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The original thin

  • Last seen on Jul 27 12:26 AM 2008. Member since December 18, 2007.
  • I am a 20 year old person (United States)
  • I have 24 comments, 6 archived poems

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  • Papyrus : bread and water on February 19, 2008
    Grant,

    i'm fasting from Facebook and SP until the end of the month.

    better late than never.

    i miss chillin with you. you have my number. but i'll probably end up calling you. haha.

    peace, bro, and much love,

    Jordon

    p.s. - please pray for my integrity in keeping to the fast, thanx!

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  • on You Stand Alone by iphios, on December 29, 2007
    sometimes form just happens and sometimes its just not meant to be. i like to rhyme but if its bogging me down too much, i usually rethink and maybe even ditch it. thats interesting, i think i tend to structure things on the fly. if i notice an unintentional trend, then i may choose to continue it but often i will just work with what falls in my lap as i put words on the page.
    -theo

  • on Party of Escape by himanshumodi, on December 29, 2007
    some great word choices in this one, and yes as you warned me, a very strict rhyme scheme. i noticed in your response to papyrus you say something to the effect of "since youre ok with instant/listen". that was the one rhyme i had the most trouble with. it seemed out of place but ironically those two lines are my favorite in the poem, they say so much about the emptiness of the situation. it was kind of a depressing read (though satisfying as far as the rhyming and form go). i still dont get why the down times inspire the best art. i guess the emotions are just more powerful in those times, more vivid.
    "in the party each punk" seems like its missing a beat, when i think about it i dont know what to put in but it seems like there needs to be another sound, something to give you that little half beat extra.
    unlike papyrus, i like the ending (that to me doesnt rhyme), but i like when an ending breaks the rules; it almost serves to make it feel more depressed. like you are trailing off in the middle of a thought, too distraught to finish, or, in this case, adhere to the rhyme scheme. regardless of all this mumbo jumbo, this one is successful.
    -the