Born as a caterpillar.
Will I ever become a butterfly?
Am I too lowly for your love?
And too slimy for your eye?
Relentless your resolve
To change what I am.
You say it's for my best.
And I believe in your scam.
Struggling in my cell
My unworthy self I hide.
So that I become
Who you can truly pride.
If I had to die today
And Of me what you have seen.
Will you then have loved
So far what I have been?
Will you miss my yearning
To rid you of your grief?
Or will you rue the fact
Of things I didn't achieve?
Born as a caterpillar.
Will I ever become a butterfly?
Can you not see my beauty
If I crawl
...instead of fly?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
The first stanza is really good. S2L4 needs to get lost because it's obviously there for rhyme's sake. S3L2&4, S4L2&4 are contrived inversions. Then S5L4 that pesky rhyme thing again. The last stanza is ok, but not strong. Maybe you should consider a rewrite?
L. Rewarded 6
-
-
Well, first things first. I am a compulsive rhymer. I try to strike the balance between rhyming naturally and forcing rhymes... Over time the rhymes have become more and more natural, and less and less forced. But the problem with us rhymers is that a lot of free verse writers tend to accuse of forceful rhyming where it feels most natural for us. For example you mentioned S3L2&4 and S4L2&4... Inversion is a legitimate and an artistic poetic tool, regardless of rhyming. Even free verse writers use that. Only the prose-poetry writers don't use inversion. And while I don't have anything against them, likewise, I would expect them not to hold a grudge against me.
And S2L4... well if you think it is "obviously" for rhymes sake, then i have failed miserably in conveying my poems message. The poem is about people forcing others to be what they want, claiming that it would be good for the other person as well, which is the scam. THe poem was inspired by a newspaper article I read in which a child committed suicide because he did not get the marks (or grades, if you are an american) that his parents were expecting of him. And the competition these days to get into premiere education institutes in my country, as I am sure in every other country, is extremely cut throat. And parents keep pestering and nagging and scaring their children to work and study hard enough to get into those select few institutes. They paint a grim picture of life that will be if their children do not achieve that. And that is a scam, perpetrated by parents, the people who hold the highest level of respect and love for most children. And while this fact inspired the poem, I thought that the lines could be interpreted in a situation and context that a reader could relate to. If you could not, my assumption was wrong.
Well, it might seem I am simply being defensive and justifying things I have written. Believe me, that is not the case. I am looking for a better ending. And in fact, I am thinking of putting the last stanza as the first one and coming up with a better flowing conclusion. I always struggle with that.
And btw... S5L4 is my favourite line in the whole poem. So I am going to stick with that.
Thanks
Cheers
HM
-
-
I wonder who you are addressing in this poem - someone who is rejecting you and you feel you have to change for them to be worthy of thier love? Or am I mistaken?
. Rewarded 4
-
-
good question to ask. The poem was actually written after I read a newspaper article about parents pushing their kids too hard for academic and extra-curricularachievements. One kid I read about, committed suicide when he couldn't clear the exam that his parents wanted him too. Instead of facing them, he decided to kill himself.
Hope that clears it up a bit.
-
-
hey himanshumodi
well done. the catapiller to butterfly is one of most used metaphors-but from the "one day you'll turn into a beautiful butterfly" aspect, i think here your asking am i good eneough the way I am? very unique perspective.
Dave. Rewarded 4
-
-
Perfectly interpreted Dave!
Thanks for appreciating the twist in the standard metaphor
-
-
hey HS
i like the poem and the words you used them. I didnt agree with some of the phrasing and the ways you put the words together in a sentence so you could fit a rhyme in. I thought that was beyond your talent level of writing. But then again u could have wanted to rearrange them for some other reaason. That's really all I have to say about this piece. Very good imagery. I didn't like the ending at all...
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Thanks MM, for giving me the benefit of doubt that I would have had my reasons for phrasing the words as I did!
And also immense thanks for saing "beyond my talent of writing", really made me feel good about myself
And the ending. I agree... I need to rework on that. I am planning on shifting the last para as the first one. And not repeat the caterpillar-butterfly metaphor, I think it drives home the point the first time round itself. It will also give me more room to maneuver with the concluding stanza
Cheers
HM
-
-
I really really love this!
"Born as a caterpillar
Will I ever become a butterfly"
That was just beautiful. And I could feel emotion coming out of it. Wonderful. Love it!
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thanks TBR... Yeah, its a heart rending imagery isnt it. Someone grossing out at the sight of a caterpillar, and when it becomes a butterfly, oogling over it. Acceptance of people as they are is a great virtue. And very rare as well.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
