She doesn’t like hospitals,
but she’s too sick to care.
Seeing her there
is frightening –
so frail , pale -
somehow smaller
Her grandson calls her-
Nana!
and a light somewhere inside
returns.
So does she .
She sits up in the bed
five inches
taller .
Author notes
I was going to call it 'The Light' . Amazing how our psychological well-being affects the physical.
In a list
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Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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This is the first Sharepoetry posting I have read and critiqued. I must say it has been an extremely pleasant first experience! Please bear with me - I am accustomed to critiquing on Allpoetry - I hope that is the same type of critiquing you are looking for here. What I like best about your poem is the simplicity. Simple words, simple formatting, simple message - incredibly powerful delivery. You address a societal problem as well as a personal situation. We sometimes ignore our elderly, relegating them to hospitals and nursing homes to the extent that they do become "smaller" somehow. In many cases, we are simply too busy - but in some cases, we simply don't make time. Grandchildren are an important part of their lives - visits from them DO make a difference. Your words "and a light somewhere inside" point this out to your readers - all quite subtle, and perhaps you only meant in this one situation - but the principle applies universally. In my opinion, personal poetry can apply universally if the writer is careful. I believe a universal message makes a poem more successful. It is my opinion, however, that the quotation marks around "Nana!" are not necessary. I do not find that in poetry we are required to follow all the "proper grammar" tools, most especially as regards quotation marks and the use of them is sometimes distracting. The rest of your poem makes it clear that the child is speaking. All in all, this is a lovely poem. I liked it very much, and I found it to be on a par with many published works I have read. Excellent job!
. Rewarded 4
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Welcome to Sharepoetry
Delighted you stumbled across this rather old entry of mine as your first 'comment' here. Its one of my favourites. Your comments on its 'universality' are interesting . I didn't 'try' to be universal with its meaning but I never do , believing the universality of the human condition itself takes care of such things automatically.It something 'touches' me I feel I can be fairly sure it will 'touch' many others in a similar way. All I have to do is express it well enough. So glad it 'connected' here. Thank you so much for your considered and detailed comment and also the lovely compliment you finished with. I took your point about the quotation marks and have edited them out in your honour.
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a direct hit
this is a very touching and well thought out piece. somehow you managed to confront a subject that, in general, is hard for some people to comprehend in less that a hundered words. it stays true in its meaning and lights up a moment that, in my opinion, many people have and/or will have during their lifetime. though it is a short poem, its provides a genuine stregth with its simple words. proving that sometimes, shorter, smaller, and lighter can be greatly better. i enjoyed your writing and the subject you decided to target.hope to hear more from you and bravo!. Rewarded 4
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erizona on 'Taller'
Wow , what can I say about such a glowing review ! Thanks might be a good start - so thanks a million. It seems you liked all the things about it that I do and hoped others might. It's one of the great pleasures of 'Sharepoetry' to get a comment like this and know you 'hit the target' so I'm going to score you 5 stars for it even though modesty should forbid ! I'll visit your site and return the favour a.s.a.p. . Thanks again
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good but u can improve.
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Thank you teacher...
...so can your critiquing skills.
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beautifully illuminated moment
I hope my granddaughter is so loving in a few more years when I will need similar love and understanding. You have very succinctly captured such a very private, personal, and loving moment between the young and the very old. I love lines 9, 10 and 11.. Rewarded 4
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Thanks E.
This is probably my most critiqued poem ever and I think it's because I DID capture a moment . I try to carry a notebook and scribble when I see something worth writing about . This was such an occasion. I am lucky that it happened , that I saw it , that I recognized it and that I am somehow able to record it and that you liked it . Thanks again ! W.
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Just quite a beautiful image. I lvoe poems like this, ones that just capture that brief ever so significant moment, it's great.
Only things I think i can quibble with really:
- Why is 'return' on a seperate line? It seems to serve no purpose isolated. Well other than that, if it's not on another line it highlights the unnatural sentence construction, lol.
- The characters in the poem: it took me a moment to realise there are two women (presumably the mother and grandmother), because you go from she to her, without suggesting that you're changing your subject. Rereading I think it's a general problem, you need to clarify who's talking, who's thinking what. You might be better off writing purely from the perspective of the gm.. Rewarded 4
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hi Iorek
Is that as in 'alas poor iorek '? ( showing my ignorance now ). No hidden people or meanings here . My son is the apple of his 'nana's eye . When he visited her in hospital the physical transformation in her was amazing.Simple as that. -
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Well, it's both that and Pullman's character Iorek, Shakespeare's is spelt differently.
I didn't mean there was a hidden meaning or person, simply that the persons in the poem are slight confused:
- She hates hospitals: This sounds like the third person poet introducing a character and describing what she thinks. The other option (and I think you mean this) is that it's a direct address by a character to a reader, but this is not obvious. Perhaps you need speech marks.
