I remember late nights in the park now lost
to countless summers ago.
They devour me so, I'm digging a hole
that I can get comfortable in.
In June, everything happens
and the world finally wakes up.
I find myself lost, saluting the cost
that's gonna rob me blind.
I lose myself to thinking
of a simpler time
and bury this recollection
a little further down
the more that I miss it.
I'm knee deep wherever I stand
but soon it will become a fleeing ache,
deflated and taken by today.
Of course, there's no chance in hell
the feeling will ever leave me be.
No, it'll hang around and I'll just hang my head.
I'll surround myself with
the places I have been,
and imagine these people
colour them, paste them in
so it's like I'm really me
and you are really you.
The world continues to sleep late
inside us on Sundays
and remembrance resumes.
I wish I were beside you, I do,
everything happens in June.
Comments
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Saraesa - One would think you were sunk in despair, but I didn't let myself sink with it because I detected a sense of play even in the middle of digging a hole to lower yourself into. And the last two sections reveal the reason for playing with your own mortality - the missing lover. That next to the last section is really fine and in combination with the final couplet with the near rhyme of "resumes" and "June" gives us all some kind of redemption.
A couple of suggestions. Maybe break the first line after "park" and do away with "ago" the meaning is implicit there without it. Also Maybe 'fleeting' in place of "fleeing." Another possible line break would be the last line of the fifth stanza, break after "around"
Anyway, I think this is a clever, playful, and intelligent poem. Cheers, MJ. Rewarded 8
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Hey, mojo, it's nice to run into you again.
I'm pleased to see you understood the playful side of this along with longing.
I'm also pleased to get suggestions. I see how that may make this poem better.
Thanks for leaving me your thoughts, hope all is well with you.
Kristin
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well written although it reeks of loss and resignation which kinda makes me angry.Some haunting lines esp,"The world continues to sleep late inside us on Sundays" and,"
I`m knee deep wherever i stand".Good work.
. Rewarded 4
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Hey there, rhetorica. Don't mean to make you angry
Loss is definitely here, in this poem. Oh, the wonderful things that come from failed relationship. Thanks for leaving a comment and taking the time to read this. Always appreciated.
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Painful to read
But not in the bad way. In the good way. As in it touched me and I sympathized with it. As a reader of course I have no clue as to the origins of this poem but I am capable of one assessment in true form. I can tell this game from something real. It was well expressed and therefore a fine poem. I especially loved this line. "I'm knee deep wherever I stand but soon it will become a fleeing ache,
deflated and taken by today."
I think I can relate to that feeling especially. Thank you for posting this. Its a great piece of work and I look forward to reading more.
. Rewarded 8
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Hey, Enoq. Thanks for reading this and leaving some words with me. I'm glad you enjoyed this, I really am.
-Kristin
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This, for me, reads like a song.. a really good song. I usually stay away from rhyming, assuming the words will come out forced if I try to stick to a pattern but you don't seem restricted at all by your rhymes and I'm finding them pleasing to read, melodic in their way. I always have trouble commenting on poem content but never on choosing my favorite lines, so here they are, if you're curious:
...and imagine these people
colour them, paste them in
so it's like I'm really me
and you are really you.
and..
The world continues to sleep late
inside us on Sundays
but it's lovely - the content - by the way..the feelings you describe are never foreign to me. I love your poems for their tendency to tap into my mind. Thanks for another one.
Anna. Rewarded 8
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Hey, Anna :)
It's really lovely to hear from you, I'm glad you gave me a full review because those are hard to come by.
I'm pleased you liked this, all I could do was smile when I read your comment. Cheesy, but true.
I love that rare occasion when someone reads what I have written and gets me. You figured out that I meant it as a song, I'm happy about that as well.
And you picked the parts that were my favourites. Right on.
Thanks again, really. You made my night
Kristin
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I like what you are trying to express and it is clearly understandable. The main problem for me is that I could not find a flow and the verses are uneven line wise.
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hey, Robin
Thanks for reading and leaving me a comment, I really appreciate that.
I knew as I wrote this that it had an internal rhythm, perhaps one that only I would get and that's fine with me. With most of my poems, when read to yourself they click if you give the words time or perhaps 'pause for effect'. I know this reads like my thought process and so it's easier for me (as I wrote it). But either way, thanks again.
Kristin
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hey saresa
i guess everyone has a June like you speak of when your young and like the weather your in full bloom and bursting with ripeness and vitality and for the rest of your life you have all the associations of that special time, but unfortunately you can never quite recapture it. i think you expressed that well.
dave. Rewarded 6
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hey, dave
You got the main meaning of this, thank you!
I love hearing from you man.
All the best,
Kristin
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really liked this poem, nice gentle flow! soft and simple!
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I think heartache speaks to every one.
I'm sorry but I'm not very good at judging other people's work. Late nights in the park now lost to countless summers ago sparks long ago memories of my own. I can relate in a way. I'll surround myself with the places I have been...tells me you're happier living in your memories than in the present. You're telling a story that reaches readers on a personal level. It conveys emotions that I think most people experience at some point in their lives. I like it but I'm more of a rhyme and rhythm poet. I'm still not sure if my poetry fits in with what I've been seeing. The way I see it you write what's inside you. Some people will like it, some will love it. Some will hate it and still others just won't care. What matters most (in my opinion) is how you feel about it! As for: applaud; and the ratings: form, rhythm, tone, language, subject I'm too sure I would have any idea because I don't know what good or bad is supposed to be. I'm just an uneducated poet.. Rewarded 8
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hey, Brian
Thanks for taking a look at this. Most of my poetry tries to reach out in a personal way, as I find that's just me. I try to understand what's happened and what I've felt years after the fact. I just want to be honest and so I don't always focus too hard on rhyme and rhythm but that's alright, that's my thing. I think you left a pretty good critique for being an 'uneducated poet'.
Thing is, we all are when working with words.
Write as you are and don't worry too much about it, babe. You seem to know what you're talking about enough to me.
Thanks again,
Kristin -
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I appreciate the compliment. I believe your poems was one of the first poems I gave my opinion on. I glad it sounds like I know what I'm talking about. I don't really worry about my style of poetry. I write whatever comes out. Thanks again for the reply. Please feel free to stop in and critique my poetry anytime you please. BKB
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