. In other words, the poem and the poem become one, not easy to do, but you did it here.
All the details work, from the chairs to the floor to the graffiti in the john to the "monkey" customers waving cash with president's pictures on them. And I think the rhymes work, especially after you've revised things a bit, toning them down in order to let the poem seem more natural rather than poetically forced. I find myself, too, in early drafts, putting rhymes in that don't fit the feel or thought of a poem. Later, as you did, I tone rhymes down so that they don't tend to cover up or distract from what I really want to say in the poem. It's all part of the joyous difficulty of revising, and I think you're on to that playful task really well.
There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, about a poem that has a rough and perceived unfinished feel to it; sometimes a feel of raggedness is more in keeping with a certain poem's overall tone. And a titty-bar does have such a random tone to it. So, just my thought, don't be too concerned about polishing this one too much; it might lose its immediacy.
I do, though, think that a couple lines could be tighter and provide a more impessionistic feel to the scene - again, just my opinion. In the second stanza, losing "with" and "that" might give the poem a more quick-glance feel. And removing "like" from the fourth stanza would, nicely, turn a basic and somewhat amatuerish simile into a rich metaphor - always good to see in a poem.
All in all, I know this scene well, although from a different orientation, and you've painted it sharp and true. Good poem.
Later...
Lad
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Hi MM
Well this was definately a pretty good portrayal of a strip club. I definately like what is there so far. But like you and others have said it feels unfinished. I'm glad that you noted that in your author notes. I can't wait to see what the finished product is going to look like if this is just the draft. Very well written so far. Congrats kid! Best wishes.
Sherry L.K.
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Also...
Apologies to add another comment but I've just re-read your Author's note and two things come to mind:
Firstly, that this is an example of Ekphrasia (a piece of art directly in response to another piece of art: a movie) - perhaps, and this is often a big perhaps, there is some meaning/value to be added to the poem by mentioning the movie (or whatever piece of art you have been inspired by, for instance as an epigraph) - sometimes it gives the reader a further textual clue, another way into the poem. I'm not sure it is necessary here because you paint such a vivid picture anyway, but none-the-less something to bear in mind.
Secondly, if you don't mind me sounding a little bit hippyish, I don't think you can ever be wrong about stating that a poem is unfinished/like a draft. Certainly the guy who teaches me at Uni think so:
"Writing a poem is a process, not a single action. Between the first inkling of a phrase or idea and the published work, there will be a succession of drafts ... It could even be said that the act of revision is where the life of a writer is at its richest." (W.N.Herbert)
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Hey Liam
I believe I answered the movie question in the other comment, but as for the draft part of the comment. I completely agree. Even years after a poem is finished you might have more life wisdom and knowledge of the world and feel that something might fit better here or there. People evolve so why shouldn't their poetry? I've revised poems I wrote three years ago and posted them on here and they've gotten pretty good reviews and comments. So I guess Im walking proof that what your teacher/mentor or whatever he is to you, said. B/c it's already been applied in my life and I had never had any formal teaching in writing or poetry. I didn't even finish high school. LoL. So I appreciate everything you have shown me. Thanks again. And I hope to keep in contact with you. When I have some extra free time I will be checking into some of your work, and hopefully you'll be doing the same. Thanks a bunch.
TTYL
MM
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hey marcus
great topic and good attention to detail the gum under seat and the bathroom graffeti, also good word choice to make this sing but where the rhymes were good and feel they where unnecessary and could have got you off message.
i think you should do some research go to a strip club and get really wasted then write about it.
dave. Rewarded 6
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hey dave
LoL thanks for the comment. Always appreciated. And even more I appreciate the constructive criticism that you have given. That's what I'm looking for 80% of the time I come on here. So it's good to see that there were comments full of suggestions and good advice. Always nice. About going to the titty bar, I've been there once on my 18th birthday and that was plenty enough for me LoL. No offense to anybody who enjoys them. but it just wasn't my thing. Giving naked girls money to dance around on stage or grind their "Goody-No-No's" in your dick and face. Kind of humurous. That's what made me want to give the poem a hint of sarcasm. But being a novice writer, I'm going to be honest, it never occured to me. I was alot more worried about it making sense at that point. It was stupid of me to worry about what others will think of the unfinished version instead of just posting it and then coming back later to fix it. Or maybe I should just buy a notebook so I don't have to type my poetry! eh?? wouldnt that be smart. Anyways now I'm rambling so Ill be goin now. Thanks again alot Dave.
TTYL
MM
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Hey marcus,
Whether or not you should keep working on this or not is beyond my level of wisdom here. I like it. Do I think it might get even better if you kept chipping away at the stone? Yes, I am sure it could. Does anything stick out to me as needing correction or editing? No. I like it as is, but I also think it is quite possible I could like it even more. What I enjoy most is the picture you paint. Very vivid language for me here, from the gum on the stools, to the sticky floor, to the "president paper". In my view, you did a really nice job painting a picture here. I also really like the use of "frontier" as the last word. It really portrays that sense of the drifter, the lonely wanderer. A very different frontier than those in the history books, but certainly a frontier for sure.
