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Stunning

She carried herself like a baseball bat
never laid a glove on me
but I was stunned

Her presence hung in the air like a teargas grenade
and I was afraid
she'd rip out my lungs

She inflicted her beauty like total war
no prisoners
no mercy

carried the weight of it effortlessly
like an athlete running.
She defined - stunning!

 

 

 

Author notes

Some women just have it.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • lesoriginale
    August 26

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    Really great description was taken straight from beginning, you can really tell you were struck at some point by this woman and your few words spoke effortless volumes, great the way you use war terms and themes as metaphors to strike the impact this woman had on you, very effective, slightly disappointed by last line. "She defined stunning"- the poem defines stunning, this woman you write about, it takes away from it slightly, like explaining something eloquently, poetically and then giving a simple unfascinating summary, the rest impressive.


  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy silver member
    May 17
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    Great metaphor use in this >W<... all the imagery there for me to see, from your words.

    This gave me the feel of like a women entering...she doesnt even have to speak a word, make one movement. her simple presence has you silenced in so many ways...

    Well thats what I got from it...I just loved how you described everything

    A stunning piece >W<


    Cindy


  • Windhover gold member
    April 29
    Edit | Reply

    < Does it work?

    Yes, you're right to point out that it's never just about physical beauty, you see that every day of the week. But I encountered this woman today and the occasion made it instantly clear how overused the word 'stunning' is in this regard. There were three men talking animatedly when she walked into the room - and immediately there was a silence that was like reverence. None of us could really speak until she had gone. None of us had to. Each knew exactly why and what was going on. Yet none of us could REALLY explain what it was about her. Whatever it was - there was no mistaking it. Talking to her, of course, was completely out of the question!
    All of which discusses the point which inspired the poem. I wonder did you think the poem worked at expressing this feeling of stunned awe we all felt? Did the rhyme and repitition drive the point home or did it feel contrived?Thanks for looking in as always. Hope the hangover's .. over. Have a good one. >W<

1 - 5 of 5