objects in space

Did addressing the reader make this more powerful?

Reviews

• 
  July 27, 2005
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  Insightful

  The last line tops this poem off well. It is good to put your thoughts out there, they make sense. I am not so selfish that I believe we are the only beings in the universe. I am sometimes taken aback to;

  “the wheel in the middle of the wheel, way up in the middle of the air”

  What was that? No one has been able to adequetly explain that to me since I was an inquisitive child.

  This provokes thought as good poetry should.
• 
  July 27, 2005
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  Liking this

  Seems that you use rain very well in this. It, to me, solidifies the objects in space by waking you from a ‘sunlight nap’. I like the way you address the reader. I feel like most of us can read this and understand that the exhaustion and tension are often the reasons we write. From these things, we find inspiration, if only in venting our tension, our frustration, and poetry is born.
• 
  August 5, 2005
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  I can see this in my literature book.

  Yes. directing poems like this one to the reader always makes them think harder so it creates more of an impact. The only problem I have with this is the beginning is a little bit confusing. Lines 1-4. Maybe I don’t get it or whatever the case this none the less is a great poem. But I do not see into the term “Dark” with this poem. It more inquisitive than brooding.
• 
  August 5, 2005
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  Very good

  I love the subject of space, and I am always amazed at the metaphors that can come from it.

  I thought that it was very creative to be awakened from a \sunlight nap\ by something that is thought of as dark and cold, but is really very colorful and ponderous. And I like how the last stanza brings that out even more.

  I had to read the last stanza a number of times before I realized why my tongue tripped on the last two lines. It just doesn’t flow well and I think it is the line break. The reader is not expecting there to be a pro-noun after the verb \floats\, and is therefore tempted to pause at the line break, which causes the last line to read rather clumsily.

  If you break the next to the last line after the word \you\ rather than floats, that would stop that problem. But then, you may be trying to emphasize the word/idea/image of floating, and that may be why you broke the line there.
• 
  August 5, 2005
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  I like this a lot!

  Hey, I think this is a really good write.

  A few comments I have to say on it though. Firstly, the first 2 lines seem totally disjointed, maybe get rid of the word ‘things’?

  line 3 “injecting dejection” wonderful use of words-I absolutely love it!

  I think addressing the reader does make this poem more powerful, and I love the ending of this poem!
• 
  JM Kenyon
  August 5, 2005
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  Good

  The beginning seems muddled to me. It seems to make more sense by reversing the first two statements:

  injecting dejection, their presence
  startles my sense of splendor
  as rain wakes me from a sunlight nap

  so many paths through things
  objects in space
• • 
    August 5, 2005
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    Darn, I wanted to applaud you, but there isn’t an applaud button here… yet
• NoUseForAName
  August 5, 2005
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  I don’t think addressing the reader makes this more powerful, for me, it seems thrown in and doesn’t really add anything. I think taking out “you” in line 14 might actually make it more impactual.

  I was also a little put off by the opening two lines. They are so vague- and while the poem itself is rather vague and open to interpretation (which is good), to open a poem that way leaves me feeling a little bewildered right off the bat as a reader, and I don’t think that’s what you were going for.
• 
  August 6, 2005
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  a little vague

  Your enjambments were well-chosen, and most of your words were musical. However, “objects in space” does not easily lend itself to be grasped by the reader, which muddles your clarity throughout the poem. Overall, in editing, I’d try to make fewer the abstractions, which will conversely make more poweful your stanzas.

  As far as addressing the reader, I don’t think it hinders your work, but I’m wondering if the last line is needed. I think the ending would be improved with some reorganization:

  “it’s the things we make
  where darkness floats
  that bring us to light”

  I think it’s more suspenseful and a little less explicit. Also, perhaps reconsider the verb “floats?” Paired with “darkness” it rings a tad cliche.

  Certainly a pliable poem to work with. Make more specific your language, maintain your musicality, and trim lines where necessary, and I think you’ll have a mighty fine piece.
• 
  LiveThroughThis
  August 6, 2005
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  Beautiful

  I love this, especially the phrase “injecting dejection”
  In answer to your question, yes, I do think addressing the reader makes the poem more powerful as I feel it brings more of a personal touch for every reader, making them feel almost a part of it, if that makes sense.
  I’m loving the new sharepoetry.com!!! great stuff!

