It's getting closer.
The day of her birth.
She's not here to celebrate.
Our silent tears will fall.
As we remember her life.
It was way too short.
She was a great person.
A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother.
Mother we miss you.
She would tell us not to cry.
My tears would fall anyways.
I'd imagine her voice, in my head.
I try to picture what she looks like,
in her spirit form.
Would I regconize her?
What would she look like now?
What if she was still alive?
All these questions flood my head.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts.
I hadn't realized I had been crying.
I look at the picture of her on my mirror.
I smile as I turn out the light.
My covers are warm, I pull them up over me.
I roll over and close my eyes.
"Goodnight Mommy" I wisper.
Is it good? I like it, but it sounds quite funny to me. Tell me what you think.
Comments
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Bravo!
The best poetry comes from the heart. I don't think I need to say that it is obvious this is one of those works.
My favorite line was:
I try to picture what she looks like,
in her spirit form.
Would I regconize her?
What a soul shaking question. Great job and great poem. Thank you for posting.
I am sorry for your loss.
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yea but...
...as to add to what enoq said about the phrase that is about the afterlife and whether or not you'd be recognized is a great line, but however I have to take the credit for it away from you b/c even if ya didn't know you were doing it, it's from a song...it's a good line...but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think that you stole/borrowed it from Eric Clapton in his song "Tears in Heaven". It seems to be taken right out of that song, moved a few words around and then plopped into your poem. Either way the poem's still nice and I still enjoyed it, but in future references I would either change it more or write in your author notes that your acknowledging your using something very close to the lyrics of a world famous song, or else it just looks like plagiarism. And I don't think you as an author want anybody to think that as everybody who reads this is an author. Just a thought though. I could be the only one who thinks so or I could be the only one saying something b/c this is on such a sensitive subject. Good job on the rest of the poem though, I enjoyed it a lot. Please don't take this the wrong way and think that I'm ripping you down or taking anything away from your poem. I just wanted to make sure you realize how easy it is to get caught up in stuff like that, if somebody else were to see and think you ripped Eric Clapton off I'm sure they wouldn't even leave you a comment. which isn't what we're looking for here. So hopefully this can help you in the future.
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I liked it. It speaks from the heart. I can relate I lost my father. He had lived a long life but it was still too short.
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Hey Twilight Lani
hey der, I like this poem, this was easy to relate to for me b/c I lost my father at a very young age and of course I miss him tons!! So I thought you displayed that pretty well. The 3rd stanza is where I found my first problem. when you make the list: "She was a great person. A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother. Mother we miss you." I think would make it much better if you made the second line in that stanza like this: "She was a great person, daughter, sister, wife, and a mother. Which is why we miss her." that's alot more grammatically correct and it flows better. But like with every comment you will recieve, these are only suggestions and we're only trying to make it the best poem it can be. At the end of the poem you spelled 'whisper' wrong, a simple mistake that doesn't take anything away from the poem, the first one I pointed out kinda stole some of the rhythm, but it's an easy fix. So good luck and I'd love to hear your opinion on some of my poetry if ya get a chance, it would definately be much appreciated. Always nice to have another's opinion on things b/c everybody has different tastes and therefore come up with different ideas on how things could become better or it can affect which parts of poems people find more appealing. Well shit I've babbled on way too long lol and I'm sure you're sick of it bynow. but I like to read long long comments on my poetry so I guess I think other's do too for some reason, It's nice to hear how the poems affects people emotionally and what emotions came up while reading, how long they lasted, and many many more things such as those. Thanks for sharing this with us, It was beautiful and I'm glad you could share such a personal situation. if possible could ya let me know what ya think of "Wednesday's song" you get double points for commenting on a featured poem, so ya fill out a comment, then grade it using the little applause hands, 3 being the best, 1 being the least you can give, or none is for terrible LoL, then you have different topics from one to five that you pick from, that part's self explanatory. Good luck with everything and I'll be looking forward to hearing from ya!! Keep writing b/c this shows alot of promise and I believe I'll become a fan of yours once ya get some more poems up, then we can help one another with comments. Hopefully we both can walk away as friends and learning from one another.
can't wait!!!
TTYL
MM
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