A youthful aspiration-
in the hands of a society,
stifled and confused-
by unethical propriety.
A once exuberant dream-
has been tainted now by many,
all in daft pursuit of-
the never ending penny.
A second chance at seeing-
the world for its bright.
was quaffed a second turn-
by humility and blight.
Whims of time are testy-
and often deathly fickle,
all driven and confused-
by the never ending nickel.
My lips, taste dry and bitter-
from the tragically untold.
still yet watching eagerly-
for the answers to unfold.
Emotions swimming while they grow-
most feeling pantomime.
All stories told exclusively-
by the never ending dime.
When third attempt did turn my head-
to vigilance and truth,
A third harsh time it was denied-
by the populous uncouth.
Opinions wide discovered not-
instead fed by reporter.
An industry thats fed indeed-
by the never ending quarter.
A fourth time did not come alas-
for I was now the wiser,
still quite young aspirations none-
and destined to be miser.
Instead of freedom in my heart-
there are lashes from a collar.
My every choice is governed-
by the never ending dollar.
A fifth time possibly could come.
One never truly knows.
My purpose just might quickly change-
the way that the gale blows.
For now I'll have to suffer-
from not knowing what I need.
My heart is all consumed-
by the never ending greed.
Author notes
I have recently updated this with some new thoughts and adding a stanza.
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Amazing!
You're a totally gifted poet, very descriptive. Wonderfully written.=) -
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Thank you
I truly don't deserve that but thank you for the comment and for reading my work. It was fun to write.
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First I read the poem quicky and loved the sound and feel of it. I think I do that often and if it doesn't catch my interest I leave it. Then I reread it and found the wording so clever and it made me smile. Funny thing was, as I read it more closely and understood the words better, it matched the feeling I got from the first read. I think different people like different types of poetry. I think I will like how you write and I want to go on and read more of your stuff and see if I'm right. two2scoops
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4th stanza, first line "a tempt" should be attempt, and the dollar signs are a good idea, but make the poem lose its rythm as it's hard to read
however, i enjoyed this poem immensely- the image of a young person being made into a miser instead of achieving his aspirations is very strong, especially in the present economic climate.
the ending hammers this home as well- "my heart is all consumed by the never ending greed"
too many morals have gone down the pan due to money, and your message here is clear, well written and well received
dcp
xx. Rewarded 8
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I ran it with your suggestions
I think they will improve the read quality thank you
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hey enoq
I had read this poem before, thought I already commented on it, but then I had felt that it could have been more complete if ya filled it out more by adding the dime I think it was, can't remember. But it's good to see that you had done that and also changed the ending. The flow is nicely put together with a good rhythm and I liked most of the rhymes a lot, none really felt forced or were hard to get through and ya rhymed quite often, so that's a definitely a good thing. Can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. Good job, thanks for sharing and hope to hear from ya soon.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Awesome commentary!!! Very impressed. I liked that you used a form of money for each paragraph ending (though I'm missing Dime?
)
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did u change the ending? i like it better. a LOT better.
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thank you
yes I did
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hey enoq
i definetly liked the theme of commercialism being the sole driving force. the ending of each paragraph, a progession of money value was clever. also though i'm not big on rhyme this was well done. however thought the last paragraph was a little forced i.e the college/knowledge seemed like a strech and didn't do the rest of the poem justice.
dave. Rewarded 6
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Changed the end
you might like it better now. -
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hey enoq
i think you did a great job revising the ending which now punctuates the meaning of the poem.
dave
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true
yeah its a work in progress. Thank you for the feedback.
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Rip, rip, rip...
now that that's done. Cool. I found this both entertaining and wise. I like the gentle rhymes. It flows fairly well but might have a couple of "stumbles". Nothing to terrible. I'm not sure where they were now. I think one was {the way the gale blows.}, seems like it could use another beat. Maybe {the way that the gale blows.} I don't know. I love the overall message. I think this is quite well done. Good job. I know you don't generally change your poetry so I'm not going to be offended if you say that's the way it is.
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changed the end
you might like it better now -
Thank you
Not a bad idea for the last stanza. I always appreciate your feedback and view it as helpful suggestion.
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Really good. I liked the way you ended four verses with a different piece on money. The last verse I found harder to get the flow, but for a piece of work that was off the cuff, great!
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you
The ending was a bit rough and I have since wanted to change it but I typically wont do that because it captures the essence of how I felt at the time. I have always felt that poems are like a picture and I am sort of anti photoshop =D Thank you for reading it
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catchy title, and it fits perfectly. to me it seems as if the more you looked for true wealth, it was smothered by physical wealth. does that make sense? i know what you were trying to explain, but i can't explain it back. i REALLY liked how you ended each stanza with 'the never ending penny, quarter, etc."
. Rewarded 6
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Thank you
There is no hidden meaning here I think you understood it completely. I like writing desperate poems that seem dark and hopeless and then ending with a twist.
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