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[ she lays here ]

she lays here
~broken~
but
beau-ti-ful
bloodied
but oh-so-desirable
she lays in MY bed
in MY room
in MY house
^higher^ than a kite
&& *drunk*er than can be
her wrists are aching
starting to
(bruise)
her legs are quaking
she’s starting to
(lose)
[{consciousness}]
drifting from ~r~e~a~l~i~t~y~
drifting towards the ^clouds^
drifting ‘way from all the : pain :
she’s never coming
D
O
W
N
she’s having her own baby
&& she doesn’t even know
she’s too f*cked up to realize
everyone will know
he beats her senseless
he beats her out of *breath*
he beats and beats and beats her
beats her to her %death%
she lives to have the baby
but she’ll never be “quite right”
he took care of that
when he beat her all that night
(??or did he??)
I guess no one will ever know
what I saw that night
nor will I ever tell
about the big ole fight
[{()}]

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Comments

  • Brian Balzer gold member
    October 15

    Edit | Reply

    Very strong image.

    I've seen this done before with symbols. I'm not putting down your poem so please don't take this the wrong way. I personally find it distracting from the meaning of the poem itself. I've even been told that I have used too many commas on some of my poems and that was distracting to the reader also. I think this is a good poem. Truthfully I think it would be a much better poem without the symbols. Something else I would point out is that you could use the entire profane word if you wanted to (which I think would give strength to that line.) if you gave this an adult rating so that kids can't read it. I hope you're not offended but I wanted to give you my honest opinion.


    • Dirty and Broken
      October 22
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your honest opinion, i really do appreciate it...
      i don't like cussing, so i tend to censor myself...i don't know...
      and, no, i'm not offended
      thank you


  • gingerhall1976 silver member
    October 14

    Edit | Reply
    This is such a powerful write! poignant! It flowed quite well, but I don't understand the use of the symbols, although I am still quite new to this. This is a heart wrenching story, and very thought provoking! Well done!


    • Dirty and Broken
      October 15

      Edit | Reply
      the symbols....the style of writing is Dirty Pretty, but i'm still not sure if i do it right...but i try because i think it looks cool....
      thank you very much for the comment...