Since we're so far apart
I'd like you to
write me
no
not like that
I mean stick your
dirty little pen
in the ink-bottle of
my being
and scrawl it all over
the page
spill some ink
get your fingers dirty
don't clean it up
write longhand and don't stop
swirls on the capitals
please
don't dot the i's
or cross the t's
make the words
colourful
but keep the sentences
short
cuss and swear
invent your own grammar
do it your way
think of all the things
your English teacher
used to say
don't do
then go there
write me a lover
write you
as the love interest
write me a story
don't let me know
the ending
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Simply beautiful.
Man, you do come up with the goods sometimes, this is transcendently lovely. I am speechless with admiration - now there's an effect for ye.
I'm with the others about the dirty fingers bit.... and agree" one of your best.
Keep the faith, mate.
xRA -
hey!
this is a really wonderful write about writing and letting it all out, without even telling all of it. this reminds me of myself - mysterious. and i think, that mystery will keep people interested.
as to my writing, i learned this from you and the rest of our good friends here in SP....to write about one thing that could mean a lot, or the other way around. to tell the reader what you mean, and then...not.
love it! the ending is especially dramatic.
smiles (or smirks),
lynne
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What?Who?How?When?Why?
Mysterious indeed encryptedthoughts! Where the **** have you been! Whatever..wherever.. nice to see your face in my place. Glad you like this one because it's one of my favourites. >W<
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Breath taking...
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Windhover thanks for engaging my thoughts and for examining the possibility of a redraft - it is a graciously received compliment indeed. I really like the new direction this takes on now.
The English teacher stanza throws me a bit, the content repeats a little from the previous stanza, but more of a concern is how, by referencing the teacher and schooling, it almost applies an age to the protagonists (schooling teens) which is a touch unsettling in context of the poem. I understand the message is ‘break the rules’ and wonder if this could be achieved in the theme of the poem but avoiding this possible interpretation?
There is a term I have only recently come to know (what an educational marvel DVD’s are!) - it may be well known and therefore clichéd and unusable, but, I think it would fit well with this piece particularly in the penultimate couplet: “sleeping dictionary”: ‘write me a lover, you a sleeping dictionary’. As I understand it, it was a term coined by the British when they were colonizing Malaysia. As new British males arrived they needed to learn the local language, Bahasa, so they took a local girl as a ‘partner’ who became their ‘sleeping dictionary’
In the pen and inkbottle stanza perhaps something like ‘quill’ or ‘nib’ may present an opportunity to subtly add to the double entendre.
Lastly, to create a little enjambment and offer two meanings to the final line you could consider a break:
don’t let me know
the end
Again I thank you for considering my comments, as always they are offered in good faith. They are only my thoughts (which in re-reading I seem to splash an erratic disordered manner and with terrible spelling and grammar!) it is never my intent to try to direct a writer, and I know you don’t view it as such, that is why I enjoy reading and commenting on your (and a few other poets here) work.
Great work,
Rgds
hobby
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Hi there,
This seems to have been written at two different times, there is a distinct difference in the opening stanza (up to S6) from those thereafter. Each are please in their own way, with the first six holding a little more appeal to me.
For me the connotations are stronger. The fact they don't rhyme keeps an edge to them.
The content and construction of lines such as: “make the words colorful but keep the sentences short” is close to masterful (and that’s just about as good as it gets!).
Then the flow, the construction of the stanzas and the content seem to take on a more jovial feel, as if you had come to stop and were trying to keep break the inertia. I think there is so much more possibility to the later half of this piece than what has been developed so far.
The later stanzas would work as part of a separate piece following the is the same lighter versed nature, entertaining but perhaps less engaging.
I don’t know what plans you have for this but I do hope you revisit ‘that place’ which inspired the opening lines and develop the close from there.
All the best
hobby
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Considered Comment.
Hi Hobby, long time. Your review is perceptive and considered. I appreciate that and so I went and had a look at this (a pet poem of mine) again. I think you may be right about the change of tone and I wanted to at least look at how your suggestions might work. So I've paid you the (substantial, in my book) compliment of rewriting some of the second half, trying to replace the 'jovial'(never what I was aiming for) feel with some more 'edge'. Maybe you'd let me know what you think. >W<
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This is so cute. I like how it starts and ends. (and of course the middle part too). it seems like a really different kind of poem than im used to reading, so way to be unique...nice subject. Great job expressing it!
Like it,
Adie -
Absolutely Great
Verily, verily my friend, this is without doubt one of the best pieces I have read in many years of reading poetry on the internet. It's most professional.
You must have a gift. One of the few times a piece has left me breathless, with not one teeny weeny nit pik.
Thanks for sharing. I'm in your fan club!
Rich
. Rewarded 6
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I love the subject used here >W< ..this has your smooth flow to it.
I liked this the most -- spill some ink
get your fingers dirty
don't clean it up
maybe it's the cheeky me , maybe not, I just like it hehe
Good to read something from you again my friend
Cindy
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Overflow?
Cin, you'll be amused to know the only reason I wrote that in was because my pen ran out and I made a real mess trying to refill it (I always write with an old-fashioned fountain pen with a plunger activated reservoir - I love the ritual of filling it from the ink bottle - but it can and does get messy sometimes!) I suppose it was sort of an 'overflow of consciousness! Glad you liked it. >W<
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hey john
i concur with ski on flow and all. you seem to have the ability to give just the right amount of information. also i like the topic of the lost art of letter writing, which makes me long for the days before email.
dave. Rewarded 4
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awwww, this is amazing! One of your bests, in my book anyway. The flow is nice and it a great read. I only wish that someone had written something like this for me. It's really cute (omg, I feel like such a girl! =/)
Nicely done,
Ashley
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