Thanks for this enjoyable read and such a clear picture of this poem in action...
. Rewarded 8
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Hey Mark
I appreciate your time to come and read this poem. even more to comment of course. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem as a whole and found the picture painted to be easily recognizable or that you could at least see it. That of course means alot to imagery side of my poetry. As you say you wouldn't really know what to change, I have learned just recently what could use some work and will be changing some stuff. even adding some. But as for the frontier part, I'm very glad that you enjoyed that. I will be keeping that as the ending, just getting rid of some of the unnecessary rhymes. once again, everything you said and the time it took you to analyze the poem, type out your feelings and criticism means alot to me. Thanks Mark.
TTYL
MM
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Hi Marcus. I reckon I owe you a critique and I found this in ‘features' so here goes. I should ask you to forgive my forwardness in critique since we don’t know each other at all really, and I do.
I had mixed feelings about this. This is how they went.
'The girls that are dancing naked nightly
have now just become as background and
unnoticable as the wallpaper.'
The first two lines are too long and unwieldy but the third line is a keynote to the poem. I’d trim it down thus
The girls dance naked
Nightly
They have become background
Unnoticeable
As the wallpaper
'Sticky chairs
with gum underneath the seats.
Sticky floors
that will pull you from your feet.'
The fourth line seems to struggle to maintain some sort of meter to match the second line, but at the expense of meaning (sticky floors don’t pull you off your feet). So maybe
Sticky chairs
gum beneath seats.
Sticky floors
Pull at your feet
"As Wichita falls, so falls Wichita Falls".
Unclever graffiti
vandalized bathroom stalls.
Liked this stanza. It’s immediate and gritty as the poem promises to be and the rhyme works just right, not forced at all.
Lustful men waving president paper,
like monkeys getting a treat
for a trick complete.
‘for a trick complete’ reads like a forced rhyme when you should be working on the feeling of obvious embarrassment you have for your fellow man. So maybe
Lustful men waving president paper,
like monkeys getting a treat
we disgrace our forebears
I'm feeling out of place
in my own sty.
Keep drowning,
still thinking
that I am dry.
Liked this one. The idea of drowning dry is very poetic
I know it's wrong for me here.
So after tonight
I'll pack my gear N'
just disappear to
my new frontier.
The final thought yet again feels like a rhyme for rhyme’s sake. Surely you need to make a point about the boredom of the dancers as well as the barman. Compare his chat with the customers to the sincerity of the dancers’ come-ons or something. Ask one of the girls to put her clothes on so you could get to know her, something like that? Poetry should be much more about thought than rhyme.
You said it was a draft and that’s how I’d see this too, but a draft with potential I’d say.
My best to you. >W<
. Rewarded 8
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Hey WH
Thanks for taking the time to critique this draft of a poem. If you are wondering why I would post a draft it is simply b/c I was not near a notebook and felt the need to start typing. I was at a friends house and didn't want to email it to myself. So this was the next step since it was already typed out in the "Add Poem" section. I appreciate your thorough evaluation of the poem. And I appreciate all of your advice. I'm sure if you take a gander you will see I have made the necessary changes that will help make the poem more fluid and real. I am still unsure what to do with the ending. Soooooo until I am done It will always be considered a draft to me. Thank you for your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I can actually think about what you said and learn from it. I don't mind getting just the praise most of the time. But it truly means alot when people are willing to take their time and try and help you out. Thanks alot for that. I'm really trying to learn this whole poetry thing and I know it's goin to take time. I just have to keep writing and keep listening and evaluating what's being put down. Thanks again.
TTYL
MM
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Marcus, I like the mood you manage to conjure immediately in the first stanza with the alliteration of harsh 'n' and 'b' sounds - you develop a scathing tone which carries through nicely to the climactic statement: 'I know it's wrong for me here'. You could even develop it more by cutting the superfluous words (such as 'unnoticeable' - it is implied by 'background', I feel) and making the whole thing more brief:
The girls that dance here naked nightly
have now become as background
as the wallpaper.
In places I feel you could rely on this sarcastic/scathing tone a little more to carry your message for you: The phrase 'unclever graffiti' feels a little forced and it would perhaps be better to rely on the poems scathing/sarcastic tone and say 'clever graffiti' - let the reader work out that you dont mean it - give him/her more work to do, they will enjoy it more!
I really like what is going on in the poem - but my opinion is: Make it more succinct - especially when the ending is so understated!
Hope this is helpful and constructive
Liam. Rewarded 8
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Hey Liam
I'm glad to see that you still recognized this as a draft. B/c that's all it was. I was in the middle of writing it down on paper napkins at the bar thinking about a movie, the movie doesnt matter b/c they're only in the strip club for a couple of seconds. But that's where I got the idea. As for the endind I didn't even want to put it there, but me being such a novice thought that it would be better for reading as a dfraft that way. Or else just ending with the second from last stanza wouldnt have worked either. SOOOO? LoL. But I appreciate EVERYTHING that you have commented on and told me about the poem that could use some more detail. Thank you again for your time and your comment, but the time that you took to read, analyze, and then give suggestions means the most to me. Thanks again.
TTYL
MM
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