Don't ever fall in love my friend.
You see it doesn't pay
Although it causes broken hearts
It happens everyday.
You wonder where he is at night
You wonder if he is true
One minute you will be happy
The next you'll find your blue.
When you meet your knees get weak
Your heart begins to dance
Your whole world revolves around you
Never works out right.
Then it starts you don't know why
You worry day and night
You see my friend you have lost him
It never works out right.
Love may be fine but,
It hurts to much and the price you pay is high
If I were to choose life or death
I'd rather choose to die.
So again I say don't fall in love
You'll be hurt before your through,
You see my friend I ought to know
I fell in love with you.
By: MistySue
Reviews
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i liked it, especially the flow of it, the rhymes and the structure. i was a bit confused, however, when i got to lines 9, 10 and 11 because the rhyme scheme seems to no longer apply. it should do though. every second line rhymes consistently, but what does 'dance' rhyme with? the 12th line needs to be changed to rhyme with 'dance'; maybe you could say something about romance?
line 18 should perhaps be a bit shorter to fit with the syllables - you could shift some of the first bit of line 18 to the end of line 17, eg 17:'love may be fine but it hurts too much' and then 18:'and the price you pay is high' - that would solve the syllable problem and make the rhyme more obvious.
the subject of the poem is handled well. the last line is effective. i like the way the tone is conversational, but you don't know who you're talking to until the last line.
the rhythm is jaunty, which reels you in to the poem, even though the subject could be called trite. its an interesting take though, nontheless.
overall, a very good start, just a few ammendements needed, in my opinion.
hope this was useful
September 5
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