My girlfriend's
in my bed.
Yet, I can't feel more alone.
She lounges
in my head.
So much so, she calls it home.
Oh only
if she knew,
the things I would do for her.
Or if she
loved me too,
my doubts wouldn't reoccur.
If really
she loved me,
she would go out of her way.
Simply kiss
and hug me,
Let me know she wants to stay.
But...
It's all a game to
these heartbreakers.
I'm in pseudo love,
with a faker.
Deceitful ways of
ancient pleasure.
Her curves they bend with
subtle splendor.
The tiniest kiss
Euphoric bliss
And after all this,
I'm left with shit.
Author notes
About feeling used in a relationship or else getting used in a relationship. Basically people using other people for certain comforts that wouldn't be there if they weren't in a relationship. I'm sure ya get the idea...It's also a spin-off of another poem I've been working on, which title is in this poem.
In a list
I'd just like an honest opinion...thanks
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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read it two times
ur reply made me read ths poem again...n ths time i read it for gettng u more clear.hey i dont commnet for points..i comment in a straight way...n words r harsh(98.9%) as u mentioned..see i commented as a casual poem reader wud comment.....it help poets to write more for general viewing.i hope u get my point.a casual reader will writeoff ur poetry as boring... Rewarded 6
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From One Rhymer to Another!
First, Fourth and Last Stanzas are really good! It gives a feeling that you are not a slave to rhyme, and willing to change structure for rhymes, readability and structure. In the third stanza, the last line, where you claim to be a faker as well, is brutally honest. Or if you are calling her a a "faker" the last two lines would need to be reworded, I feel. As it reads now, it conveys that she fell in "psuedo love" with a faker, which would be you. If you meant it the other way round, I would have to say the way you have written now feels better, and more importantly, truthful.
Fifth Stanza was building up nicely with the first two, but the compliment on the curves, though probably true, seems out of place.
The second and third stanzas, however are too cliched and pitiful. But I got to hand it to you, you do feel that ways when you feel used in a relationship. All the cliches about a break up feel like God sent wisdom.
Lastly, I hope you find it in you to find love for someone else, and be loved in turn by that some one. Best of Luck!
Broken trust...
The shards
Scattered on the ground
The doubts that were brushed away
Thought to be unfound
The doubts that never stood a chance
When trust was as strong as it was
Not for a second did I ever pause
To let those doubts breed and grow
They eventually dealt a telling blow
The broken pieces of my trust
Sparkled with an eerie glow
Smeared with drops of my blood
I felt the memories gushing out
From the wrist that I had slit
As I watched the dark red stain
Like a blooming flower spreading out
Amidst the pain and doubts so strong
I meditated in silence for long
Brutally betrayed and alone
I held myself though I felt so torn
I prayed to God...
I had to pray
And trust for things to be right again
For the sake of someone who broke my trust
I can not let trust never grow again
I need to give trust another chance
For Someone, sometime, somewhere else
Felt like sharing this poem of mine with you!
Cheers
HM -
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Heylo HS
thank you very much for taking the time to read and leave a comment it was much appreciated. I really liked that you took the time to dissect the poem and actually give me constructive criticism instead of just tell me all the shit ya didnt like, that's how this site will allow us to help one another. I've changed the fell in love part quite simply I think, but I could be wrong again I mean I missed it the first time so...but the mention of her curves and to her body is it's just another tool she used to lure me in and distract me from what was really goin on with her really not caring and just trying to make up for it with sex which didnt even happen that much or else I wouldnt be complaining LoL JK. But thank you again for your time, comment, and most of all time to share the poem with me and your kind words. thank you
TTYL
MM
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The ending to this one is well done, how it seems to end so abruptly and discordantly. Great work with this one. -ML
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hey WaW
I'm glad that you picked up on that or at least mentioned it in your comment, because as a con things end abrubtly and all of a sudden, most of the time without any warning at all, I was lucky, I guess if you look at it that way, to see the signs ahead of time, or rather I feel I was cheated out of a couple more weeks of me thinking that things were going okay instead of worrying and trying to make them better when they werent goin to improve anyways, but none the less it ends all of a sudden, hits you right in the face, and you can't even breat after the fact, takes about 2 weekds for it really to hit ya(me) LoL anyways thanks for reading and even more thanks for the comment, always appreciated, will be looking into some more of your poetry as soon as you post some. Good luck and I hope you can learn or at least grow in some way here at the site.
TTYL
MM
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Nice poem about being used. We've all been there. I'm sorry for your loss. Poor guy. (((((hugs))))). I'm glad you were able to channel your frustrations into poetry. Bad relationships are great material for poems. Once again, sorry for your loss, and a great poem!
