Oh, if I agree
with everything you say,
will you always be with me,
and never go away?
Will you be the one
I write poetry for?
Will you validate me, Hun?
Like my ex did before?
Will I ever have
the magic I had with him?
He laughed at my jokes,
thrilled to my poetry,
loved my stories.
If I do all that for you,
Will you love me?
Author notes
Just another in an endless series of lost love poems dedicated to my ex.
How is the rhyming scheme on this poem? What can I improve?
Comments
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The last stanza
I love it. What a powerful opening line! I was hoping you would maintain that sort of poignancy throughout and for the most part you did. The ending is a little trail off ish. Which is something I am an expert on because I do that all the time. I think with tiny chisel to the last stanza separating it into two and adding a bit it would be perfect. I am only offering that opinion because you requested it in your Author's Note. Thank you for posting this it is certainly a good piece with a lot of potential.
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Well...
in the first and second stanzas the rhyme is fine in my opinion. In the third I don't see it. I have suggestions I will share. The rhythme is off a bit in spots. I think if you revise a little you can make it work. Here the way I see it in my humble opinion: first stanza's fine.
Sencond - rhythm is off. Consider this:
Will you be the one
I write poems for
Will you validate me, Hun
like my ex before
Third - rhythm and rhyme. Consider this:
Will I ever have
the magic like with him
I truly do desire
that feeling once again
He laughed at my jokes
I didn't need to coax
He thrilled at my poetry
loved my every story
If I do all of that for you
are you going to love me too
Like I said that's just the way I see it but You asked so I thought I'd offer. Sorry about the situation in general. Been there done that. How much should we need to bend over backwards to be loved? Good luck. -
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Wow! You improved this poem by 100%. Thank you for the rewrite! I'll definately re-edit this.
And you are so right: what the *#@*+) do we got to do to get love in this insane world? Somebody please tell me! But don't worry about me; boyfriend and I broke up long ago. I think we all been there, done that. (sigh).
Thanks for the re-write, and I'll read your poems, too.
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My heart is filled with both hope and hurt for you. So wanting of someone yet so in need of validation... I know how that is. I think this is beautiful.
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked my poem. For me, poetry is all about expressing the hurtful emotions as well as the silly ones. I love writing funny poems, but this one expressed what was really in my heart. And yes, I crave validation. Thank you for reading it. I'll read your poems, too.
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The irony is killing.
... how come it lives so close to the ecstacy of loving??? This is a mystery. Between us I hope we'll solve it... Best RA -
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How'ya doin' RiverAlex? Thanks for commenting on Neediness Poem. Sorry it took so long to reply to you. I'm never on the Net these days.
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