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Lucky Numbers

No truth, no purpose, no definition
One dream with no ambition
Two leaves with one dying flower
Three seconds ticking at the speed of an hour

Three nickles and one dime
Buys a piece of gum and more time
Four corners to make a square
Stuck in a box full of dispair

Five raging storms make summer a better season
Six simple steps to complicate a reason
Seven lucky winners indulging in greed
Eight layers of apprehension in order to succeed

Nine more lifes to annihilate
To discover a place to reciprocate
Ten more rollercoasters to ride
Until prosperity and adversity collide.


..... A journey through the hell we create for ourselves.....

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Comments


  • CarlySeye
    August 14
    Edit | Reply
    I LOVE your use of numbers here! really inspired piece. No criticism from me, it is perfect!


  • marcusmoore silver member
    August 6

    Edit | Reply

    hey there MallaM

    Sorry about the mistake just there, and welcome to SP. I liked what you were saying here in this poem, I liked the type of language that you used and I liked the tone of the poem. However, being a rhymer and self-proclaimed lyricist, I have found in writing poetry it helps the rhythm or flow of the poem if the METER of the poem is correct, Alot of people get confused here LoL. SO if you are don't worry. Meter is basically the syllable count between two or more rhyming lines, if you want your poem to flow well then the syllable in line number one that ends with a word that's going to be rhymed in the second line, both of those lines must contain the same (maybe give or take a syllable, if you can pull it off) but you want the numbers to match for a perfect flow. That's the only problem I've had with this poem, and with this one relying so heavily on the rhymes I'd say it's a big problem. But don't be discouraged this is your chance to grow and learn as an artist. I went through this phase just a few months ago myself LoL so it should be relatively fresh in my brain still. Don't hesitate to ask questions if you get confused or if you just wanna talk, I'm here to help. And as I'm sure you'll find there are many nice helpful people here who will gladly help you sharpen your artistic writing skills. I've found the best way to get people to read your poetry is to read theirs LoL, but of course leave a comment on what you thought of the poem, being brutally honest and as constructive as possible. B/c that's the main reason we're all here, to grow. So if you leave constructive criticism in your comments people will gladly take your advice into mind and maybe even take up your suggestions. Hope to hear from you soon and I hope to see some more of your poetry posted on here soon. It was very nice reading this piece of yours and I hope I can help in some way. Hope to hear from ya in the future as well.

    TTYL
    MM