Syrup Boy loved sugar in whatever form it came,
From caramels to candy canes,
He ate sweetness everyday.
He’d have éclairs for breakfast,
With a glass of lemonade,
Followed by pancakes soaked in syrup
Ladled by the spade.
And then he’d lunch on sweetened goods
Eating everything that he could:
He’d have fairy cakes and fizzy pop,
Iced buns with chocolate cake,
Vanilla ice cream with a cherry on top,
Chelsea buns with a cold milkshake.
The sweet consumption would never stop;
Home he’d rush for a supper
Of cookies and sweetbread,
Golden syrup and cocoa;
A delectably sweet spread.
Dessert would be four courses
Of seven different pies,
From blueberry to an apple tart
Of monumental size.
But too much sugar is bad for you, as Syrup Boy found out,
For after a most excessive stint of sweetened food ingestion
A hyper active mood swing sent him through a bout
Of delusional psychosis,
Of temper-fraught neurosis,
Of fanaticised reminisces
From a time of frantic bliss
When nothing was amiss
For he had his candy kiss.
So hyper did he go that day
That he expired from fatigue.
Bubbled up, boiled over,
And now all that’s left of Syrup Boy
Is a sticky spot on the carpet of his dining room floor.
Author notes
a bit of nonsense really
In a list
Comments
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Quirky
This is so cute, well funny really, but it flows amazingly together. I love it very much. It's quick it flows freely & fastly. It's very hard to describe. I really liked how you said "sticky spot of the carpet" I would have never thought to write something like that.
. Rewarded 6
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thanks for the comment- this is one i've been working on for a while to get the metre flowing at quite a quirky, fast pace
dcp
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Good.
I'm very glad that you liked my comment. You seem like a good poet, so maybe you could comment my peom "Flooding Memories" I am despertly wanting some ones view of it.
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A Saccharine Dream From Dirty Clean!
Reading this literally gave me tooth-ache, mate. Syrup Boy indeed! One for the molasses.
An amusing depiction of a sugary addiction-laced affliction. I liked your initial trio of stanzas best I reckon - the quirky AABCBCB rhyme sequence worked well - fittingly eccentric. Rhythm and beat could always be improved - mainly by aligning to a patterned syllable count, perhaps. What you say in each line is witty and engaging but the line-breaks jar at times because of varying length and stress.
In a way its a shame you broke your enticing pattern with the last two stanzas´disorganized free-flow. Again some good lines. Funny! I could easily picture the poor bastard by now! And his tragic demise... Ah well there s a moral in every good tale and your ending plastered a sickly sweet smile to my lips.
Cheers
gG
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Gastronomic!
I like it, it is humorous, flows well and the layout is also fine. Perhaps younger kids should read this and decide that life is not a bag of candy!
. Rewarded 4
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!!!
thats wonderfull! i love the rhymes and the imagery..all the delectables..and my favorite was the sideeffects. i need to show this to my younger brothers.
. Rewarded 4
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Im so hungry for chocolate right now! I love this
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Nonsense Indeed...
but fun none the less! I like the story this tells. It's cute and has bit of a moral to it. Interesting choice for his name. Makes a nice title. I hate to criticize, really I do. But this one needs a little work. I hope you don't mind some suggestions from that damned book called How I Think Your Poem Would Better...because here they come. You need to rearrange your second line. More like -
He ate sweetness everyday, from icecream to candycanes.- that way your {came} and {canes} has a rhyming sound. Although icecream still doesn't sound right to me. Consider {caramels} or {sugar snaps} or something like that. Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for a good rhyme but I like something like - His colesterol was boiling you could almost hear it.- for a fifth line. It not only rhymes with syrup (kind of) but it would tie in with your ending. I like the image of the honey filled buffet but here I go again searching for the rhyme. Maybe - eat all the sugar that he could.- just a thought. I like the description of his supper and the ninth and tenth lines tie it together well. I'd suggest you condense {sugar is} into {sugar's} that helps the rythme of that line. For me line twelve isn't necessary. It breaks the natural rhythm of lines eleven and thirteen. I like the description of the mood swing but I have a suggestion there too. Try switching the {of} and {from} on lines sixteen and seventeen and see what you think. It seems to make more sense to me that way. I love the ending. I think if you "tweek" it a little this will be a great poem. To qoute a poet whos talents I've come to admire: Ofcourse, these are just my opinions and you can either use them or tell me to piss and how dare you question my poem.
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