Under the bridge, alone with you
I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Under the bridge, where no one could see
I was glad to have you there with me.
Under the bridge, there in the sand
it was all part of my perfect plan.
Under the bridge, next to the fire
you helped to fulfill my true desire.
Under the bridge, I had to confess
we were doing the thing that I liked best.
Under the bridge, you said it was true
you had to admit you loved doing it too.
Under the bridge, our excitement did climb
what we were doing was so very fine.
Under the bridge, I like it a lot
once I get going I don't want to stop.
Under the bridge, it's never a hassle
as together we build a gigantic Sand Castle.
What were you thinking? [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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OMG, I thought it was something...else...
Weeeeeeeee. Okay...I need to recover from shock. 
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He he he
Why were you thinking that? Sorry I shocked your poor little senses. Well...kind of. -
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D: *eats your head* Yum.
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Clever twist
I sure thought you meant something else right up to the end.
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Thank you
Doesn't everyone like a little twist every now and then?
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Aww you got me!
Beautiful with a twist - I was thinking teenagers under the bridge and the excitement builds so naturally then ends with a smile - a work of art Brian! The rhyme and rhythm work so brilliantly to mislead the reader - I wouldn't change a thing - it makes me wanna build a sand castle - great work Brian
. Rewarded 6
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I just don't get tired of that.
Thank you so much. Don't you just love it when the excitement builds naturally? Oh, and isn't it supposed to end with a smile? I've always loved building a sand castle, whether it's under the bridge or out on the beach. There's nothing better than a sandy work of art!
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haha, I had to agree with bigcoolyo, but then I read the end and it was totally kid appropriate, so that was good!
Anyways, I liked it!
Hope.. Rewarded 4
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Thank you.
As I told BigC,I'm glad you enjoyed this innocent little poem. It's only inappropriate for those who are thinking that way. I have a couple of others that are misleading this way also. Don't worry the ones that are completely inappropriate for you to read have an adult rating which should keep you from reading them. Thanks again, and Tell BigC that I'm not always mean to the twelve year olds.
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I like it!!
First, i thought you and the person was doing something unappropriate. But it's good that at the last word you said what you were doing.
PHEW!!
Anyways, under the bridge i wanna build one too...
Why do you have to be sooo mean. I'll call the police that your mean to ALL 12 years olds...
HAHAH....
Anyways, another awesome work!
KEEP IT UP!!!! XD. Rewarded 6
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Thank you.
I'm glad you enjoyed this innocent little poem. It's only inappropriate for those who are thinking that way. I have a couple of others that are misleading this way also. Don't worry the ones that are completely inappropriate for you to read have an adult rating which should keep you from reading them. I still don't know why you think I'm so mean to the twelve year olds. I'm actually fairly nice to them. Is it because I keep saying the sight is being over run with Kids? I do like to tease you know...
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. Rewarded 4
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Well...
Maggie . has to be the shortest comment I've ever recieved. I guess that's better than nothing. At least I know you read it. Thanks I reckon. -
Thank you.
I'm glad it read well to you for the most part. I've re-read this several times and when I reading it I don't lose the flow in that spot so I don't know what I could do. I do appreciate you not only reading my poetry but also trying to help make it better. Thanks again.
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Awesome!
My mom was reading this over my shoulder, and she was like "Are you sure this is appropriate?" And I was like, "I'm sure he's gonna surprise us." And you did! Lovely rhyme, lovely poem!. Rewarded 4
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I'm glad you enjoyed it for what it was meant to be.
You can tell your mom that as long as you're logged in with your real age that my poems are safe. Although some of them may be suggestive the ones that you shouldn't read have an adult rating which keeps you from reading them and getting into trouble. Invite your mom to read with you sometime. She may be pleasantly surprised.
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hey Brian
As a fan of rhyme Im very impressed with this poem, the rhythm and form/flow of the poem were great. Very good job on the tough poem that is a "love" poem...but more often that not they're either completely cliche or have a couple in them. This one wasn't bad, didn't really have that many, there were a lot of common phrases that I've read before. But that still didn't take away from the overall enjoyment I had got out of the poem, so thank you very much for that. Some of them I think were done this way for the sake of rhyme, but I could be mistaken. Or what I think is more likely is that it could have come out this way and you didn't even realize you were being cliche, just expressing your emotions and feelings. From your work that I've read I know you can come up with some better adjectives, metaphors, etc. etc. but also DO NOT FORGET that this is your writing and you do not want to stray from it's origins. So I think you could just spice it up a bit and it would be a lot more powerful. I'll be looking forward to reading it ASAP. Hope to hear from ya soon.