  Llennettxoox
• 
  August 6, 2005
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  so many paths through things
  objects in space

  I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest reversing the line order like this:

  objects in space
  create many paths

  Otherwise, as-is, it just doesn’t seem to say (perhaps) what you want it to. You may want to tie-in the objects in space to line 13; it would unify the poem.

  Read a lot of meanings into this poem and all of them pleasant. I really wish I had come up with injecting dejection though; it’s steller!

  Oh. No, I don’t think addressing the reader as ‘you’ in the last line makes its message stronger. In line 4 you use ‘me’ and so we are talking about you here and expect not to be jarred into thinking about ourselves. As such, it doesn’t really work. You packed a lot into this poem- I walk away liking it
• 
  CookieZeal
  August 6, 2005
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  It was more personal than it was conducive to the reader or an addressed audience.

  I loved the subject;
  It was concrete even while illustrating an abstract element of being human. It’s a personal choice and I enjoy a \teaching\, you might say, because it is only through a lesson that something becomes a permanent value for all people. Universal subject, you might say.

  I’m not certain the beginning introduces the profound
  subject for which it is intended.

  1-\so many paths through things
  objects in space\ <—the idea that there are two plurals bothers my concentration; Emotion drops there.
  3”injecting dejection”,(nice language but it cluttered the following words—‘their presence’
  4startles my sense of splendor<—loved that
  5as rain wakes me from a sunlight nap< something that should appeal to all of us, but I would have said:‘like a Sunday nap awakened by rain’< Besides it directing toward the reader, we could ‘smell’ it off the tin roof, n’est-ce pas?
• 
  August 7, 2005
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  No rhythm, quite clunky....

  I think punctuation would really help the reader along for this piece. The first two lines are very ragged and do not make any sense as written, “things” and “objects” are too vague, couple this with quesionable grammar and it is just hard to follow or get a flow. Line 3 who’s presence? I understand you are being woken up from a nap, shouldn’t it be sunlit which is an adjective and not sunlight a noun? The flow is better in lines 3-5. Lines 6-10 once again fail to give the reader any solid clues. What does the grandness of vision have to do with your stress and why do I care if it is important? Not to mention you don’t even answer your question. You use the colon twice in this passage, why? Rework that punctuation. Lines 11-14 once again “things” is way too vague. I don’t understand why our creations determine if we’re in the light or not(or what we see or what is seen) the analogy of illuminating objects is dull. You are consistent in one area the final two lines are as ragged as the first two are. Better punctuation and improved grammar would greatly improve the readability and the rhythm. Between the empty metaphors, lack of direction and the clunkiness of the read I could not enjoy this piece at all.
• 
  August 7, 2005
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  good

  I liked the idea of the write, the wondering and questionning of whatit ALL is . The word OBJECTS for some reason did not quite do it for me , yet I have no substitute to offer .I do not believe that addressing the reader made it any more powerful , as towards the end you injected your own deduction and conclusion. That sort of narrows the mind of the reader a little bit and leaves them focused more on an answer already, rather then questionning it completely on their own . I generally do not like concrete answers in a write unless it is a scientific or mathematical one . I am however not sure how others feel about that , so this is strictly a personal opinion (but at the same time I am speaking as a reader)
• 
  August 7, 2005
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  So so . . .

  I think space has much more going for it than this – although I enjoyed your “object” but think it is more a test for your new wonderful website than a poem or statement – I prefer my picture of you in a crown – Albert.
• 
  ArouraLeona
  August 7, 2005
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  On first reading, actually, it looked more like the ‘You’ was ‘Creativity’, and not the reader. Of course then that would obligate the ‘is’ to be ‘are’ in line 14… so that doesn’t make much in the way of sense either.

  All in all it is too quiet and vague a poem to be powerful, not that it isn’t a GOOD poem, it’s just doesn’t kick me in the stomach and make me want to read it over and over again.

  . Rewarded 4
• haikumonk
  August 8, 2005
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  Interesting

  It’s written as though you are thinking out loud. 11-14 accomplish that effect. If that is what you were going for, that’s what I received.