- "Seeing her there"; rather than being pure third person this now seems to be from the perspective from a specific other person. It's no longer omniscient, because a third person narrator cannot directly "see" anythintg, only an inidividual can. However, it could also be a continuation of the description of what this woman is thinking "She hates hospitals and seeing her [someone else] is frightening".
Does this make sense? It's just a very subtle stylistic thing, it's just not quite clear who is speaking and what refers to what. You can work it out if you think about it, but it's slightly confused. -
Hi
hehe
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short n sweet
like it this way...
the form is so nice...
and yes its always your will power....faith can nove mountains !!!
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks Amrita !
Glad you liked it .
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Love it, amazing
This is a short poem that says so much. It really does mean the world to someone who is that sick to have someone they love come visit them. The light it brings to the persons face is well illustrated. The one thing I would change is small but still big, I would make the end of the first line a comma instead of a period. For me it flows better that way. Anyway a truly lovely peiece.As always,
Little Crimson Jester
. Rewarded 4
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As you wish!
Happy to agree and adjust accordingly.Glad you liked it ! -
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Just glad to help
Wish there was more I could comtirbute but you poetry is already so good.
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A Powerful short poem
The "magic" of this poem is that it captures the beauty of what appears to be just a moment when the grandson call to 'Nana'. In such few words it is understood that the two are very close and that he is a light in her life. It captures the sadness of sickness and yet the beauty of love, and the description of the moment makes you smile. Superb job!. Rewarded 4
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Thanks Hahnah.
Glad you liked it and it interested me to hear that its brevity worked for you . I felt that less was more on this occasion too. Thanks again.
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beautiful
i'm not sure this only relates to the elderly though.. my little sister was in hospital a few years ago for surgery.. and i'm someone who hates hospitals more than she does... so i tried to stay away as far as possible.. got busy with school, my part time job.. anything to avoid goin to visit her. then my mum told me she'd been crying each tiem i'd hung up. Thats when i went to visit.. and there she was.. five inches taller. Thanks for reminding me... Rewarded 4
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Thank you for sharing !
This poem has attracted more comment than most I've posted . It's an emotional poem and I'm delighted that it has stirred an emotional response. That's success for a poem I'd say. I really do appreciate your comment and the sharing of a personal experience in return. If I only rewarded it 3 stars it's because as commment I can only glean so much information about WHY this worked for you .I'm just very glad it did !
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When I attended a private elementary school (haha, private but without money), we would visit nursing homes about once every month. I remember that most of my friends were afraid of the elderly people there, afraid of the smells and afraid of the wrinkles. I think that deep down they were afraid that they would one day grow old too and be put in a home and by not touching the elderly, they would retain their youth.
But there were some of us who knew, that our innocence was reflected in their own innocence... that everyone likes being touched and visited, that a smile can change a person's whole day. Your poem reminds me of times I had stored away, but should not have forgotten. So thanks, it was a great thing to have read.. Rewarded 4
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Rewarding...
..to think that such a little poem should get such a big response - thank you for sharing your memories and suggesting my poem inspired them. -
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I'm very glad to have read it.
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This is very good as is all your writes. It is a sweet and touching thought.
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Thanks Diva !
Glad you liked this one and thanks for the kind words .
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The title is perfect
The title fits the poem perfectly... I remember when I was carrying my first child my husbands nana became ill, they told us she had 6 weeks to live, I was 5 months pregnant.... She would be still in her bed until I got there, then she would put her hand on my stomach and smile, she never spoke though... Once my daughter was born I took her to see her, she held her hand and passed away.. The doctors were amazed at the length of time she lived and said that she had stayed alive to see her first great grandchild.. Like you say it is amazing how our psychological well-being affects the physical. Nicely written
Hugs Linda
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for sharing..
..a little more than the poetry Linda. I was at a poetry seminar for beginners tonight and the subject of ' how do you know it's poetry ' was discussed at length. One of the best suggestions I heard was that it if the words move YOU , they will move others too. It's very gratifying to hear that this struck such an emotional chord with you - because it's an emotional poem for me. Thanks again. W.
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Exactly
And lines 6 and 14, by rhyming, pull the two sides of existence together, completing by their contrast.
It is precisely this kind of magic that makes grandkids such a privilege!
I see two of mine every day, and we were joined by two others, the younger, 13 with his birthday on the same day as his grandfather who was celebrating his 80th. His old self again, during the Dinner, like he had shed fifteen years since yesterday. So proud to see them all 4 kids behaving so well! Even the 6-year-old!
Loneliness is a fatal disease.
Terry. Rewarded 4
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wonderful write
oh it's so true... nursing homes are so cold and uncaring. so dismal and distant. then kids come and for a moment the light goes back on, and memories return. beautiful write.. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for the comment
This one really wrote itself and for that reason I like it a lot myself . Not that it matters that much but this is just a hospital. This grandmother was really physically ill. No drug could have had the response that seeing her favourite grandchild did ! It was miraculous. Thanks again. W.
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