Sadness

We drank young wine out of an older hour as talk became joy waltzing like lavaflow. There was something right as the vast void within our heads became an eclipse of colours, a priceless masterstar but it soon went wrong as the wine tasted ashen and time became dumb as we bought the universe and nailed it to the floor and cussed and stabbed and shot.. It was there no more.

This is about excessive drinking ruining a relationship.Do you think it works?

Reviews

• 
  Enoq
  October 14
  
  Edit | Reply

  Intriguing

  Raw and savage like the human condition yet refined and well described like so many a great literatures. Quite a well soliloquized thought however vague it comes off to the reader it still hits universal notes. I liked it a lot.

  . Rewarded 4
• dave ochs
  October 14
  Edit | Reply

  hey rhetorica

  i wouldn't have undertood this, had it not been for the authors notes, therefore i think this can be really good if you can somehow work the notes into the framework of the poem. like you could alternate stanzas one on the friendship, the next on the universe, and so forth.
  dave
  

  . Rewarded 6