once more, i've reclaimed
that wonderful, heady feeling
when you're near.
once more, i quiver
when you touch me, with just
your fingertips.
once more, i tremble
when you leave me with,
butterfly kisses searing my soul.
once more, i'm filled
with this immense bliss,
of finding myself wanting more.
yet, once more,i find
myself plummeting hard
into the unforgiving ground.
as once more, you left
me broken and bleeding,
like you did before.
once more, you went
away with nary a thought
and hardly a sound.
once more, you wrecked
my tender feelings, like
you never cared at all.
this is the first time that i tried to edit this poem...it's still a work in progress...help! am i headed in the right direction?
Comments
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hey leigh
I wouldn't change really anything except for the comma's, you have some extras in there that interrupt the flow and that are just unnecessary, starting with the end of the first paragraph. Right after bliss you should remove the comma.
then the second paragraph i would put like this if it were my own.
"yet once more, I find
myself plummeting hard
into the unforgiving ground.
as you once more left
me broken and bleeding
just like before.
once more, you went
away with nary a thought
and hardly a sound.
once more, you have
ravaged and wrecked
my tender feelings.
Once more,
you never cared at all."
To stick to this format I would also add a break in the first paragraph after fingertips, making it so the poem has four stanzas, and then the final line at the end which would hit like a homerun off of Barry Bonds' corked bat when he's juiced out of his mind. I think you can easily turn a good poem into a great one here. But of course the choice is up to you my darling poetess LoL Glad to see your back to writing and spending time at the Sharepoetry Picnic, which is the title of a poem by LadyDwarf. A very good one too I might add. Thanks for sharing and hope you find the advice you are looking for.
TTYL
MM
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This started out so wonderful...
and ended so sad. It hurts me to think of you going through this. This poem has what seems to me to be good form. I think you could lose most of the commas though.
I would suggest you move some things around a little bit.
I'd drop {just} from the fifth line down to the sixth line (I think). Try splitting line nine after {kisses}. That way lines eight and nine each have five beats and line ten has four. Then I would drop {wanting more} down to it's own line. Ok, now for the second stanza (which {breaks my heart). On the second line if you replace {myself} with {I'm} you'll lose a beat and keep the rhythm better. On the third if you switch {into} to just {to} you'll lose a beat and it would help the flow. You'll still have more beats but I don't know what else to suggest. On the fourth line I suggest you lose {as} and bring {me} back up from below. That gives both of those lines five beats. Next line has five also. I'd bring {away} back up from the eigth line to the seventh. That gives the seventh line six beats and the eigth line five beats. I think it will read better that way. The ninth line has five also. If you bring {my} back up from line eleven to line ten. That way they both have five beats and you end with a line six beats. That's all I would suggest on the poem. But I would suggest staying away from any situation that involves line five of the second stanza. Wish I could help more.
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yes, you're going in the right direction. it's sounding good. i like how you repeat the words "once more," saying them, well, once more. It's just fitting. The shift from the first half is abrupt in the good kind of way. It just gets you moving from one to the other...and it makes it seem like you as the writer were surprised it happened or something of the sort. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway...
Good Job!
-Adie -
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hi, adie...
yes, i know what you mean...and that's what i felt exactly...i was very much surprised that things happened the way they did...and although it was very painful, i was glad that it happened, because i saw the person i loved before for what he really is...i'm still in the process of trying to forgive and forget that person, by the way...
thank you for reading and commenting. i dearly appreciate your thoughts on my pieces.
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yew i believe that you are.............i like the repeating i use it often myself..its not always easy to do as I well know........the only suggestion I would make and once again it is a tiny one.......is "butterfly kisses" might be seen as just a bit cliche........might try something like "brush-like" or "passion-dipt" or something like that.....but just a tiny thought. very nice job i am enjoying reading your work..........LD
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hi, LD...
thank you very much for commenting on my poem and for giving out some suggestions...i do appreciate it when people take the time not only to read my poems but to comment on them...so, thanks.
about the butterfly kisses...i hope you won't mind if is stick by it...i know it's a cliche...but, i do love this particular cliche...so, please bear with me...
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Once I read you're first poem, I couldn't help but read some more... I'm not an expert on poetry or anything, but I think this is amazing. It feel the emotion behind it, I especially like this...
"yet, once more,i find
myself plummeting hard
into the unforgiving ground.
as once more, you left
me broken and bleeding,
like you did before."
Many people are able to relate to this, the issues with relationships with the ones we love so deeply. I love your poems! keep up the good work.. and personally ( like i said, I'm not a poetry expert) but i think it is beautiful just the way it is. I feel like the best poems are the ones, you sit and down and write the first time, even mistakes can create an interesting poem.
