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Squeezy

I write regularly and workshop my poems with a 'real world' poetry group and at Allpoetry. I'm looking for in-depth comments on some of my AP poems here, particularly ones that I am currently workshopping with a view to publication.

I teach literature as my 'day job' - I have also worked in the theatre, so my work refers to that subject-wise.

I am based in the UK, so use British English, and modern London slang, specifically.

  • Last seen on Jan 22 7:51 AM. Member since November 12, 2007.
  • I am a 30 year old person (Great Britain)
  • When I'm not writing, I'm A literature teacher.
  • I have 2 comments, 1 archived poem

My other items

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    Calm floats down, particulate; Swathing and muffling our voices,

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  • on A Foodie Love Song: The Second Course by celestialpie, on November 12, 2007
    I enjoyed the 'list' motif (reminiscant of a recipe) and the return, periodically, to the mother-theme. The concrete elements of the poem (places and objects) were well tied in with concepts; my one criticism would be that the transition from the 'place' of the Moorish castle to a thai kitchen seemed abrupt. Personally, I was still picturing the long-cooked, warm, fragrant Moorish imagery, and was suddenly thrown into fast, hot Thai style. If this wasn't intentional I would consider adjusting it, however as Thai is often a fast, spicy choice it may have been deliberate!

    I really thoroughly enjoyable read; it was lovely to see the different ways in which cooking affects our lives and evokes the anthrapologies of out societies. This is a subject sometimes assumed to 'simple', but it isn't. Painters seem to approach it more readily than poets which is a shame because (as you've done here) it provides so much material and so many connections that a detailed narrative bursts forth and gives birth to other narratives as it flows.

  • on [ I stand inert ] by Nienna Colle, on November 12, 2007
    The imagery works very well, I wouldn't go into any further depth on that. Lines like 'smokey October light' have a nice way of combining both visual and other sensory elements.

    The stanza starting '{Memories dredge to the surface}' felt a little looser than the others; I'm not even sure that the first line is needed, as it was very clear to me, as a reader, that it was the case that memories were rising. Considering that the poem works so well to evoke October without being explicit, I'm not sure whether that line adds anything. There are a few points ('the watcher was I') that seem slightly over-clarified and formally poetic (do we need 'was I' instead of 'I was'? What does it add?) compared to the wonderfully smooth and understated form of the rest of the work.

    This understated form gets right back on track in that final stanza- issues like global warming suggested but not in an overt way. To me, this enables my imagination to run on, rather than 'hitting' an overt, spelled-out target and staying. It gives the poem a lovely open-ended feel to it- gentle in tone, slightly concerning, similar in so many ways to the subject matter.

    To be honest I don't think this poem needs very much more work, but if I were to suggest a section for minor edits, it would be the middle stanza.