Poke her dots pinch
Slim alabaster slope
Of arm-stitched
Outstretched supplicating
Angel creeps out
Of harm sway
Folding mantis palms
To prey.
So sharp of tooth
And yet
A kiss so sweet.
Sugar toxic dream-
Weaves her sickness
Into bone, pulp and
Heart shard,
Cardiaxe arrest
Each palpitation,
Weeding life
From limb.
Dig deeper dearest! I know
Itīs in there. Somewhere.
Yes! Let me see!
No...
No.
Thatīs not it.
Mere transient
Hype. Her dermic
Sheen is a pock marked grid
Of agony exquisite
Chills another
Casket base, another
Cold Loverdose.
If heaven does not exist
Are we needless in vein?
Author notes
Concerning the fate of friends - converting latent feats of "fiends" - pointing the hyperdermic at what kills most - love or hard drugs? Addiction fuelled this diction seeped in homophonic hyperbole waxing on the hypnodermic love-affair many in our society have with potent opiates. too many friends and casual acquaintences have OD d to remain silent - therefore this injection of the quill. A hard fix to be sure.
All in Vein?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Powerful
This is a deep subject that you have conveyed really wellin words, they are distrubing visions of what people can and do to themselves. Never having been there, it makes me more the happier I haven't.
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Heartbreaking.
This is a sad tale my friend. It happens all to often. I have an older brother who has stuggled with addiction so this poem struck home for me. I've struggled with my own addictions but nothing that bad and Luckily I was able to break free and I'm Thankful. As to the question of which kills more love or drugs this may cause a lot of controversy but I say that could be a close call. There are a LOT of suicides caused by broken hearts. Your notes were certainly fitting (what I understood). You might like the one I just posted called: Simon Says. It's nothing like this, however it question getting hooked in the first place. In my opinion one should never remain silent on such matters.
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Cheers Brian!
I´m really glad you brought up the point of which kills most, Brian (aswell as your honest bravery in saying it might be a close call).
As you gathered my idea was to juxtapose two types of addiction, hence the title and rhetorical questions. This piece was motivated (though undoubtedly poetically filtered) by the tragedy of someone close and their honorable struggle of love overcoming chemical addiction. It did for a long while but fate fed a momentary slip-up/regression with a funeral and a vast void in the heart of a woman very much in love.
The word-play of double meanings and homophones while relevant allude more to the altered states of drug use, misuse, and all too often, tragic abuse.
Damn, mate, I owe you a few comments now! You´re top of the list any minute now! (Guilty back-log mostly eradicated!)
Thanx again!
Warm regards
gG
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Like Dorthy from the Wizard of Oz, I was blown away by your comment. Upon reading your page and learning more about you I've experienced caterpillar wonders??? And fell for an odd desire to learn about cats.. hmmm..
On your adventures of chasing rabbits, sparring with the Queen of Hearts, and dining with Mad Hatters, I hope that you can find the time to read this Tweedle Dees comment.
Now, to the punchline: I've browsed through some of your writings and have thoroughly enjoyed them. You have a brilliant talent and thank you for sharing. I decided to leave my comment on this poem because it has been my favorite so far. Keep up the good work! =)
. Rewarded 8
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Wham Bam Thank You Mallam!
This Tweedle Dum vows herewith to render reply to any and every kind and generous comment your quill may deign to imbue my poor work with.
Cheers for warming this nocturnal novices heartburn with the grace to which you engendered my chAlice in Blunderland intro.
Warmest regards
ThruthelookingGlass
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wow. im really not so sure what to say. ive never been in the position of commenting on a really really good love/ overdose poem. well all i can say is 5 stars! you get a 21 out of 10. good work.
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Cheers BrutalRomance
I´m glad it made a good impression on you. 21 out of 10 is an unusually high rating! Thanx.
gG
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the title is inspired. some of the wordplay is artful; when not awful== needless in vein is amusing, actually. What is a problem is the overtly conventional moral patina the artist somehow feels it's necessary to hector us with--
if heaven does not exist
This line has the fault that Roethke called stamping a tiny foot at God--
word play is good, even very good. free verse is devilish hard to write, and this almost works for me.
thanks, --Xenopho. Rewarded 8
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Cheers Xenophon.
Thanx for the comment and constructive critique.
Granted there s a fine line betwixt artful and awful when word-larking or waxing homophonic - a matter of personal preferance in part, but it can only be justified as more than low-brow punning if it opens up new aspects of the theme in question.
(Even adhering to such conditions I think "Hype. Her dermic.." is a tad OTT!)
Though not exactly pro-drug propaganda and describing somewhat deleterious effects of heroin use, I disagree with your view of overtly conventional moral hectoring. I don´t see it as moralistic despite the negative slant! And "authors notes" doesn´t count.
Searching for love/heaven/Nirvanha thru the eye of a needle is a sub-theme but gods spare me any pseudo-christian allusions!
I´m thinking of heaven more as a state of mind than a state of grace.
I might be tempted however to strike that line altogether if it is so easily misconstrued. Hmmm...
Anyway.
Warm regards
gGodsfootprint
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Simon, what struck me about this piece was how you managed to pack so much of your inimitable wit into such short lines-- you are truly a master craftsman. I don't have much to add to the subject matter-- as you may recall, from my Hormiga poem, I, too, have witnessed the destruction addiction has wrought on those near and dear.
What also occurs to me in looking over a piece such as this with all of its brain tickling puns and shades of meaning is how much deeper you invite the reader to contemplate your subjects, working like a corkscrew into the cortex, embedding facts and meditations like splinters in gray matter, so we are left pondering for days and months to come.
