I Must, Mustn't I?

“it could all fall down around me
just as long as I have you right here by me”
“I’ve been waiting so long to hold you
and be back in your arms where I belong”
I wished
with all I had
to be yours again-
for you to be mine
and now that that wish has been granted
I am dying
and you’ll never understand
because you don’t even care
maybe once upon a time you cared
back when we first started dating
and everything was new
(including
how perfectly
our hands fit together)
I link my hands together
I close my eyes
picturing your hand in mine
and whisper the word “perfect”
unconsciously
[and everything falls apart]
the tears well
and I cannot stop them
they stream
and I am powerless
I reach for my purse
when the “shiny” is hiding
but I pull back
at the last possible second
I promised
so many people
not to hurt myself
but I broke that promise
time and time again
as I carved out your initials
(yeah
I really did)
but I didn’t break my deal with Chris
not to cut last night
though I wanted to so badly
cut so deep the pain was forgotten
cut so deep my pain was gone
but I didn’t cut
and the pain isn’t hiding
it’s new
but old
it’s fresh
but clotting
all I can think about is you
and how it felt to be in your arms
I’ve written these words before
and maybe it’s a little cliché
but I don’t give a shit right now
it’s not worth running, Alex
goddamn it I need you!
please just be mine
and mine alone
you’re all I’ve written about
for quite awhile now
maybe that’s called obsession
but I think it’s called true love
but it’s so obviously only one way
I can’t deal with this right now, Alex
I really can’t
but I must, mustn’t I?