Hello, I used to be human
I used to have meaning.
Hello, I believed
in a higher power once,
I gave myself to love.
Hello, I'm not trying
to speak in riddles,
I'm just saying
I'm real close
to the end I've
always admired and known.
Hello, I'm not wanting
to leave you in the dust,
but my heart, it is as
good as done; a popular rush.
Generations are taking shape
left gasping in the dust
and decades blur into one another.
I fit into none.
All I know is that I love.
All I know is that I love
and I long
for such a meaningless cliche
to be mutual.
Hello, I used to be
a child of chemicals.
Hello, I used to have
instruments speak for my composure.
Hello, I once composed my tears.
Hello, hello,
I'll tear you open,
you knew it a long time ago.
Tried to give you the truth
too fast and you wanted it slow.
Hello, my name is no one.
I'm quite pleased
to meet you, you know.
It's so nice to see you.
A pill and a promise later
I'm wide-eyed in a white dress,
hands crossed over my chest.
Wouldn't you look at me?
I'm so pretty,
with pupils large enough
to swim in; lose yourself,
like you said last Sunday.
I'll welcome you in,
to see all your sight
stands to allow.
I miss you like childhood.
You're a fond memory,
stretching out my skin
for different occassions
and further meanderings
of the soul,
listen to the soil;
hello.
Reviews
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I see alot of connections here.
At the beginning, referring to "the end", being related with dust, which is what all being eventually return to, and soil, at the end of the poem. Soil being where we are buried, as well as being considered almost the same as that with dust.
Another connection being:
"but my heart, it is as
good as done; a popular rush."
Likely coincides with:
"and decades blur into one another."
This connection makes it seem as if the past decades have been such a rush that they blur in one at this particular moment in time.
Not only this, but also:
"Tried to give you the truth
too fast and you wanted it slow."
Fits perfectly with the heart/rush theme.
Another connection here I seem to catch is:
"to swim in; lose yourself"
and
"I'll welcome you in,
see all your sight stands to allow"
It's as if you link your pupils being large enough to swim in, or lose yourself, as to the entrance of being welcomed in, and to see what makes you, you. And, in essence, doing this should make one lose themselves.
Overall, I get a detached and near-morbid feel from this, with a tickle of compassion for the present, and all events otherwise negative leading up to this moment.
You have 2 extremities themed here as well, love and death, as well as comparing slow and fast.
Though, there are probably a few words that could be changed, perhaps moved, and some added?
"Hello, I used to have
instruments speak for my composure.
Hello, I once composed my tears."
This seems repititious using compose/composure so closely, and the third line stands out, it needs another line after it, linking the comment about tears as to perhaps why, or a more accuracy feeling as to why?
Still quite lovely, especially taking 2 different articles and combining them and somehow weaving them together.
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You are understanding all the major connections, I like that and thank you.
Though I meant to use 'composed' and 'composure' very close toghether. Take it as you wish, I suppose.
If I could reveal an accurate feeling as to why I would burn all my bridges, I would spoil the whole thing; if you understand. Or I'm just not making any sense.
Thanks, Ron.
Kristin
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This poem was written with the sound of re-introduction. I say 're' since it narrates a past. Though the re-introduction is narrated from death (that's what it seems to me). I suppose its the latter half of the poem that gives that away. The idea of being in the white dress after suicide (a pill and a promise later). The said part ties with the first stanza, implying that in death the person is no longer human and is without meaning.
There's a lot to take from this poem. There's that apology part wherein the narrator explains of not 'wanting to leave you in the dust.' Saying there was no intention to that. Then the statement 'all i know is love' is such a powerful and naked statement. It leaves the reader with an impression of strength and weakness, all in one phrase. Weakness in that all the narrator knows is love and nothing more; and a strength because the confession is stark and the fact that the narrator only knows love---the great abstract makes it strong.
The transition from being someone, to slowly becoming nothing and eventually to death leaves this poem as a 'rite of passage' to a life that shouldn't be anyones path.
This is somewhat dark and sarcastic. The 'hello' isn't used in the context of a greeting, but almost as hissing bite to the world that doesn't recognize. I don't know. There's a sense of hopelessness and cynicism to this poem. The repetition of hello is effective.
-iphios -
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Hey, phige
As usual, and it's no surprise to me by now, you've caught everything I intended here.
It is a dark sarcastic piece. Seems to be all I could turn out in my time away from writing.
Thank you for such a developed critique.
cat
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hey saresa
this was a very powerful piece that i read over twice which it deserves to be. my interpetation is the soul speaking to one after they've crossed, maybe an explanation of some ideals that didn't reach fruition, but it mirrors many conversations (many of us i'm sure) have with ourselves when we can't reconcile why we fall so short. you've captured something very special here.
dave -
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Hey, dave
Long time no see. Thanks for taking a look at this one. Some editing still needs to be done. Now it's just a matter of figuring out where and how this will be done.
Thanks again
Kristin
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"I miss you like childhood."
What a beautiful line.
The form gets a little iffy towards the middle and then it comes back together, it kind of messed up the flow for me.
But overall, it really touched me. Great writing.
. Rewarded 4
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i love it and thats all i can say! great piece, absolutely great
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I got this like letter to oneself feel from this
i like that most of it is truth from the writer, written poetically and given depth aswell
Cindy
. Rewarded 4
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This is your most beautiful piece yet. Since reading it, the line 'I miss you like childhood' has been playing over and over in my mind. And I ask myself, 'Who is she referring to?'
The whole thing has a mantra-like quality to it. It's like a whirlpool. I love it.
I would give it a more thorough review, but I'm in an internet cafe and these things have time limits =/
Take care.
Samwise -
hey kristin
hey there long time no chat LoL. anyways. how ya been?? me not too good, just broke up with the selfish, immature little material girl. All she ever bitched about was money and how i would continue to text her when we would make plans or something and she would cancel without calling. oh yea they have a phrase for that, being stood up LoL. so enough of that bullshit cus its over and this is SUPPOSED to be about your poem haha. i liked it, thought it was a little too long and kinda let the reader distract themselves with mundane things at home, like a pop up or something new to drink LoL. Maybe making it into two poems, part 1 and part 2, or just cutting some stuff out. but overall I liked it, good to talk to ya again and yes, MM is back and will be writing now that thet THE FEMALE NAZI IS GONE!!!!
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Hello?!
I think this poem excels!
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Emotional and Amazing!
wow this is so vivid and i can really imagine how you are feeling. I really like the repetitive 'hello' it give a sense of desperation or perhaps numbness?
. Rewarded 4
June 15