. Rewarded 6
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Hey LJ
thanks for takin the time to read and comment. very much appreciated. Thanks also for your kind words about the poem and my relationship situation which has now deteriorated into nothing. But it's obviously for the better for both of us. Thank you again for takin the time to read and even more leave a comment.
TTYL
MM
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a boring poem
is that a poem???better try something else.u asked for honest opinion so her it is.lows are th part of any raltionship and iy comes when both are wrong not a one sided story. -
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it's okay
thank you for taking the time and reading and leaving a comment although I know you were up all night reading and leaving like 20-35 sor something up there comments I had heard from somebody, and about 98.9% of them were negative so it kind of saddens me that maybe you were just angry and wanted to take it out on others...or I could be one of the one's that you really didn't like, LoL I'll never know but thank you again for taking the time to comment. One sided story?? that part confused me, I understand you're talking about both partners share blame in problems in the relationship but if you read it carefully and you knew the facts then you would know that I'm telling the truth and not fabricating anything. So this is THE story...we both had different agendas. That's all you need to know, its obvious in the poem anyways, I wanted a serious relationship, at first she loved me and gave me her world, after a while her attitude changed and her demeanor and her lack of respect or care were gleaming hints that made me feel this way, and it all ended badly in the end. Thanks again and hope to hear something constructive next time, if there is a next time, I'll be looking forward to seeing some of your poetry and hopefully hearing some of your comments on mine, not just for the points but for the help of another poet, It's always nice to hear another's point of view, and I don't have anybody like yourself commenting on my poetry consistently. but obviously that is your choice. Good evening and God Bless.
TTYL
MM
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hey marcus whats up? yea this kind of shit happens all the time, its happened to me a couple of times. like the people below me already said you had some really good lines in there, dont need to point out the obvious. another good one of yours that i like. good job.
peace
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I Like
Yea, there's alway been a lot of this going around in the world.
Your poem gat the point across entertainingly and very well written .
My emotion response is I'm not crazy about these types of persons
and I do my damdest to spot them before thy nail me. And well, I suppose that's th way life is sometimes.
I loved the last line wasn't expecting.....shit.
Good Rhymes. Excellent write. Thanks,
Rich
. Rewarded 8
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Hey G2A
Good to hear from ya, Glad you stopped by to read and leave a comment. It was more of an impulsive feeling that lead to this poem. Or at least that sparked up the inspiration. I too can obviously say that I am not fond of anybody like this as well. And its sad that this is just too common, with men and women alike.
TTYL
MM
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I feel your words, I wrote a poem with common ideas it's called, long ago, maybe you can read it sometime. keep writing and I'll read
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so well written, really good images -what a shame they are about victims...i guess i like to champion success but i think your use of language is lovely
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Truth.
Oh, does this sound familiar. My relationship just ended a few days ago. Glad to know I'm not the only one.
These feelings are universal.
"My girlfriend's
in my bed.
Yet, I can't feel more alone."
That perfectly captures the lack of connection you can sometimes feel. Can't say that was the case with my last relationship, but I have definitely been there. This poem really has some great emotions in it, and the tone is superb. It even manages to rhyme without sounding like something out of a fourth grade reading book. Great job. Really.
. Rewarded 8
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i feel it.
i can really dig the feelings evoked by this poem, marcus...as i've been feeling them of late...although i won't go into details there, all i can say, is that you have explicitly expressed what many of us go through when we begin to doubt.
at some point in our lives, we do go through these feelings that seem to make us feel so alone even when there are a great number of people around us...there are times when even if our loved one is in the same room with us, we feel that they are a thousand miles away...then, we begin to fret and get anxious and then we nurse doubts...if we don't talk things out at moments like this...a storm is definitely brewing in the horizon...but, somehow, there are many of us who keep this storm bottled inside us...the question is...when will it blow?. Rewarded 8
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I can remember the feeling. Are you still together? I wrote a poem that this one reminds me of. I will have to post sometime but here is the part
- one kiss in bliss
one heart in hell
happiness is a fairytale -
I really like your words and the emotion I felt.
. Rewarded 6
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Hey FFH
Yes we are still together, everything's going great now. Just hit a little bump in the road where things weren't so certain. But that's how things go when communication doesn't keep up with the emotions. Glad you could connect with the poem. GOod to hear there are others out there.
TTYL
MM
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WOW!!!
this is amazing. i love how you take every worry and turn it into words. this is exactly how i've been feeling lately. it's great to know that someone else knows how to explain it
. Rewarded 4
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hey damsel
thanks for stopping by to read, and I'm glad that you could connect enough to leave a comment. Glad somebody else could relate to what I was feeling at the time.
