Though I’d been around
the block and back
more than once
I loved her
the first moment
I saw her
she was both
cute and beautiful
her large dark blue/black eyes
and long lashes
belied a sweet type
of innocence and vulnerability
which was so refreshing
from the cynical jaded types
I was used to
I also liked
that she really wasn’t
much of a talker
unlike the ones
who go on and on
and you wish
they’d just shut up
now this might sound strange
but I’ve been commitment phobic
my whole life
and even though we’d just met
I knew right then
I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with her
and though I
didn’t want to scare her
so soon
I just couldn’t help myself
and picked her up
and held her close to me
coincidentally it happened
to be her birthday
I named her
Anjelica
Comments
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You ol softie you.
lovely to see this side of you too. -
freakin' awesome...more please. who are you?
thanks man. i'm young and single and this incites in me a kind of faith. maybe someday i will meet a real man. the love for a new baby is pure and simple which i think tells us somethin about the nature of existence. it's pretty much the shiz
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Dave,
I love this poem it is beautiful. Keep up the good work.
Emily -
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thanks Emily
and hopefully i'll keep up the good work. like they say, your only as good as you last poem.
dave
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awww
This is really clever and awfully sweet, as I'm sure you're aware. It sort of gives you a warm giggle at the end.
. Rewarded 4
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hey raven
thanks and nice to hear from you, you havent' been around for awhile. i see you've put some new stuff up and i'll be checking it out shortly.
dave
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< hey Caliente
thanks for commenting. i was hoping to make it obvious enuf to the reader to know it was my daughter but if not i dont see changing it, without ruining it.
my daughter is 11 months and i hope my poems about her are as meaninful as your fathers are to you.
those messages in my guestbook are from a guy how i had a cyber brawl with here on SP about a year and half ago, i look at them as battle scars.
dave -
hey Z
thanks for the comments, not quite sure how "coincidentally it happened to be her birthday" is harsh.
dave -
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Hi Dave
I meant it suddenly felt abrupt in the flow as I was reading it. Harsh wasn't very descriptive of me.
Z
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Hi Dave, you had me to the end - liked the transition. Falling in love, finding it was you're daughter. 'Coincidentally it happened to be her birthday' that line feels a little harsh to me somehow. Beautiful, one for her 21st box. Z
. Rewarded 4
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Missed it.
Hey Ochs. What's with all the soft soap? No point trying to convince us all you're human at this late stage. Seriously though, this is definitely different from you and the reason why is clear now that I know it's about your little daughter. Congratulations by the way, it's the greatest thing.
As for the poem, I have to confess that you sold me the dummy but had I not read your mail here, I'd never have cottoned on to your 'angle'. Now I'm not the brightest but there are many like me. Knowing what I know now, I see the punchline and I like it. But I reckon you should know I missed the point and that others are likely to do so. I'd make it a little clearer, perhaps with ' coincidentally it happened to be her very first birthday...' . I don't think it would hurt at all and it would make the punchline absolutely unmistakeable. Just my take on it. Liked it anyway. >W< -
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hey john
thanks for the concise feedback. often i miss the meaning of a poem thats is obvious to others and i pinch myself and and say duh. in this case i wondered if this were clear enuf. however i dont think your suggestion works theres something not quite right about saying "her very first birthday" its kinda of like saying, do you get it. hopefully i left enuf clues i.e, "wasnt a big talker, picked her up (implying shes small) tough call on this, maybe theres another way to echance the punchline without hitting the reader over the head with it.
dave
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hey dave this poem is extremely cute and I enjoyed it so much
I loved the ending..
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thanks elydia
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Really, really nice. The emotion and sincerity are quite palpable in this one, Dave, but in a good way. It is not thrown on our shoulders like wet cement, but it surrounds us in a more pleasant cloud or mist. I think the style and craft of your writing helps make that happen so effectively. It is not too direct or too harsh in any way, just a nice rolling stream of thought which ends up as a great poem. What I enjoy so much about this, and so many of your other poems, is that I don't feel like I am reading a poem as I peruse them. I feel like a person is just sitting and chatting with me... and that is a very cool effect. Writing so artistically and keeping that "average-joe" feel to it is impressive, to say the lease. Great work!
. Rewarded 8
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Artfully Wrought!
You drew me in hook, line and sinker, Dave! Brilliantly simple yet wholly effective. Superbly wrought twist - hats off and my cooeist regards to your littlun, Anjelica.
Cheers
gaaGaa
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thanks gG
glad you where drawn in and "fooled;" no one else commented on that and i thought it may not be clear.
dave -
hey mark
thanks for the compliments, theres lots of great styles in poetry however i think a lot of poems are painful to read, because they have to be deciphered. so if i can hit a conversational tone i'm happy.
dave
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lovely
I know exactly what you mean. My poem is about our beautiful girl from China, and I know about love at first sight, pure, complete love for your daughter. Well said. Jenny
. Rewarded 4
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thanks jenny
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I am with MM, I get the feel this is about your daughter Dave..?
I liked this...it flowed thorugh with a great rhythm..I loved the part about not being a talker etc...cause I am one of the talkers lol well most of the time.
Given the crap I am going through in life at the momment..This one something that just made me feel good, thats probably the biggest reason I enjoyed it...But also it is in your style and it is as always very well written, to me
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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hey cinfully delicious
the poem was suppossed to be a set up where the reader thinks its about an adult romance and the twist is its about my daughter. i hope that was clear enuf to pick up.
i'm sorry your going thur some bad times if you want to chat send me a message. regardless i hope everything works out. i love your new pic.
dave
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Hey dave
quite unexpectedly sweet. I think, having been to used to your usual tone, as i read through this, i was waiting for a punchline...and this was unexpected. Unexpectedly refreshing from you. I liked it, no frills, just probably like 'love at first sight.' Enjoyed the surprise at the end. If this is about your daughter, this is great way to welcome her.
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hey iphios
yeah you got it, my daughters 11 months so have to forgive me these hallmark poems. thanks
dave
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hey dave
idk if this is an ode to your daughter in real life if you have one, but if so it would be a pretty neat one if it were up to me. Definately a twister poem with a surprise ending. You little Albert Hitchcock, you had so much suspense LoL. Overall I liked it alot, At some points if it were goin to be a love poem to somebody I definately would have found some lines weird, but now that it's to your daughter it makes complete sense. A good original take on things. Nicely done.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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hey marcus
i have a real daugher 11 months old. i couldn't invent one to write about it. I'm good at twisting the truth but lack the imagination to invent it.
dave
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