  I think I’d reduce L1. Possibly eliminating “through things”... leave something for the reader instead of explain it all.

  so many paths
  objects in space

  injecting…etc.

  Gives a stronger opening… drawing the reader in slowly to the “details” of your observation/philosophical moment.

  I like this kind of writing. It’s pensive… but directional. Quite the pair.

  Don

  . Rewarded 4
• 
  August 8, 2005
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  awesome piece

  line 14 would make it better in the read if u say: your creativity is the key. but in addressing the reader query it seems more like a statement as well as an address. the piece does show much quality in its prose and imagery though. your word choices were outstanding. yes, they make it more powerful to read the reader.

  . Rewarded 4
• 
  August 8, 2005
  
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  I liked the start of line three, ‘interjecting dejection’ sounds good together. I didn’t find any parts of this that I specifically disliked but I felt it could have flowed better as a piece, it seemed to be using lots of ideas that worked well alone but not together.
  I liked the enjambement and alliteration used in this poem, but I felt it could have had even more structure. Powerful philosophy which I liked a lot, although it could have flowed better. Generally, a good read

  . Rewarded 1
• 
  August 9, 2005
  
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  Yes and No

  When free verse is used in “stream of conscience” writings, the reader’s view tend to become more subjective rather than focused. If the artist’s intent was for the metaphorical aspects to be viewed as abstract thought, then this was a highly successful piece.

  Conversely, if the intent was to raise awareness of the day to day interference that mundane happenings can bring on one’s level of happiness, then there is room for less abstraction and more straight-forwardness in such a write.

  The simple use of better line breaks and definative punctuation would accomplish the latter.

  My own experience lies mainly with more traditional, structured form poetry which tends to make me come down on the side of caution when critiqing such a write, but suffice it to say I think the final lines which involve the reader directly do a pretty fine job of bringing this together. I happen to agree…”creativity” is truely what matters.

  Kind regards,

  Del

  . Rewarded 1
• • 
    August 10, 2005
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    Great review Del. I find myself learning more about poetry just by reading reviews. I must be a nerd
  • • 
      August 10, 2005
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      Thanks. I appreciate the kind comments.

      Del
• Saki
  August 10, 2005
  
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  I like the philosopy of this one. I especially liked the 6th and 7th stanza. Beautiful.
  But I think punctuation would do the poem good. For example, is the second line a continuation of the first? I also thought the ending was abrupt.
  It was a good write, I thought the 3rd stanza was the best.

  . Rewarded 1
• • 
    Mephitic ID Synergy
    August 29, 2005
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    There are only four stanzas.
• 
  E A Collins
  August 10, 2005
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  Interesting

  It is certainly an invitation. I am not sure “powerful” is how it worked for me. I felt included, as in a metaphysical conversation. I would really have liked this to be longer.

  . Rewarded 1
• Snowflake
  August 21, 2005
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  Great

  To answer your question..I think it does. When I person reads a poem they connect more if it seems as if they play the part into it…The way you worded your poem did just that. You did an awesome job.

  . Rewarded 1
• 
  August 25, 2005
  
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  I am always in awe of the exceptional discipline of some poets I’ve so far read when it comes to writing in a frugal form. When imagery denser than the light of your LCD screen leaps into the brain straight from the words of a poem, well, I think that is something to admire, and rejoice in.

  I particularly savored the last line. It intrigued me; it seemed more like a riddle than the universal answer that the words appear to suggest, at face value.

  . Rewarded 1
• • 
    Kevin
    September 8, 2005
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    Thanks for your response, glad to hear you liked the last line!
• 
  Mephitic ID Synergy
  August 29, 2005
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  I like this poem simply because of line 6 and 7. To me, it’s like a touche at utilitarian thought. The grandness of vision is not in its importance. Of course not. It’s the beauty that it allows us to perceive!

  . Rewarded 1
• 
  September 15, 2005
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  Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my brain, what is this…. wait let me read it again. Okay(calms down)...
  hmmmm…. yes in a sense addressing the reader did make this piece a little more powerful not whopping.
  Fairly good on the symbolic outlook if you know what I mean. Hmmm… you should know your the poet lol… I liked this. Not saying this because your a mod…lol but it was good. Keep up the good work.

  . Rewarded 1