I sit on the floor ,
I watch you get dressed.
Cross-legged and blank,
Slightly distressed.
You put on your chains,
You fumble and glare.
I sit and I sit,
I sit and just stare.
You tell me to fuck off,
To cease my glares.
But I just sit on the floor,
Daring to glare.
You button up your shirt,
You fumble and fume.
The air is hot,
You soon are consumed.
“Get up and leave you stupid fat whore.”
But I sit and I plead,
“I want to stay home.”
“Are you out of your mind?
Have you forgotten your place?
This isn’t your house,
Snap out of this daze.”
And suddenly I look
At the walls that surround,
The photographs and posters
All of them a mount.
“But I slept with you here,
On the night before this.
You seemed to care then,
You didn’t resist.”
This made him snap,
And he grabbed at my arm
His hand was sweaty and slightly too warm
“But you seemed to have cared,
On the night before this.
You held me in your arms,
You didn’t resist.”
He looked frustrated, torn
While I sat on the floor, confused and clearly outworn
“You were one fuck,
One night,
One stay.”
Now get up and go,
And don’t look so damn gray.
But I just sat on the floor,
I watched you stress.
Cross-legged and blank,
Slightly undressed.
Critiques welcomed =)
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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This is kinda interesting
I would suggest also putting it under the adult catergory, so as younger inncoent eyes can't see it, due to nature and language.
I got this smooth rhythm form your words..Some rhyming great...some maybe not so great...in parts interrupting the flow a little but to me is something that could be easily fixed
An interesting subject, way of getting out into something that to me did read and feel like a poem and I think for the first piece you share with us on here, I am impressed and look forward to more
Cindy
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I think this is some very strong writing. It is powerful, that is for sure. Strong, clear language packed with emotion... and a sharp contrast between emotions, too. The two individuals involved felt amazingly real to me and that is not an easy goal to achieve in a poem. It takes skilled writing, so take a bow on a job well done with that. I agree with Cindy that this may be well placed under adult, too. There is a certain darkness in it that I think will be appreciated by many, but I also think you need experience in the mind and eye to fully appreciate it. Finally, I like the rhythm you established in this poem and only flet a few speed bumps along the way, which is something that can be easily worked out in time. Without a doubt, however, I think you've done a really nice job with this and should take pride in your writing. Good job!
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I think it would be better to repeat the rhyme of dare and glare in the 3rd stanza instead of repeating the word "glare" as a rhyme, I think the stanza would be better off that way. but I could be completely wrong here. I also think when you mention his hand being too warm, not sure what stanza it is. but I believe it would flow better if it were put like this:
"This made him snap,
he grabbed my arm.
Hand full of sweat,
slightly too warm."
The meter works when written both ways but this seems to stay true to the form and the flow of the poem. Unless there's some reason for changing the rhythm at that point/juncture in the poem that I was unaware and unable to find. If so please let me know. Always a pleasure meeting somebody new and finding another P.O.V. on the site to give and recieve good comments from. Look forward to more readings and comments from ya.
TTYL
MM
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my my.
you put out an impression quite well.
i like this one, you get your point across, and the rhythm and word usage was excellent.
the whole time i read i couldnt take my eyes off, i wanted more, i wanted to see where it would escalate to. i was disappointed, the emotions in this poem are deep, the undertones as well.
very good, i like your writing the more of them i read. =)
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I Hate this poem...
That's why I love it so much. I've always hated one night stands. I known you can't believe a man is saying that. It's true though I've always been a hopeless romantic chasing that ever-elusive, oh so magical, ever-lasting love. That being said. A one night stand is bad enough when both partys enter into it knowingly. Even in the best of those circumstances it's still all too easy for someone to get their feelings hurt. But this guy! You did a great job of portraying him for the asshole he is. Your character has every right to do more than glare. Perhaps she should offer him a one last super surprise bubble gum blowjob. I love the way you make me hate him and feel for her. The only suggestions I would have would be: omit the {up} in line thirteen, that keeps the rhythm you've been using, then splitting lines seventeen, thirty four and forty. I'd drop everything from you on in line seventeen then maybe put a comma after leave, that gives it a pause. This asshole tells her to leave then after a very slight hesitation adds insult to injury, Then on in line thirty four I'd drop everything from and on, everything from the comma on in line forty. That's about it unless you want to add another stanza where she stays one more time then after he uses her she uses superglue. Just kidding. Great poem! Got my juices going can you tell?
MaMa-2-be-Cindy
April 5
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