Bravo!
Pie
. Rewarded 8
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Cheers Celestial.
Excuse me not replying before now.
"Corkscrew into the cortex..." hah! Great! Thanx once more for a marvelously enunciated comment, Lauren.
I recall your Hormiga poem, yes. It is interesting to note how many various types of addiction are depicted on this site and others thru poetry.
The majority certainly display much catharsis.
As long as drugs fill a vaccuum so many feel inside themselves then depictions of intimate devastation will no doubt continue unabated.
Warmest regards to thee and thine,
gG
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< Thanx Caliente!
Yepp, "heaven" is in this case an escapist illusion. The last 3 funerals I ve been to have all involved kind and good people who have OD d. Two of them at least had either quit or were in the process of doing so. When they succumbed to the temptation of a final fix there bodies had lost too much tolerance to be able to handle the dose they took.
Good point you raise about the selfishness involved - the heartbreak for those loved-ones left behind, which garnered the initial impetus for this write.
Despite not frequenting any kind of junky environment it seems crazy how many people I have known have met their deaths at the end of a needle.
Everyone knows someone it appears.
Regards
gG -
hey gG
i agree with the other comments, about the cleverness of the word play, you are the masestro of the quill. i can only add its could to bring re-attention to us we dont care anymore now that were clean post drug using baby boomers.
dave. Rewarded 4
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Yeah Dave.
Thanx mate. I guess we forget because of all the brain cells we´ve burnt out.
Was it worth it?
Wish I could remember.
But then again, there were no shamans around to teach us the right ways, methods and dosages.
Cheers
gG
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hey, I liked the wordplay you had in there, very clever and it worked very nicely. A very dark topic and one that is very sad as well. Strong opiates are taking way too many lives these days. A very explicit piece in my mind, paints a very true/ugly picture. Nicely done. Not that you need to paint one with the pic you got up there. Cya
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 6
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Thanx A Bundle Marcus!
Though I believe decriminalising drugs would save and improve more lives than present dismal policies, for folks bearing self-destructive tendencies coupled to sensitive but addictive personalities, the timeless lure of mood-altering shortcuts can often become a "CULL-de-sac".
The pic IS overkill I guess, but there you go...
Regards
gG
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I really liked the creativity in this one. It had a haunding, overshadowing feel to it for me but I could still enjoy the way you played with language so effectively. The use of "prey" and then "vein" at the end were the two that worked the best for me. So clever, but also with a punch. It wasn't done just for the sake of being clever with language and I like that. This was a very unsettling, uncomfortable poem to read but I think that is a good thing... I think that is part of what you wanted to achieve. I may be wrong, but either way, I think this is very good.
. Rewarded 8
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Cheers Mark!
Yes, you are right of course, causing the punter discomfort is for me often (a rather puerile?) a prime motivation. Bending and manipulating language helps me to get inside of it and thereby hopefully facilitates a clearer deeper understanding of the profundity and power inherent in words.
Though I do fall prey to the come-hither wink of a cool neologism, I think my shite works best when there is a proper focus to the jiggery-wordery.
Mucho regards
gGibberish
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A little less could be a lot more here
Hi gG and nice to see you back in action. There are so many echoes of Irma here, your inimitable style, but it works so well in this shorter, more immediate context. With so much pun and rhyme abounding this shouldn't work. But it does - it absolutely does and the sordid mess of the addicts life is laid before us in a poem that is both convoluted and succinct if that were possible. More impressively for me, between the lines about the ugliness and futility there is a rich, seductive vein which appreciates the power of the drug and its pull for the victim.
Forgive me if I suggest that if it were up to me I would leave the reader hanging on 'quest' of stanza 3 and go no further. Here is where the poem is at the depths of its mystery and here it should be left (imho). What follows adds nothing to that mystery and stretches the punning and quipping, all absolutely fine to that point, just a little to far into the realms of tongue-in-cheek and dilutes what has been a powerful message. Also, the title, whilst clever and apt, comes across as a little cheesy and trite. I'd rather see you go with something simpler and harder, like 'needle' or 'dig' or ' fix'. Have a look at it trimmed down and see what you think. Really great stuff, as always from you, but I really think just a little less would make this a whole lot more. My Very Best to Your Darkfulness as always >W<
Dig
Poke her dots pinch
Slim alabaster slope
Of arm-stitched
Outstretched supplicating
Angel creeps out
Of harm sway
Folding mantis palms
To prey.
So sharp of tooth
And yet
A kiss so sweet.
Sugar toxic dream-
Weaves her sickness
Into bone, pulp and
Heart shard,
Cardiaxe arrest
Each palpitation,
Weeding life
From limb.
Dig deeper dearest! I know
It´s in there. Somewhere.
Yes! Let me see!
No...
No.
That´s not it.
. Rewarded 8
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Got A Point There W.
Yeah. See what you mean, mate. Will fulminate ferociously on the matter. Makes a good ending.
Perhaps I could interpose stanza 4 between 2 and 3 and have the "speakeasy" as an ending.
The original title was Needless In Vein, but I opted for Loverdose as this fit perfectly with the tragic inspiration/motivation for the write.
I try to make each a title a poem in itself, but at times I might try too hard.
Thanx a million pints for your honest and valuable input, John.
Written a lot lately and am stitching the finishing touches of Irma Vep 10 together - it´s good to note how industrious you also have been of late.
Cheers
gG
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