.
take the joy of a new mother
give it a shape and size
then immediately
take that child away
find the words to describe her eyes
take the last gasp
of the fallen insurgent
spat with venom
at the army of the tyrant
in a language you don't understand
make it not only heard
but felt
by every thinking man
take the unbearable pleasure
of a true lover
at the moment of consummation
use it to describe a sunrise
write it all
on shifting sands
alone on a desert island
then leap for joy
because you can
How can I improve this?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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You caught the feeling of the artist truly.
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Bonus
Thank you David. I hope so. I really did try. The artist does it for the joy of it. Everything else is a bonus. >W<
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Lovely words windhover. I'd probably not try to describe a sunrise at the moment of consummation...it might be kinda offputing...but poetically it works brilliantly.
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Thanks C
Hey C. Apologies for missing your comment here and thanks for the very kind words. I reckon you're being humorous about the sunrise thing, right? Thanks again for taking the time. >W<
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Mind boggling
I really liked the way your words tore into my mind and stamped the images there permanetly. Im still thinking about the woman who's child was taken away from her. I will say I think it ended to soon but only because I hate when a great thing has to end. Good job!
power to the pen,
Jas.
P.S check out some of my poems. Im looking for a little feedback on how I'm doing. Please and thank you.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 4.
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This was INTENSE. You had my jaw dropped the entire time I read this poem. I love all of the images you strike in to the reader. I love the idea of a poet creating something, derived from these vivid and immense images you constructed Windhover. This is one of my new favorite poems on this site.
The ending was perfect. I don't think there is anything else to be said. This was grand.
-Sky
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Perfectly said Windhover. I enjoyed how this poem unfolds. I also liked how it felt like the images are clay to a poet's hand---molding the images into words. Really great work here.
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John, nice work. Cheers, MJ
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Hi Richard, thanks for this. Best. >W<
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hey john
really compelling, sort of bores a hole right threw you. maybe i'm on a new kick here but it ended a little too soon, and think it could use a few more stanzas.
dave -
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Boring?
Hey Ochs, 'bores a hole right through you' is kind of a backhanded compliment dontcha think?. It reminds me of how I felt about my Latin teacher. But whether you like it or not I'm taking that and the fact that you appear to be asking for 'more' as a compliment and just to piss you off I'm thanking you for it! >W< -
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hey john
i already commented on this and it was just as good on the second reading but theres no points in this for me since i already commented to thats all your getting out of me.
dave
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