S.L. Kraemer.
. Rewarded 8
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Any time I can impress you I'm impressed.
I'm glad that the simple wording didn't keep you from enjoying this one. I didn't want the dialogue to be complex as I wanted it to be able to seem as though it had been a child telling the story. I wouldn't know a cliche if every line in my poem were cliche...maybe I just hear those cliches too often to realize they are cliche. Thanks for the input.
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hey brian
I thought this was a good poem. A little repetitive, but not bad at all. I enjoyed the very nice rhythm and flow to the poem. Very nice since you of course decided on the rhyming technique, which you have been perfecting since you arrived. Indeed your growth has shown. Even taking old poems and revising or updating them is a great thing, I'm sure you've already realized that though, as you said you had already written alot of your material before you arrived. I had too, but most of that isn't on here. But this was good, I thought it was ambiguous. Either meaning something about drugs/sex. Then completely changing it around at the end and making it into an innocent sand castle, that is if you're thinking sex, If you're thinking drugs, a sand castle could mean many things to many different people. "A sand castle in the sky" and lyrics like that were heavily related to drugs when written and taken often by the artist(s). So that makes the poem not a trick. But that's just a different way of taking it and obviously not the way you intended, but it's a compliment that it could be interpreted as more, or it could bother you that you didn't get your message across clearly enough, but I'm only one person. Either way good write mate. Hope to hear from ya soon.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you,
I'm glad you liked it. As Dave Ochs once told me "Repition can be good sometimes as it helps an idea stick with the reader." or something like that. You're right that since coming here I have learned the value of revising based on advice you're given when it feels right for your poem. I'm glad you enjoyed the fact that it was ambiguous. I have to admit you've pointed out an interpratation I hadn't thought of. I think it is always the right of the reader to interpet a poem as they will when it is subject to interpratation in the first place. If a writer intends something in particular and it does not come across they shouldn't let it bother them but rather simply try harder to make the point more clear if that is or was their intent to begin with. Personally I like the idea of a reader being able to draw their own conclusion from certain types of poems. You may only be one person but you have a great opinion and some fantastic perceptions. As always your point of view is more than simply welcomed but rather treasured.
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good
The tone is apt and the poem is interesting. Excellent rhyming. The language is simple and sweet.Now for those with one track minds,a good laugh.This is sensual and yet so wonderfully innocent.Good poem
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks,
I appreciate the compliment. You've read this with the intent it was written. Completely innocent for those who make nothing more of it. A good laugh for those who...
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I LOVE THIS POEM. I will admit the dirt did cloud my judgment for a bit...As I whent back and read it again with clean eyes, I had to laugh at myself. This is great!
. Rewarded 4
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I love to hear that.
I'm glad you admitted that you had to rinse your eyes. Although maybe I should apologize for getting dirt in them in the first place? Little boys sometimes do that kind of thing on purpose. If I may be so bold I would like to suggest Torn By Desires and G' Morn'n Glory. I think you would like them both.
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Hahahaha, you know what I was thinking!
I like this, it's fun to read and so very amusing. I was laughing before I got to the end because I knew it had to have been a trick, but I didn't want to stop reading! Haha, this is very funny. Plus, poetically speaking, it flows and has a good rhythm.
Nicely done,
Ash
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Hee hee he,
I'll be honest. That was my intent. Yes, ofcourse you knew it had to be a trick. The ones that really go there are rated so that sweet innocent young ladys like yourself can not read them. Oh and thanks for the poetical plus.
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omg this is so beautiful, the rhyming and the flow you have going through this is awsome you really did an excellent job on this
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Thank you,
This is one of the few that I sat down with the intention of writing it. I wrote this one so I would have it to add a U title to my Poetry Garden. Now I have at least one for every letter except one. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you again for the compliment.
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OMG!!!!
I was thinking OH MY!!!! This was absolute perfection! It started off as a real brow raiser, and it finished off with a wonderful chuckle! The rhythm and rhyme is superb...don't you change a thing!
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Awesome!
That was the whole idea. I was trying to lure you into "it". Then...Gotchya! I changed one thing after posting it. A young lady from All Poetry read it but couldn't comment here because she doesn't have an account here. I had Sand Castle in bold print to emphasize it. She said it drew her attention and tipped her off to the ending. She suggested I change it to keep the suspense going as long as possible. Isn't that how it should go under the bridge? That is with you thinking OH MY til the very end then having a good heartfelt laugh? I think it is. Yes, it is. I actually wrote this to have another U title in my Poetry Garden. I have a title for every letter of the alphabet except one.
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