Excuse me Old Friend,
as I piss into the wind.
The splash of urine,
is somewhat more refreshing
than your cynicism.
Remember, you, those days?
The euphoria of youth,
the dreams we had,
as rich in wit as we were in coin?
Oh, how time has shaped
what we've become!
Our father would be proud,
should he remember our face.
Reviews
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I love the title and the intro. I also like how the river of forgetting is likened to a stream of piss. There's a tension here between the classical and sublime on the one hand and the contemporary and profane on the other.
The language feels very natural and conversational. That's why it's surprising to hear you say "Remember,you, those days?" this sounds very colloquial.
Perhaps the middle gets a little cliche-- how time has shaped/ what we've become." I like rich in wit as in coin" but wonder if you were rich as a child.
I like the end as it brings us back to the theme of forgetting/remembering. (our face should be our faces).
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for the comment, I often end up making poems that fail to give all the information they require. I should work on that, but no, I was not rich as a child and I was very naive.
As for face/faces, I originally ended it in faces, but realized that this is actually a conversation I'm having with myself, so face ended up seeming appropriate for me. Thanks again for the comment!
-RD
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I'm not usually humbled, yet by such a simple piece of art!
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This is a real different take on nostalgia. The opening gets you sitting up and taking notice. Don't know that the "you" is necessary in the sixth line.
The fourth stanza rings true, well said. "Our father" threw me, as it put into question whether you're speaking of the natural father or God. and whether this is your brother or sister if it is the natural father. Well done though, MJ. Rewarded 8
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Yeah, I was unsure about the you as well, I'm not really sure why its there, it sounded good to me but I'm having my doubts.
As for the father line, its hard for me to portray, but this poem is a conversation with two halves of myself, I'm still considering some change to this one so hopefully I'll find a way to reveal that bit of information a little better, while keeping my usual amound of
subtltey.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment -RD
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Great title, which is ironic to reader when they start to read the poem. I liked the simplicity of the poem which added to the poignancy of it's meaning.
. Rewarded 4
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hey rd
this was enjoyable, i read your response to a comment that you leave information incomplete and for this i think its ok. i think youthful friendships are built on cynicism which you can't duplicate when you get older.
dave. Rewarded 4
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angry poem RD!!
Brilliant sarcasm in the last two lines. Very probing!
But didnt get whats River Lethe. Googled it up. Nice mythological reference... but i wonder how many can spot the relevance, if they do not know about the river.
dearchicago
May 28