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Soot

Like tiny pieces of fire
We leaped into the unknown,
Escaping things we had done
And things we will do.
A fear as fleeting as life itself,
Golden
Like the sweet elixir
Of eternal youth,
Lifting us to a new glory
As we made that fateful arch
Only to bring us quickly,
Shattering
Back to earth
Back to pain.
Thoughts that are brittle and sharp.
Cold,
Shapeless forms on the hearth
We search for answers and relief.

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Reviews


  • skipeople gold member
    July 1

    Edit | Reply
    Hello

    I like this. It has interest and nice descriptions. The flow is okay, but I like the idea of it all; everything fits together.

    Good job,
    Ashley


    • ObviouslyFineArt
      July 1
      Edit | Reply
      Aw thank you! I totally get what your saying about the flow, I'll fix that one day lol.


  • Windhover gold member
    July 3

    Edit | Reply

    Poetic thought

    Hi O. and a very warm welcome to Sharepoetry. I like this. The title drew me to it and rightly so. The idea that lives/loves are sparks which become 'soot' is quintessentially poetic and for me, poetic thought or conceit is the heart of all good poetry.
    It had one or two 'bumps' for me and I thought it could be trimmed down just a little but overall it was nicely written. 'The sweet elixir of eternal youth' is a mix of two different myths and is overkill. I'd drop 'eternal'. 'As we made that fateful arch' I'm sure is meant to be describing the line of flight of your travelling 'sparks'. If so, the word you want is 'arc' and I suggest 'as we drew that fateful arc'. A fine poem from, I suspect, a real poet. >W<