He speaks to her
with words of care.
She slowly
starts to melt.
He pats her arm
to catch a touch,
she doesn't understand.
Then out he comes
with a word so strong,
nothing else is heard.
Her thoughts say no.
Her mind, a maybe.
Still, she lets
him do his work.
One by one,
clothes come off,
falling to the floor.
Even with the sheets,
she feels the world can see
the dirty little act
she was forced to receive.
And with her young viriginity,
pride goes out the door.
This should have never happened,
she feels like such a whore.
Reviews
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I liked it
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liked it
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i disagree...though its hard to say any poetry sucks, but ur msg is clear and well written...isnt that what matters when creating? great work short and simple to understand.
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this is a touching subject, very meaningful and i have friends that have been through the same experience. it's not "crappy" at all; loosely structured, but it works well as it is.
the phrase "she lets him do his work" is very strong, and distateful- she is an object in "his eyes", and very unwilling. and the idea that, even under the covers, she feels naked to the world emphasises this very well.
very thought provoking, but handled delicately
dcp
xxx -
hey ski
this sounds terribe, not the poem but what happened to your friends. I'll guess they'll make sure that, that won't happen to them again, until they find a nice guy who really cares about them, right?
dave -
sorry for your freinds
....................um
well......
hmm.
I can't find the flow of this......
like, I can't tell if it's a poem or song. I'm pretty sure it's a poem...but the words are akward to say, with all the comma's everywhere....the plot and the ubject, very easy to point out, but the poem feels akward...you need to put more emotion into it rather than "And with her young viriginity,
pride goes out the door.
This should have never happened,
she feels like such a whore."
hehe, love you ski, for sures.............but it sounds like a really bad country song....
I'm being like so harsh i know....
<< for myself.
i know at the begining your all " IT"S JUST A FREE WRITE, and I KNOW IT SUCKS" ( not as bold and loud though) but, I think if you tweaked it, added more words, took out a couple comma's made the lines longer and elabortaed more on the feelings that the girl is feeling and what she is thinking ( especially of herself) I think you could provoke alot in people..........
so tweak it, and for sure, it'll be fabulous....flamming fabulous....lol..
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Yet again I've found a poem...
that I love to hate. I don't hate the structure, because I don't know anythng about structure. I don't hate that every little bit doesn't rhyme like a lot "have to", because sometimes saying what you want to convey is more important than a ryhme. There is a lack of rhythm in spots that make me "stumble" when I read it. Those could be fixed if you wanted and even if you don't I don't hate them. What I love to hate about it is the story. This never should have happened. That line says so much. If it makes her feel that way it's not love. That the shame of it. Because when it's love it's the most amazing and beautiful thing. There should never be a need for regret at that moment. As for it being crappy. No it's not crappy. It's a good poem. Could it use a little work? Maybe. If you're happy with it the way it is leave it and stop reading now. If not here are a few suggestion. In the third stanza you have a rhythm promblem I "stumble" every time I read it. Consider this:
Then out it comes,
a word so strong,
nothing else is heard.
The next two lines confuse me. Her thoughts and her mind are the same thing aren't they? It also has a rhythm problem. What do you think about:
Her thoughts say no,
then, a maybe,
Still, she lets him
do his dirty work.
To be honest the Still at the beginng causes a problem. When you read it that way you you have to take a breath after still before you continue. That interupts the rhythm of the line. I'm not sure if it would carry the meaning you want but it would be smoother if you switch it to:
She still lets him
The two {Ls} run together when you say it that way which removes a beat. Again in the sixth stanza you have a rhythm problem. I read it over and over. I finally closed my eyes and quit thinking and waited. This is what I saw:
Even here within the sheets,
she felt the world could see.
the dirty little act,
she was forced to receive.
Now if you like these ideas please feel free to use them. Or you can slam this book called:
How I Think Your Poem
Could Be A Little Better
and tell me I've got a lot of nerve.
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i like it
You said it was a freewrite... and even so I don't find it to be bad. I feel that being a freewrite it is being judged a bit too heavily by everyone... yes, even you Mr. Balzer ;-) Sorry bro. haha I dunno... I like it and I feel it describes perfectly something that happens to way too many girls in their youth... lead to believe they are loved and then left in the dirt... it's sad.
DrkAngel
September 5
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