Clubs closing
Music fades
I watch you drink your last round
It's 7 to 4
The 8th hour you've been out on the town
your eyes glazed
your heel broke
stop to take a step outside
for your last minute smoke
You sing off key
as strangers pass
you still think you're it
but they just laugh
The rain is falling
your head is spinnin
you say tonight's
the worst it's ever been
you stumble fast
so we take it slow
you always promise tonight's
The last
But your addiction only knows
should I continue it??? and what should I tweak?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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I think you ahve the right idea goign for you. The last two lines in the second verse kind of run long, it like forces the flow to stretch.
The rest is great though. I can picture the woman acting as a drunk fool. It is actually how many people act, thinking they are so great, but in the end just another drinking loser.
Ashley
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my favorite is the last stanza....
but it's an amazing poem....
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That's the best way to write...
Let an idea come to you then go with the flow. I'm not sure what you mean by continue. Make it longer? No. Tweek it and keep it? Most definitly! This is a good poem
.It has a solid foundation. It has a good story to it. It has a great point to make. Start at the top and work your way down. Are you ready for this? Ok. Here are a few things I would suggest. They are only my opinions. You may or may not like them. Top two lines are really one: Clubs closing...music fades - your third line is kind of choppy. I like it but it's also too long. Consider tightning it. Drink down your last round. Maybe even drop out the {down} I don't know what lines three and four mean, but then I'm slow. Is it something that could be clearer? Or were you working to find a rhyme? If that's the case what about -
Almost two, way too late, - Ten till two, way too late.
for another round. - please, put that down Look at you...you're feelin' great.
Tell me now, what truth you found. At the beginning of your second stanza you've got your beginning two lines in a row. I'm told that's not good. Look for options. They should actually be a tad longer to keep the rhythm of the ones below. Play the rearrange game.
Your eyes are glazed - Eyes look glazed- Glazed over eyes
A heel just broke -Your heel just broke- You crack a joke
Next line confuses me. Is this someon who works in the bar stopping for a break maybe? If so it needs to be a little more clear. It doesn't sound like it is though cause your leavin'. HHMMmmmm
You sway so bad, I hold you close
At the door, you just stop.
One last look, at the clock.
Now you stop to light a smoke
I like the third stanza but you need to lose {still} it gives it an extra beat and throws the rhythm off. Forth stanza's good except {spinnin} and {been} don't tie in very well. Here's an easy fix: Your head spins- try reading it that way and notice the difference. Last stanza needs a little work. How about:
One more promise, Now you promise, Another promise,
you'll let it go. to let it go. but it shows...
Well X. I hope you can find something you can use in all this mess. Play around with different combinations. Feel for the rhythm. See what you can come up with. Good luck!
Ok, that's it, I've done my worst. Now I've got that writers curse. Head is ache'n'. My eyes, they burn...
for some sleep I surely yearn!
Ok! That's it! I did my best. Now I have to get some rest
My fingers hurt! Eyes are dry, any more and I might cry.
My back is hurting! Head is too. That's it no more. I said I through! I'm tired, and crabby...plain worn out.
Any more will make me shout! But X. you know without a doubt, sometime that's what it's all about.
BKB
skipeople
August 12
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