TTYL
MM
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hmmm
Hey there marcus, I've also known alot of men and women like this as well. Both at times equally wrong and equally ugly in the way they did what they did. Good job displaying anger but care at the same time, basically frustration. A frustration of love is the worst kind as well. I thought it flowed very well too, Liked the syllable change in the middle of the poem at a different point, gave the two sections a little more character but didn't seperate them b/c they aren't all that different, just a little bit. So I really liked that part of it. Overall I thought it was a really good poem. Good job again.
Sherry L.K.
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Powerful
A very powerful poem with a lot of raw emotion. Relationships are very difficult to say the least. It is funny how simple communication breaks down so easily and we wind up assuming what the other person is feeling or thinking. Then we make the grave mistake on acting upon those assumptions which really can damage a relationship. I’m personally do not believe in holding a relationship together at all costs, sometimes it is better just to go separate ways, but it should still be done on good terms if possible.
Hope that things work out Marcus and good luck in the future!
Bill
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hey Bill
Thanks for stopping by. You hit it right on the head, miscommunication LoL. Couldn't have been more right. Appreciate the wishful thoughts and the always appreciated time it takes to leave a thoughtful comment. I know this (communication breakdown) is one of the main reasons couples break up. It's best to just say what you have to say right away usually, and to just always tell the truth. I actually in my case didn't do the latter, so I put myself in this position, but everything seems to be going good now. But thanks again for your thoughts and best wishes.
TTYL
MM
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Wow, that was really an awesome poem. I guess I am drawn in by the honesty, simplicity, and for sure the subject matter of your poem. Great job
. Rewarded 4
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hey brandon
Glad to hear that you could connect with the poem. That's one of the main things I try to do with my poetry, now that I can post them here and people can read them, then you sometimes get comments back saying they've been through the same thing. I guess it's kind of comforting for both parties. But glad you enjoyed it and thank you again for stopping by and taking the time to read it, and even more leave a comment. Much appreciated.
TTYL
MM
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hey marcus
liked the poem, i like cynicism. but hey if a woman just uses you for sex, does the act and leaves you to do what you want thats like dying and going to heaven without having to die. love is way overated.
dave. Rewarded 4
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hey dave
Thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed the poem. I'll have to say if a girl uses you for just sex, then that's not all too bad of a thing, unless you had feelings for her. But we have a different case completely, alot more than just physical. But I definately got a good laugh out of it b/c that's already happened to me before in the past. Thanks again for the time and appreciated the laugh. C-ya
TTYL
MM
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I felt the frustration in this MM.
I have felt this way, at one time, with Matt....Like I can't even begin to explain it and it was neaarly the end of us, up until he proved we could work through it and grow stronger for it etc.
What you write about does happen, relating to it made it easy to be drawn in by your words here.
If it isn't how/what your feeling, then you certainly hit the mark, very well, with the emotions of it.
Thanks for sharing my friend
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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Hey CinCin
Thanks for the huggers at the end LoL, always needed. Like I said below I have felt these feelings during our relationship so far, but it's not a common thing, just every once and a while. And I definately felt them tonight...which is why/how I was able to write this with raw emotion. It's good to hear that you and Matt got through your struggles, that's always good news. Gives me some more hope for our future. Its not that it looks bad or things aren't going good b/c they're great. It's just there are these moments when it seems like she could care less if I'm alive or dead. Kinda like tonight, but idk, she's going through alot right now. So I guess we'll just have to see how things turn out. Hopefully for the better b/c I really really love her LoL. A day without her and I'm freaking out haha. Well enough rambling for now. Hope to talk to ya soon. And I'd like to thank you for your continued and faithful readings and comments on my work. It is much appreciated, but of course I don't have to explain that to you LoL. Have a good one. Thanks again.
TTYL
MM
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nice poem, talking about deceit! deceit is second nature to some women. when a man is unlucky to love someone like that, then God help him! but once a long time ago, someone dear to me, a woman, was involved with a deceitful man and i always had to pick up the pieces and it was not good! so it goes both ways, men and women can be deceitful! nice write 'The tiniest kiss
Euphoric bliss
And after all this,
I'm left with shit.'. Rewarded 8
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hey Stani
Glad you enjoyed the poem, even happier that you left a comment. Yes men and women are both equally deceitful, and it's a terrible thing to do to somebody. I personally don't think it's happening to me right now. But there are times when I feel things could be better, or that she's holding back. Glad to hear that you liked the ending for that's the part I wasn't too sure about. Again thanks for the read and I'll have to check out some of your stuff at AP.
TTYL
MM
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