By my third week in India,
Having weathered the compulsory shit-storm
Of Delhi Belly, I had deluded myself
Into believing I sported guts of steel.
In Rajasthan however, my intestinal fortitude
Was sorely tested.
In Jaipur, fuelled additionally by potent
Chillum vapours and bhang sweets,
I dined on a putrid bowl of burnt chop-suey
At a Chinese restaurant with nary a sign
Nor semblance of a single Chinaman.
This in itself ought to have raised
My suspicions, yet on I ate...
Twas not before the morning after,
Whilst awaiting transport for an arduous 18
Hour bus ride south to Udaipur that I began
Gulping up essence of Satan’s bollock juice,
A brew most foul and a dread harbinger
Of things to come!
And then my voyage of self-discovery commenced...
Fortunate for me that Indian buses stop
Roughly each hour for a chai break, thereby
Offering a window of opportunity
For sweet (well, not so sweet) relief.
I believe I was delirious by the first pit stop.
These are the flashbacks I recall
In chronoillogical ordure:
First out the bus pushing past exiting Injuns
running hold on! don’t stain the white cottons
Stony ground bare arse thorns ouch!
aaaaahhhhh...
Excusemeexcusemeplease!! which directum?
dear god is that a WC yonder?! Bastard
Only bloody urinals fuck it shit on floor
ignore mortified pissers pissoiring and
Away! Phantom Defecator strikes again!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Sweat tears must.not.puke.on.bus.
I gotta fever! Oh yeah! open window
at last! rain?? smells weird almost like..
AARRGG fuckin goats on roof fuggers!!
Wipe must.not.puke. swallow…
Getoutthefuckingway!!! milling throng
town jostling wherewherewhere too
many people! Aha behind concrete wall
stalls? one two third one mine earthen floor
squat squirt huge sow grunts accosting me!
hit punch snout she retreats Thank Chri...
Piglets-three I wave and holler to no avail
run past slurping sounds behind me brush
of bristle muzzle noooooooooooooo!!!
Hazy shade of sphincter: rattle, bump over each rut
hours suppress gagging Sigourney Weaver giving
birth baby Alien letitout! forgodssakeletitout!
Friend attempts relief: "When-you-think-about-it-
all-India-ressembles-giant-turd-hanging-out-
Asia’s-arse" nothelping shutupshutupshutup
no speak just shove rough exit, mouth must keep shut!
town again fuuhuck alleyway kids playing run past squat
deposit pool of odious gloop outside someone’s backdoor -
hope no-one steps in...shit! no paper no rag handy rip cloth
white cottons smeared back to bus but... where’s the bus??
wheresthebus-wheresthebus-don`t panic-WHERESTHEBUS!
(panic)
Back on oblivion’s back-packer bus with my ticket to hell...
Asleeping? just bad dream? wake-up - nightmare real
picture image of girlfriend back in Norway (cleanorway)
fix on her image my Madonna my Goddess my guts
ARE CHURNING...pleassssestoooop...yes! Chai stop!!
Big town now so many people can’t see straight rising
bile - cun`t keep down fist in my asophagusting taste, Wyatt URP!
asophagurglegurgitate stagger to wall hands steadying, headown
heave-ho green discharge I swear never seen vomit like it cascade!
HHHRRRGGGHHHLLLLUUgaspUURRRRWAAHHHUUURRRFFFLL
It lands splashing onto mottled dirt-brown body of dozing
mutt who blinks open a lazy eye and proceeds to lick my
sick like it was manna-from-heaven I would scream but my
mouth is full so I stumble sideways along the wall packed
with more mangy mongrels Jeezus!-feeding-the-multitude,
showering foulness - tapeworms shrieking clamping guts in
vice squeezed. Letmedie! Letmedie! Letmedie! MEDIIIC!!
About two weeks later I came to my senses in paradisiacal Goa,
One non-anally-retentive anecdote richer. Lucky me.
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