- Emily
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thank you very much, emily.
i am very much flattered by your comment on my poem. comments such as yours make writing very much worthwhile. even if i sometimes consider my poems as sappy compared to the more meaningful ones written here, it is still very nice to know that there are people like you who enjoy reading my poems. again, thank you very much.
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This works really well, in my view. Some really strong writing in this one, leigh. This line was perhaps my favorite that jumped out at me:
"butterfly kisses searing my soul"
A nice internal contrast there between the image of the butterfly and "searing". Very effective.
I also enjoyed the sharp contrast this poem presented in general. There is a set-up and then a let down but it flows very nicely. Your writing makes the contrast work. It reminded me of a favorite Garth Brooks song called "Which One Of Them" when he begins by describing the women he meets at the bar but they can't compare with the one he loves, and he finally sings:
"There is only one love
I could give my heart to,
but you didn't want it
and you broke it in two."
When I first listened to that song I was so impressed by that presentation of one idea, that feeling that you knew what to expect, and then the surprise twist. It worked so well for me in that tune and now you've made that feeling work very well in this poem, too.
Very nice job, leigh...
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thank you very much, mark
i deeply appreciate your insights into my poem...i am very happy that you got the contrasts that i tried to inculcate here...because those were really the feelings i had...i felt love but had the premonition that it was going to have a bad ending...so, i felt like floating yet burning in hell at the same time...so, thank you very much again, mark...
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Sharp and sweet, I'd say,
a good direction... Do you want the two sections to be simultaneous or sequential? That's a question I'd ask at this point in the construction, along with: where is your NOW P.O.V? But I like it just as it is, sometimes doing more to a thing won't improve it - especially if it's good like this is.
I really am seized by the two poles of your experience - very vivid... I have an idea they could be presented in parallel visually or something, or if they're a sequence, somehow make that clear. But is it worth doing? Maybe that's entirely a different poem.
Anyway, nice work Best RA -
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thanks for the comment RA
the two sections of my poems are definitely sequential...the guy who made me feel those wonderful emotions left me high and dry and good riddance to him, by the way...anyway, i'd just like to tell you that when i wrote this poem, there was only one section to it...the one that marcus said had something wrong in it...the good thing is that when marcus told me i need to revise my poem, the guy had already left me, so, i was able to write something to add on to the section that i did before...so, the guy's leaving me had some good effects, huh? at least on my work..
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hey there leigh
Alrite!!! LoL now the form is where it needs to be. Perfect! You saw the mistake or the "sore thumb" if you will, and managed to take care of it. A good job of revising, editing as you said that this was your first attempt at editing. I thought that you did a rather grand job of it. Congrats. I think the poem flows much better and the form is in the shape that it was meant to be in. Doesn't feel like it needs a thing changed to it. A good job of taking in advice, filtering in and out what you think is best for the poem. Then applying it to your work. It says alot that you can do that instead of just saying well fuck you if you don't like it. B/c this shows that you are open to others' comments and want to grow and become a better writer overall. A good asset to this website, of course as we all want to grow as writers, hope to hear from ya again soon on some more comments and critiques, even if you aren't comfy as a writer in your own work, don't shy away from commenting on other's work. It's also a good way to learn different styles of writing. And of course you get to read great poetry by some great poets. Of course please don't shy away from loooking at any of my previous/recent work. Any comments of course are always appreciated.
TTYL
MM -
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blush!
thanks, marcus.
i am a person who is very open to advices, so when somebody tells me that something's wrong with what i did and i can see that he or she has a point, then there is no reason why i can't make revisions can i...poets do that all the time...
so, thank you very much on your help on this...i really appreciate your advice and don't worry...if i have the time, i will surely look into as much poems as i can here, whether they be yours or somebody else's.
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heylo
I enjoyed the words that were there, the content is good. the form works in the beginning, then it drops and starts something different, then ends with something different from both. Form-wise I thought that was a mistake. I think if you fixed the form and played with what ya got there already you could have something really good. Or maybe just changing some lines around with this one, or exchanging words, maybe setting up rhymes to help create a flow. there are obviously many things you could do...but of course it's all up to you, I could be completely missing the point here. If I am please let me know so I can give it another try. Overall a good theme and content.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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hey, marcus. i tried...i don't know if it works...my mind's kinda mushy right now after a long day's work...so, i'm not really sure what i'm doing...hehehe...did i do something right? please, let me know...
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thanks for pointing things out to me, marcus. i knew there was something wrong with this poem...i just haven't gotten around to working on it...now, that you've kindly given me such pointers...i'll work on the poem as soon as i can.
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