She sits in the corner,
head to her knees.
Crying for the pain to go,
crying for some small relief.
And she looks into the mirror,
noticing the tears.
As the anger flows from
both her eyes,
this just isn't her year.
Reaching for the pen and pad,
she begins to write.
mom and dad, I love you both,
but life's not worth this fight.
She throws them both,
crawls to her bed,
screaming out her lungs.
"No, I never wanted this to happen,
I never wanted this to end.
But now it seems I've been forgotten,
there's no use, I'll never win."
She hides under covers,
face to the door.
Begging for someone
to come open it.
Waiting for forever,
no one seems to pass
and in that time, she reaches
for that pen and pad.
Mom and dad, I love you both,
but life's not worth this fight.
never did I stop to think
my life was on the line.
No, I never wanted this to happen,
I never wanted this to end.
But now it seems I've been forgotten,
there's no use, I'll never win.
Is it finished to you?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Great
You do a great job of bringing us into the poem. The end leaft me hanging but it allows the reader to explore the poem, figuring out the message.
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no
ooooooooo I'm harsh on lyrics....
well. I like how you rhyme knees and relief, I almost didn't notice, they didn't rhyme... it sounded like Relive I think when I read it. but I like the unliklihood of that. I would take the word " and " out of the second verse. sometimes, you feel like you should add more, but this is a girl losing it, you should leave some more loose. At "As the anger flows from
both her eyes"
it seems a bit awkward...I get what you mean, and I like it...but if you could work to find some way to re-word it. I dunno what much can be done, maybe just leave it. oh wait! just say " both eyes" I don't think you need the "her"
and...............
"Reaching for the pen and pad,
she begins to write.
mom and dad, I love you both,
but life's not worth this fight.
She throws them both,
crawls to her bed,
screaming out her lungs."
I think you use the word " both" more than you should, I noticed that right away.
I like this. The feel, the rhythem. minor tweaks, re-wordings...and I think you should add more verses
I like it Ski
thumbs up
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i do like how it ends but maybe it needs a little more plot in between beginning and end? or maybe some tweaking to make it flow a bit better.
in general i really like it. i love the use of repetition and dialog. that really adds to it. and the state of mind seems really clear--if you feel that way then it makes sense, if you don't then good job getting into someone else's head.
good job,
adie -
It could go either way.
It seems final. I'm not going to critique on the rhythm because that's not what you asked about. I hope that you just did an awesome job of thinking this way for the poem. If you truely feel the way this poem describe the emotions being felt... KNOCK KNOCK can I come in?
August 16
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