Find an image so strong
as to burn a flag.
Or a woman high strung
'cause she's on the rag.
"Oooops, sorry"
What the fuck
A coincidence that
you can't ignore.
I'll be the father,
you be the whore.
Intoxication breeds
bad luck.
We'll create a child
with a custody war,
sometimes it depends.
You never know
for sure.
But look at you, ew.
Fly high
through the atmosphere
while on the floor.
Trying to reach nirvana
but I'm still on shore.
Alone with you
This couldn't be irony,
It has to be lies.
Love just isn't clear
With pain in your eyes.
What did I do to
deserve this from you?
Author notes
I only ask you tell me, what you think please, if this is a poem, or just another tease? If you happen to like it, leave a comment behind, and even if you don't, then please speak your mind...Thanx MawKiss Moe
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Abrasive
I like it. Good stuff. Tells a long story in a short lyrical way. Good job man.
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hey there enoq
it's nice to hear from you...I've heard only good things about you from one of my better friends from online, Marcus Moore. I can barely make it onto this site, but when I first joined Marcus welcomed me with open arms and helped me along the way with some of my writings which were very amateur at the time, most still are which is why they aren't even on here. they're still in my notebook as drafts and unfinished. I'm glad that you found it to be lyrical, as I also share Marcus' passion for song lyrics. I hope I can get some more poetry on here soon and that you will find one or some of those at least close to par, like this one. i thought that this one was pretty good after I had bandaged it up. Thank you for coming on by and taking a gander at my one poem hehe, well thanks man for stopping by to read, i know how many people wont leave comments and I hate that more than NE-thing. especially when you leave a comment for them, or if you've left more than one and they can't even return that favor, some people are just in it for themselves tho, what can ya do rite?
well nice meeting you and my man Marcus was rite, you're a cool cat man and ya got some talent!! Keep up the good work bro. I hope you'll continue to read some of my stuff If I can get anything posted soon. Thanks bro.
Jay Dude {elephant's ass hair} lol so you can call me Jay Ass Hair
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I like it... it reminds me of a sort of flow of consciousness.
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I liked it but it in places didn't flow well.then in others did..over all I like whats said, the story
Interesting but could use a bit of work in my opinion
Cindy
. Rewarded 4
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hey jb
for clarification the first 3 stanzas rock and the last 3 are bad. i believe its because you couldn't sustain the rhyme and had to really strech or reach. i think this is because you tried to write this as a lyric. i have a karoke machine and its funny even great songs the lyrics are pretty light and airy just nice little pleasant internal rhymes and other devices. i think you have to make up your mind song lyrics or poetry. thats not to say your not talented.
dave -
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hey dave
thanks for clarifying that up for me. Yes you are correct. Alot of this was rushed to get on here just so I could get some feedback on some of my writing. So thank you very much for everything. All is greatly appreciated. peace out. and thanks for the compliments and criticism.
peace out
JayB
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Some very strong and disgusted images in this one, Jason, and, for that reason, I like it. The poem zeroes in on a badluck night at a bar really well with its details about "her" and what she wants from the poet. And he sees things pretty clearly: "But look at you, ew." That line just about sums up the encounter; no wonder she made the poet "spew."
All of it works for me, but I'm thinking that the fourth stanza might be left out; it doesn't really add anything to the scene and takes away some of the poem's punch. But that's only my opinion, so feel free to disregard it if you wish. All in all, I like the straight-out revolted feeling in the poet's mind as he looks on her and her offer, thinks it over, and decides that she's flying too high for a guy still "on the shore." Nice work.
Later...
Lad. Rewarded 8
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hey JB
as far as poem goes this started super strong by the second to third stanza i caught on why it was titled breeding back luck, then after the line with a custody war, which is a great line the rhyme driven song lyric aspect kicked in a line like, they have to be lies like eggs and ham in a strawberry pie really killed it but thats ok it was almost dead at that point anyway.
this could have been fantastic
dave. Rewarded 8
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hey dave
I understand what you're saying for most of the part. Does that mean that you liked the poem up until the eggs and ham in a strawberry pie line? Or did you start disliking the poem from the second to third stanza. And were you being sarcastic with the custody war line? LoL it's just too hard to judge people's comments and reactions to things on the internet b/c you cannot see expression, hear it, feel it. etc. etc. So if you wouldn't mind for the betterment of my writing replying back and letting me know a little more clearly on how you feel about this poem and what could be changed to make it as "fantastic" as it could have been. I appreciate your utter honesty and look forward to more construction from everybody here. thanks.
TTYL
MM
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hey there jason
sounds more like a night out with the beer goggles on and then waking up in the morning, and this sounds like your anger. Or maybe you took the girl home and she had her period and that wasn't what you were looking for. Either way a very harsh look into reality of some assholes that are known as men LoL JK. Well not really cause most of them are. But overall I liked what you did with the form. The rhymes aren't bad and have good rhythm. Other than that I don't really know what to say except that some of it in the beginning just seems like it's there to fill in space. Not exactly pointless but just weaker. Maybe something to consider, but since this is your first post I found it rather good. I'm very scared and picky about my posting too. So I take a long time to ponder before I post as well as you do, at least from what I remember you saying in the past. Keep writing jason, it will come easier with time. The more you read poetry and practice writing it the easier it will come and you will find yourself with better writes. It's a sure thing, as long as your heart is in it. So keep it up kiddo. Best wishes.
Sherry L.K.
. Rewarded 8
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